FCC CHAIR: TOO MUCH SMUT ON TV

Kevin Martin, chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, told Congress on Tuesday that cable and satellite providers must work harder to Protect the Children from Evil. Of course he instead used the language of the bureaucrat, muttering about the need for more "family-friendly" channels like Nickelodeon. Apparently Spongebob is no longer gay and thus not a threat to America's children.

Martin said programs with sex and profanity -- you know, the good shows -- are meant for adults, and the parents among them need help to keep the kiddies away from the smut. "Parents need better and more tools to help them navigate the entertainment waters," Martin said, "particularly on cable and satellite TV."

If that doesn't happen, Martin warned, the government might come on with the smackdown. From The Associated Press:

If providers don't find a way to police smut on television, Martin said, federal decency standards should be considered.

"You can always turn the television off and of course block the channels you don't want," he said, "but why should you have to?"

Umm, maybe because you're an adult and a responsible consumer and if you gave a rat's ass as a parent you would make time to block the channels that you, the parent, don't want your child to watch.

Or maybe that's asking too much. Some lawmakers, after all, said the TV ratings system was "too confusing."

The usual accomplices in a congressional sex hearing -- the social conservatives -- came out in force. The Christian Coalition asked Congress to stiffen the penalty for indecency on the airwaves: from a relatively limp $32,500 to a towering erection of $500,000 per violation. Man, that would hurt.

Democrats disappointed with their piling on. Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii), co-chair of the panel, told the entertainment industry that it must protect children: "If you don't come up with an answer, we will."

Of course you will, Mr. Inouye. You and Hillary and Joe Lieberman will join hands to stop the smut, and maybe you can resurrect Tipper Gore and her Jihad Against The Jams for some cheerleading. Team up with your political enemies on the right and do it all in the name of the Children. While you're at it, maybe you could denounce crime and say you're against killing kittens.