Wednesday, January 23, 2008

OH, THE HUMANITY

Gore everywhere, and not the Al kind. The political landscape of January 2008 is saturated with blood and brains. Tiny bits of skull stud the mess like pieces of broken tile, the sort of bad art deco done by people who watch too much HGTV.

Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt held a news conference on Wednesday and actually laughed and smiled. The first time it happened the heads of a few reporters and opinion writers immediately exploded (the shooters survived intact because they have seen and heard everything; nothing a politician says or does can surprise a photog). A mult box was liberally splashed with blood, and from that point forward everyone's recording was marred by a low hum.

No one among the sane bought Blunt's excuses for not seeking a second term. This was largely because Blunt never lived up to his surname. Had he said something like -- Polls showed I was losing to a guy named Nixon, and Christ, if that isn't bad, I don't know what is. I'm packing it in, boys and girls, getting out while the getting's good. See you suckers in Hell. -- well, heads still would have exploded, but at least there would be a reason for the sanguinary scene. We would get the last W in our filthy mitts to go with the Who, What, When and Where. We would know truth. We would know the Why.

For now we know nothing that's real. There is only a suspicion that Matt Blunt has been replaced with some sort of malfunctioning robot, an incredible fake that looks and talks like him, but has a touch too much good humor. We will know for sure it's a cyborg if it starts bedding down in the Governor's Mansion in Jefferson City, or maybe picks up a phone and talks with Roy Blunt.

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Mitt Romney has his own exploding head problem, only it's not his noggin in danger of becoming blood pudding. It's the other guys running against him. They hate his guts.

According to a New York Times report, Romney has become "the most disliked" candidate, the black-hole equivalent to Miss Congeniality:
“The glee the other candidates go after Romney with is really unique,” said Dan Schnur, a Republican strategist who worked on (John) McCain’s presidential campaign bid in 2000 but is not affiliated with any campaign now. ...

Mr. Schnur used a schoolyard analogy to compare Mr. Romney, the ever-proper Harvard Law School and Business School graduate, to Mr. McCain, the gregarious rebel who racked up demerits and friends at the Naval Academy.

“John McCain and his friends used to beat up Mitt Romney at recess,” Mr. Schnur said.
Bam! More heads shatter and spray. These belong to the conservatives who despise McCain for his campaign-finance loving ways (not to mention his soft stance on immigration -- he doesn't want to strangle illegals with his bare hands, unless they're from Vietnam). They think McCain is nuts, and even though we happen to agree, it's difficult to hate the guy for it. When those eyes get to dancing in McCain's misshapen head you can catch a glimpse of the hell-with-it devil infesting his brain, and damned if it isn't endearing in a goofy gramps sort of way.

Hardline conservatives don't feel that warm mojo. Screw McInsane, I won't vote for him and the party can suck it. Same goes for Huckabee. No less than The Godfather says McCain and Huckabee are destroyers:
I'm here to tell you, if either of these two guys get the nomination, it's going to destroy the Republican Party, it's going to change it forever, be the end of it. A lot of people aren't going to vote. You watch.
Thus Rush throws his considerable weight behind Romney, by default. Tepid but tolerable. The country-club Republicans say Mitt's good enough on abortion, on gays, on all the social issues, because he's a damned fine businessman and a good-looking fella and that doesn't mean we're gay, we just appreciate a mighty fine looking man, someone with a chiseled chin and silver at the temples and five handsome sons, none of them looking too hairy, and did we mention we're not gay?

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Over at Free Republic the gore is ankle-deep, Dexter deep. Conservative darling Duncan Hunter has endorsed the much-maligned Huckabee, and Freepers are freaking. They hate Huckabee because he reminds the Freepers too much of Bill Clinton -- a formidable pol who wears the mask of the optimist. Besides, his last name makes them think of hillbillies.

The discussion about Hunter's endorsement makes Scanners look like Gumby -- the Claymation version, not Eddie Murphy, dammit. It's all confusion and bad blood on the slippery floor, and it's only January. The chance of more mayhem is great.

6 comments:

MrsThurstonHowell said...

Well, I'm slappin' my knee.

Act Your Old Age is...Lewis Black?

Ron: "Besides, his last name makes them think of hillbillies."

That's Huck-a-Billy, an inbred cousin of a Squidbilly. Think about it. And he has a son who looks like John Candy Squidbilly.

The much maligned Mitt might have to look to the lower forty for a running matey. Arrr. I'm trying to visualize Matt in the throws of the nationally televised VP debates. Any, I repeat, any Dem candidate could clean house with him. Oprah herself could do the deed.

One last thought...Boy Blunt should go to hell for naming Little Boy Blunt: Branch Blunt (head exploding)

Anonymous said...

He writes! Again! Well!

I've missed this.

Ken said...

My goodness, what will one subject Tony Messenger have to write about with Blunt gone.

Busplunge said...

RonD-
You write real nice.

Jason said...

Great post, Ron.

Cactus Wren said...

John McCain is a hypocritical schmuck.

I'm not particularly supporting anyone - but McCain has been a disaster for the people of Arizona. There's no evidence he would change his ways if he wins the WH.

Huckabee? He's an illegal alien amnesty panderer and way too smooth for me. Perhaps he should be a tele-evengalist.