A NOVEL DEFENSE

Cops in New Jersey say they caught Joseph "Donald" Scordato masturbating in his car. Setting aside the ick factor -- Scordato is 81 -- we're fascinated by the man's defense.

Scordato says he can't be guilty of public masturbation because he doesn't have a penis.

The Herald News explains:

Brought into the courtroom in a wheelchair, Scordato fell asleep while he waited for his case to be called. He said he wasn't able to hire a lawyer because he was in the hospital.

State Superior Court Judge William Meehan instructed him to get a lawyer before his next hearing on April 24 ...

Authorities say Scordato parked his car across the street from a movie theater on Cottage Place on Sept. 16, unzipped his pants and began masturbating in the middle of the afternoon.

A beautician working in a nearby salon saw him as she walked past the car and called police, Assistant Bergen County Prosecutor Dave Calviello said.

Scordato had pulled away when police arrived but was stopped shortly afterward, Calviello said.

When confronted by detectives, Scordato denied that he was masturbating in plain view, according to a Sept. 16 police report.

"I have dry skin, and I have to itch it a lot," he was quoted as saying in the report.

Cops say Scordato apparently has a penis, 'cause in 1997 -- when he was a relatively spry 72 -- Scordato was convicted of fourth-degree lewdness for pulling the same stunt in public.