WHAT A JERK

If Marco Castro ever wants to serve you a delicious salad, run. The 17-year-old student from Wheaton, Ill., was sentenced this week to community service for -- here's The Associated Press' delicate wording -- "contaminating salad dressing with semen."

According to The AP, Castro was also ordered to pay a $750 fine. He'll have to do 120 hours of service with a group that works with AIDS patients. The judge also ordered Castro to attend college, accordig to the Naperville Sun.

Details of the crime, according to the Sun:

Authorities said Castro surreptitiously took a small bottle of ranch salad dressing from the school's cafeteria commons, where juniors and seniors eat lunch. He brought the bottle into a men's restroom, ejaculated into it and then returned it to the condiment cart.

The dressing remained there for more than two days before students who had become aware of the incident reported Castro to school officials. At least two students reported consuming some of the tainted dressing.

Castro confessed Dec. 12 to police he had contaminated the dressing after being inspired to do so by the movie "Jackass: Number Two."

There is a reason we do not eat creamy ranch dressing.