THE IRON FIST OF SHELL KNOB

Karen Loomis lives in the small southwest Missouri city -- and by God, if you don't like her version of America, then you should get the hell out.

Loomis uncorks a letter to the editor in Tuesday's News-Leader that's full of heel clicking masquerading as patriotism. Check this out:

As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. We speak English, not Spanish, Portuguese, Russian or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become a part of our society, learn the language.

"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right-wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is our country, our land and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so! If you don't like it, I highly encourage you to take advantage of one other great American freedom. The right to leave!

To recap:

•English only.
•Christian God only.
•Our flag rocks.
•Our culture rules.
•If you don't like it, you can lick it.

Christmas is months away, but Karen Loomis is already shaking her jingo bells.

MORE PORN THAN EVER IN OKLAHOMA

The wind is sweepin' down the plain from our neighboring state, but instead of carrying the scent of wavin' wheat, the gusts are pungent with sweat from people who sell video games for a living. Oklahoma's governor, Brad Henry, has signed into law a piece of legislation that includes video games as pornography "harmful to minors."

Gamasutra has this:

The bill was authored by Republican State Representative Fred Morgan, and takes a similar stance to Utah Republican David Hogue’s HB257 "games as porn" bill, which was struck down in March, but would have made it a felony to knowingly exhibit or sell violent video games to minors.

The new Oklahoma law is due to come into effect from November 1, but is in the meantime likely to be contested by industry body the ESA, under First Amendment concerns. Despite being one of the more draconian anti-games bills put before a State senate HB30004 has faced limited opposition, with apparently little concern being given to the consistent problems other similar bills have faced from legal challenges.

The new law will make it a felony for anyone in Oklahoma to sell, rent or display games which contain inappropriate violence, with stores required to keep such games hidden in a similar manner to pornographic magazines and videos. The bill ignores the ESRB age rating for games, and instead makes its own definition of inappropriate violence.

This definition considers inappropriate any game which "lacks serious literary, scientific, medical, artistic or political value" and which features glamorized or gratuitous violence; uses that violence to shock or stimulate; features violence that is not contextually relevant to the material; has violence so pervasive that it serves as the thread holding the plot of the material together; trivializes the serious nature of realistic violence; does not demonstrate the consequences or effects of realistic violence; uses brutal weapons designed to inflict the maximum amount of pain and damage; endorses or glorifies torture or excessive weaponry, or depicts lead characters who resort to violence freely.

We know a piece of excrement when we see it. This bill's a floater.

BICYCLE! BICYCLE! BICYCLE!

This one's for you, John Stone.

Naked people rode bikes on June 10 for the World Naked Bike Ride, a political event. Protestors shucked their duds, climbed aboard bikes and showed off their shortcomings.

The view from San Francisco looked like this. Not safe for work, to say the least, and in some cases, not safe if you're eating a meal. Given the chilly climate, shrinkage was a problem.

We don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman.

AUDIT FINDS SMELLY SMOKE AT FEE OFFICES

Missouri Auditor Claire McCaskill on Monday issued a report on fee-agent offices -- the place where you go to get your vehicle license. Gov. Matt Blunt took away 11 such offices in Missouri from the Department of Revenue and awarded them to friends and campaign contributors.

Blunt swears there's nothing illegal going on, but there's an ongoing FBI investigation.

McCaskill's audit found no smoking gun, only the stench of smoke. Equipment was auctioned off at ridiculously low prices; the Springfield office's equipment was sold for $3,100 (The Blunt-run Department of Revenue calls the equipment "essentially worthless" and claims it made a profit).

About 250 pieces of state-owned equipment are missing. Bad business practices abound; several offices were opened by private contractors who didn't have signed contracts with the state.

The Springfield offices -- the sole office on Park Central Square has been split into three locations -- are big money makers. McCaskill's report says the Springfield offices brought in fees of $975,000 in fiscal year 2004. Being tight with Matt and Roy Blunt has its privileges.

Read the summary here, or read the complete audit (.pdf) by clicking here.

DAN ABRAMS TO LEAD MSNBC

The former host of a show on MSNBC is elevated to the general manager's post at the cable network. Media Bistro reports:

"With his nine years of experience at MSNBC, Dan will bring an insider's perspective to the job. Dan is passionate about MSNBC and has the experience and strategic vision to lead it into its second decade," Steve Capus says.

In the press release, Abrams is quoted: "Nothing is more important to me than the future success of MSNBC. I'm looking forward to leading MSNBC into this next phase, building on our recent success. I can't wait to get started."

He won't have to wait long: the appointment is effective immediately. Abrams will no longer anchor "The Abrams Report," but he will "remain NBC News Chief Legal Correspondent, providing legal analysis and commentary for 'Today' and other NBC News and MSNBC programs."

Abrams and his toupee (a friend used to work with him at Court TV and swears it's a rug) have a huge challenge. How best to lift the cable network out of third place in its war with Fox and CNN?

BLINKS MAKE US NOD

Clear Channel, the media behemoth, is reportedly nosing around the idea of selling one-second commercials. The corporation calls them "blinks." We can think of other names to call them.

Ad Age reports:

Blinks could be used in a number of ways. Clear Channel's Creative Services Group crafted a demonstration spot using the McDonald's jingle, minus the "I'm lovin' it" language, and placed it between one hip-hop song and another. The group also created a Blink for BMW's Mini Cooper with a horn honking and man's voice saying "Mini," and placed it before miniaturized news reports. (Neither marketer has a deal with Clear Channel for Blinks.) Other audio mnemonics that could use Blinks are the Intel chime and the NBC bells.

Jim Gaither, director-broadcast at Richards Group, has been in conversation with Clear Channel about three-second spots. "It's not building a brand; it's refreshing a brand," he said, adding: "You can't use a one-second campaign for something that generally has not been advertised before."

You also need frequency, because if you just hear a sound and nothing else, the message is going to have to be driven into the consumer, Mr. Gaither said. It's also best suited to a marketer's core customer, because those are the people for whom the Blink will have the most impact, he said. Mr. Gaither said he doesn't think he has a marketer at the moment that perfectly fits the bill.

But would marketers want to be so brief? Andrew Goldstein, instructor of a broadcast-media-writing course at the Miami Ad School and a copywriter at Zimmerman Advertising, isn't convinced national advertisers would want a sound effect thrown into the programming. "You're not going to know it's connected to the brand, and it's going to lose its value," he said.

Expected ad rate for Blinks? A "200% to 300% increase on what one-thirtieth of a 30-second spot" costs.

STEELERS QB IN MOTORCYCLE WRECK

Ben Roethlisberger was injured Monday morning. CBS Sports reports:

The Pittsburgh Steelers confirmed to WTAE-TV in Pittsburgh that Roethlisberger was involved in the accident, which happened around 11:30 a.m. ET.

KDKA-TV and WTAE-TV were reporting that Roethlisberger was not wearing a helmet at the time of the accident and flew over the handlebars, hit his head on the windshield of another car before falling to the ground. One witness said he was groggy, said his name was Ben and was bleeding from the head.

Roethlisberger was taken to Mercy Hospital, according to the reports, and there was no word on the extent of his injuries. Pittsburgh police have closed the streets surrounding the scene of the accident.

Hospital workers sometimes call helmetless motorcyclists by a different name -- organ donors.

REMEMBERING CHRIS SIFFORD

The blog, Act Your Old Age, has been updated.

SPIKE IN VIOLENT CRIME

In the 1990s, Bill Clinton pushed for, and got, new programs to fight crime. The result? Dramatic drops in violent crime.

That was then. Now, according to the Associated Press:

Murders, robberies and aggravated assaults in the United States increased last year, spurring an overall rise in violent crime for the first time since 2001, according to FBI data.

Murders rose 4.8 percent, meaning there were more than 16,900 victims in 2005. That would be the most since 1998 and the largest percentage increase in 15 years.

Criminal justice experts said the statistics reflect the nation's complacency in fighting crime, a product of dramatic declines in the 1990s and the abandonment of effective programs that emphasized prevention, putting more police officers on the street and controlling the spread of guns.

"We see that budgets for policing are being slashed and the federal government has gotten out of that business," said James Alan Fox, a criminal justice professor at Northeastern University in Boston. "Funding for prevention at the federal level and many localities are down and the (National Rifle Association) has renewed strength."

There were two homicides in Springfield over the weekend.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU SPEAK

John Stone -- he of the Curbstone Critic -- passed along some audio from a certain radio yakker. Seems the radio host thinks CHATTER and its readers -- that would be you -- are "the biggest bunch of idiots you're ever gonna find."

The transcript:

There are so many internet forums frequented by absolute brain-dead idiots who will make all sorts of anonymous posts. It devolves into really guttural sniping and name-calling. There's no worthwhile debate or discussion ...

There's a few around town that are just brain-dead drivel. I mean, Ron whatever his name is, biggest bunch of idiots you're ever gonna find. And Missouri Radio has one, buncha brain-dead morons.

We're a little confused. We know that the quidnunc reads CHATTER. We know he reads the Missouri Radio forums. So is he calling himself an idiot and a brain-dead moron? Sounds like a steaming pile of Schattenkirk to us.

WITHOUT A TAX INCREASE

The GOP's favorite line does not contain the complete truth. Yes, there has been no tax increase. No, that doesn't mean you're not getting dimed to death elsewhere. The Associated Press reports on an especially odious practice:

Wedding parties and other groups hoping to commemorate their special event with a photograph at the Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument or other popular landmarks on National Park Service land now have to pay for a permit.

Under a new policy that began May 15, the Park Service is requiring a payment of $50 to $250 from groups that hire commercial photographers to snap pictures at some of the 390 monuments, parks and historic sites it oversees. The cost depends on the size of the group.

The fees are being charged at some of the busiest Park Service sites in the Washington, D.C., area and at the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Other heavily used sites include the Statue of Liberty, Alaska's Denali National Park and Preserve, Big Bend National Park in Texas, and Yellowstone National Park.

The Washington Monument only looks like a phallus, but now you can really get screwed there.

ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI

The U.S. is pretty sure -- this time -- that Zarqawi is dead. The Jordanian-born Zarqawi was northeast of Baghdad when an airstrike sent him to his fates.

Who gets the point in our continuing game of guess the death? Doc Larry, awake in the 5 a.m. hour, catches the squeal.

The Associated Press says Zarqawi's relatives think he's become a martyr. The Bush Administration figures the death is good for an uptick in the polls. They're right.

On a not-entirely-unrelated note, in a couple weeks, "Syriana" is released on DVD. We'll be watching for the Mussawi character, an old spook named Jimmy, now working for the competition:

Bob, what do you know about the torture methods used by the Chinese on the Falun Gong? Huh? Method number one. What's your guess? Water dungeon. Did you guess water dungeon? Impractical here. Number two method? Number two: twisting arm and putting face in feces. Not interested in two? Number three. Number three is called 'pulling nails from fingers.' What do you think Bob? Number three sound good to you?

Number three sounds just fine.

MOM OF THE YEAR

Elaine Baker, 38, lives in Spencer, Iowa. Her devotion to keeping it all in the family is ... well, you decide. She reportedly asked her son to sell some pot to bail her out of jail. On drug charges. From KICD-AM, this story:

Elaine Baker was already charged with possession of methamphetamine, possesion of drug paraphernalia and child endangerment. Now, she faces a count of possession with intent to deliver marijuana.

Officers say Baker called her son from the Clay County jail and asked him to get the pot out of the refrigerator, sell it and then post bond. Apparently, she didn't realize the telephone call was being monitored by the cops.

Authorities got a search warrant and found a small amount of marijuana in her home Monday afternoon. Baker's son, 18-year old Austin Tasich, was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance.

The kid's out of jail. Mom is still behind bars.

GAY MARRIAGE BAN GOES DOWN IN FLAMES

The U.S. Senate on Wednesday rejected a proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, according to The Associated Press:

Supporters failed to get the 60 votes required for the measure to survive a test vote. Had it survived, a two-thirds majority in both houses of Congress would have been required to send an amendment to the states. It then would have had to be ratified by at least 38 state legislatures.

But they took solace in the fact that the idea received several new votes from Republican freshmen elected after the amendment received its last vote in 2004.

The House plans to vote on the issue next month. John Boehner, the majority leader that Roy Blunt wanted to be, told AP:

"This is an issue that is of significant importance to many Americans. We have significant numbers of our members who want a vote on this, so we are going to have a vote."

Those who vote against messing with the Constitution will be labeled as deviants. They will be targeted in the November elections as "against family values," or "on the side of activist judges." They will be the only brave ones in this battle.

COAL PLANT PASSES

Voter turnout was low -- 18.4 percent -- and by a comfortable margin, the City Utilities proposal to build a coal-fired energy plant passes, 59.38 percent to 40.62 percent.

There were 97,563 registered voters eligible to cast ballots in this election. Fewer than 18,000 chose to do so, and 10,658 decided the future of their city's energy policy. We happened to be in favor of the plan, but the indifference to the issue is disturbing.

CU boss John Twitty holds a news conference at 9:30 a.m. Wednesday at the Southwest Power Station. His tone, we're sure, will be grateful. And humble.

HYUNDAI SONATA: GOOD TO 147 MPH

A feat of foolishness, reported by the East Valley Tribune:

Some records are meant to be broken, but Scottsdale police aren’t happy with one that has been shattered by someone they described as "a very dangerous driver."

The new speed record clocked last month by photo enforcement cameras along Loop 101 in Scottsdale — at 147 mph — is 16 mph more than the one set by an unknown motorcyclist on Feb. 14.

Lawrence Pargo, 26, of Goodyear was arrested by Scottsdale police at his home May 26 on suspicion of four counts of excessive speeding, reckless driving and endangerment, Scottsdale police Lt. Frank O’Halloran said.

Pargo was clocked and photographed in a silver Hyundai Sonata traveling at speeds ranging from 102 mph to 147 mph on four occasions between 5:47 and 6:20 a.m. May 21.

"He endangered the lives of others as well as himself," O’Halloran said. "The car was beyond its capabilities, and he was beyond his capabilities of controlling it. The tires aren’t rated for 147 mph. They’re stock tires on a rental car. The car probably was shaking."

The Hyundai that Pargo was driving was either leased or rented. It is owned by P.V. Holding in Virginia Beach, Va., O’Halloran said.

Pargo couldn’t be reached for comment.

Stock tires on a rental car. There's a song title for you.

BILLY PRESTON, 59

Richard, brother of the chief typist here, gets the point for catching the squeal. The Fifth Beatle is dead. According to Fox, Preston died of "malignant hypertension":

As a result of a medical insult, he'd been in a deep coma since last November 21, but was still struggling to recover. He died at Shea Scottsdale Hospital in Scottsdale, Ariz., where he'd lived for the last couple of years.

Billy was called the Fifth Beatle because he played keyboards on "Let It Be," "The White Album" and "Abbey Road." He also played on the Rolling Stones' hit song "Miss You," and often played with Eric Clapton. He also did the organ work on Sly & the Family Stone's greatest hits.

Preston's own hits include "Nothing From Nothing," "Will It Go Round in Circles" and "You Are So Beautiful," which Joe Cocker turned into an international hit.

Damn.

CHAMPION'S DARK PAST

Ozarks Angel has posted the hilarious back story of Norma Champion, the 73-year-old politician who used to cavort with puppets.

"Aunt Norma's Dark Past" can be found by clicking here. Don't forget to read the comments. And don't forget to donate to Doug Harpool's campaign.

GET YOUR KICKS ON 666

A dozen B-2 bombers took flight this morning in Missouri, and people who saw them went a little ape.

June 6: D-Day for war buffs. Ed Sullivan shuffled off the TV set in 1971. Proposition 13 passed in California, in 1978. And the YMCA was founded in London in 1844.

All these bits o' history, young man, but the focus is on 6-6-6 and an alleged devil. And a remake of "The Omen," which will have a hard time beating the original. Just saying.

City Utilities gets an answer from Springfield voters; the coal-plant election is on 6-6-6. Morning rain will dampen turnout, but there's supposed to be afternoon sun, followed by evening gloom when the initiative fails and CU officials admit a voter mandate.

We'll leave you with this bit o' nonsense from Sydney, Australia, where government officials want to keep cemeteries 660 feet away from bars. According to The Associated Press:

Paul Pisasale, the mayor of Queensland state town of Ipswich, is part of a movement being led by the Urban Local Government Association to prevent brothels from being built near cemeteries. Prostitution is legal in Australia in limited circumstances.

"There's a lot of families and services that are going on and the last thing you want is someone conducting a spiritual service and a cemetery reflection time for family and a brothel going on next door," he told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio on Tuesday.

"It's totally inappropriate. There's a place for brothels and a place for cemeteries and we don't believe the two mix."

The phrase "stopping off for a cold one" comes to mind. The devil made us think that way.

MATT BLUNT GOES ON RADIO OFFENSIVE

Missouri's governor on Monday announced, via his media consultant, the purchase of radio spots across the state. The ads, 60 seconds in length, are meant to "highlight the Governor's record of strong accomplishment for education, job growth, fiscal responsibility, and no job-killing new taxes," says John Thompson.

The slicks ads -- Thompson is famous in political circles for his work on Republican campaigns -- talk up the governor's creds. A news release attacked the media for Blunt's low approval ratings:

"Governor Blunt has a great story to tell, and he is not going to let a media filter and a biased press corps keep Missourians from hearing about the positive things that are happening in this state. From education, to jobs, to the effective operation of state government, our Governor is taking his track record straight to Missourians because at the end of the day, that's all that matters to him."

At the end of the day, we wish people would quit using that hack phrase. Especially in tandem with the same tired attacks on the media. We don't know one reporter who made cuts to the Medicaid program.

HIGH-FLYING BLUNT

Rep. Roy Blunt knows how to travel, especially when it's on someone else's dime. The Center for Public Integrity on Monday issued a report on "Power Trips" taken by members of Congress.

In the period from January 2000 through June 2005, Blunt took more than $350,000 in travel from special interest groups. The Top 11 House travelers, according to the report:

Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas)
Rep. Roy Blunt (R-Mo.)
Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio)
Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas)
Rep. J. Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.)
Rep. Gregory Meeks (D-N.Y.)
Rep. Michael Oxley (R-Ohio)
Rep. W.J. Tauzin (R-La.)*
Rep. William Thomas (R-Calif.)
Rep. Robert Wexler (D-Fla.)
Rep. Don Young (R-Alaska)

Read more about the report on congressional travel by clicking here.

MIGHTY WHITEY

Granny Geek was the first person we know who spied Sunday's News-Leader and realized that four white men were asked to deliver the final opinions on this week's coal-plant election. Holy lack of melanin, Batman!

This is right up there with the Springfield Business Journal list of 40 bright lights, all under the age of 40, all white.

Or Go Magazine's list of 20 Young Turks under the age of 30. White? You betcha.

COULTER JUMPS THE SHARK

The conservative typist, infamous for her embrace of censured bully Joe McCarthy, is back with a new screed, Godless. Appropriately, it will be published on June 6, 2006.

The collection of pages claims evolution is a "liberal creation myth." According to a book blurb:

[Coulter] exposes the essential truth about Darwinian evolution that liberals refuse to confront: it is bogus science. Writing with a keen appreciation for genuine science, Coulter reveals that the so-called "gaps" in the theory of evolution are all there is -- Darwinism is nothing but a gap. ...

Liberals' absolute devotion to Darwinism, Coulter shows, has nothing to do with evolution's scientific validity and everything to do with its refusal to admit the possibility of God as a guiding force. They will brook no challenges to the official religion.

To our smart conservative friends who choose science over the supernatural -- we're sorry that Ann Coulter's common sense has left the precinct.

BOONVILLE AVENUE TO CLOSE

Downtowners, be warned. The city on Friday announced the "closure of Boonville Avenue, from south of Tampa to Phelps streets," starting at 7 a.m. Monday, June 5.

Reason?

[F]or use of right-of-way for construction activities at the Jordan Valley Innovation Center, weather permitting.

The stretch of Boonville will be closed through July 14.

UCLA'S PALE FRESHMEN

The Los Angeles Times reports on a trend that has sparked a crisis:

This fall 4,852 freshmen are expected to enroll at UCLA, but only 96, or 2%, are African American -- the lowest figure in decades and a growing concern at the Westwood campus.

For several years, students, professors and administrators at UCLA have watched with discouragement as the numbers of black students declined. But the new figures, released this week, have shocked many on campus and prompted school leaders to declare the situation a crisis.

UCLA -- which boasts such storied black alumni as Jackie Robinson, Tom Bradley and Ralph Bunche, and is in a county that is 9.8% African American -- now has a lower percentage of black freshmen than either crosstown rival USC or UC Berkeley, the school often considered its top competitor within the UC system.

The 96 figure -- down by 20 students from last year -- is the lowest for incoming African American freshmen since at least 1973.

Why is it happening? The LAT piece offers several suggestions:

In California, the problem is rooted partly in the restrictions placed on the state's public colleges and institutions by Proposition 209, the 1996 voter initiative that banned consideration of race and gender in admissions and hiring.

Other factors include the socioeconomic inequities that undermine elementary and high school education in California and elsewhere, with minority students disproportionately affected because they often attend schools with fewer resources, including less-qualified teachers and fewer counselors.

Many students and professors also say the declining presence of blacks on campus discourages some prospective students from attending, thus exacerbating the problem.

Buried in a sidebar box are some other numbers that are worth considering. In 1985 -- the year of peak enrollment for blacks (9.6 percent) at UCLA -- whites made up 49.7% of freshmen, while Asians and Filipinos represented 22.2% of the class. In 2005, blacks were down to 2.9 percent. Whites made up only one-third of the freshman class. Asian and Filipino representation was up to 41 percent.