CLARABELL FALLS SILENT FOR GOOD

To anyone over the age of 50, it's a blast from the past. The New York Sun reports on the death of Lew Anderson, aka Clarabell the Clown:

Anderson, who died Saturday at 84, was known most recently for his big band's regular Friday night gig at Birdland, but in the 1950s, he burned his way into the psychic landscape of millions of boomer kids as Clarabell the Clown on the "Howdy Doody Show."

Dressed in a striped clown suit, big clown shoes, and a clown nose, and armed with a trademark bottle of seltzer to facilitate carbonic interplay, Anderson was a jolly, unpredictable presence on the Howdy Doody set, and a foil for the more rational, reassuring Buffalo Bob. Clarabell did not speak, and like another silent clown, Harpo Marx, he was fond of communicating via squeeze horns. It thus came as a shock when, on the show's final day in September of 1960, Clarabell turned to the camera, and said, "Goodbye, kids."

"Howdy Doody" was an atypically silent interlude in an otherwise fairly mainstream pop music career. Anderson grew up in Kirkman, Iowa, and after attending Drake University on a music scholarship, joined the Lee Barron band, touring Midwestern venues by bus. He played reeds, mainly alto sax, and was beginning to learn to arrange music when he entered the Naval Air Corps in 1942. Anderson spent the bulk of the war on a Pacific submarine tender, and assembled his own big band in free moments.

After the war, Anderson joined the Carlos Molinas Latin Orchestra, where he created American-style dance arrangements. From the late 1940s, Anderson toured with a vocal group called the Honeydreamers, which developed a wide radio following. It was during an appearance on a variety show with the Honeydreamers that Anderson came to the attention of "Howdy Doody's" producers, in 1955.

The peanut gallery mourns.

LIKE 'LOST,' ONLY IN A BAR

The Springfield bloggers met Tuesday evening at Patton Alley Pub, drawing more than a dozen of the Unusual Suspects. For those who give a shattenkirk about it, Tony Messenger of the News-Leader made an appearance but brought no mugs.

Sitting there it occurred to us that the local bloggers -- so different in backgrounds, so varied in writing styles and textures of thought -- are pretty much the homely home version of "Lost," that television show on ABC.

We've got Andy @ Rhetorica, who's the hip Charlie, only Charlie would know Nirvana. Fat Jack is Hurley, sans hair. Marmot is Michael, if Michael wasn't a dude. Chiles is Jin Kwon (again with the gender caveat).

John Stone is Locke -- potentially insane, but the smart guy at the table and the only one who can save us from this damned island. God help us all.

A PRE-9/11 WORLD

President Bush on Monday delivered an anticipated speech on immigration. During the primetime address he acknowledged:

[T]he United States must secure its borders. This is a basic responsibility of a sovereign nation. It is also an urgent requirement of our national security ... we do not yet have full control of the border, and I am determined to change that.

Our national security depends on secure borders. Bush said terrorists could sneak across the U.S.-Mexico border. Given that backdrop, it was amazing that Bush didn't make a single reference to the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. Why not?

SHOW-ME DISAPPROVAL

The latest state-by-state listing of President Bush's approval rating is out, and Missouri is the (supposed) Red State with the lowest regard for the president's job performance.

The poll, conducted in Missouri for KSDK-TV in St. Louis and KCTV-TV in Kansas City, has Bush's approval rating at 29 percent. No other state that Bush carried in 2004 registers so low. Here, see it for yourself.

Missouri's approval for the president is 40th in the country, by the way. In the lowest fifth. Down there with California, where Bush's approval rating is 28 percent.

The president's weighted average across the country is 33 percent approval. Missouri may be a bellwether state in this regard.

MURDER THE MESSENGER

No, not Tony. This is a real sentiment, being expressed by the loudest self-proclaimed patriots in America.

All because reporters insist on doing their jobs.

On Monday, ABC reported:

A senior federal law enforcement official tells ABC News the government is tracking the phone numbers we (Brian Ross and Richard Esposito) call in an effort to root out confidential sources.

"It's time for you to get some new cell phones, quick," the source told us in an in-person conversation.

An alert reader pointed us to ABC's blog, The Blotter, where a discussion about the story is underway.

There are many scary people in this world. A sampling of the comments:

I am a journalism graduate, UNC-Chapel Hill. I am also a veteran. I hope they catch every government leaker of classified secret information and put them in prison for life. And any reporter publishing known classified secret information should be shot. It is called treason, not first amendment rights.
---
I am tired of thae (sic) news media leaking secret information in order to hurt PREDIDENT BUSH. I would prosucute the news media leakers for treason like LINCOLN did. We are at WAR with a enemy who whants to take over the world by force or kill all of us.
---
Personally, as I don't call anyone associated with Al Qaeda, I don't CARE if the Government tracks me, listens to me or records me. Only the guilty should be nervous. Is ABC and the NYT Guilty of aiding terroism or are they/you simply guilty of undermingin (sic) our security by letting the terrorists know what we are trying to do to stop them? In either case, you should be ashamed.

If the U.S. government is spying on its citizens, the terrorists have won. President Bush said so in September 2001, remember? He told us why the terrorists had attacked the U.S.:

They hate our freedoms -- our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other ...

Freedom and fear are at war. The advance of human freedom -- the great achievement of our time, and the great hope of every time -- now depends on us. Our nation -- this generation -- will lift a dark threat of violence from our people and our future. We will rally the world to this cause by our efforts, by our courage. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail.

But surely we have failed. There is fear and loss of freedoms, and the dark threat seems to come not only from our enemies, but also from our government.

One paragraph from Bush's 2001 speech now evokes a double meaning. He was speaking of al Qaeda then, but now the mirror has turned:

By sacrificing human life to serve their radical visions -- by abandoning every value except the will to power -- they follow in the path of fascism, and Nazism, and totalitarianism. And they will follow that path all the way, to where it ends: in history's unmarked grave of discarded lies.

We the people deserve no less.

BLOGGERS MEET

Springfield's ragtag group -- we few, we happy few, we band of bloggas -- meets at 7 p.m. Tuesday, May 16, at Patton Alley Pub (remember, kids: Time, date, place.)

It's expected that Tony Messenger, the new editorial-page editor of the News-Leader, will make an appearance; whether we'll all be mugged has yet to be determined.

STEM CELL INITIATIVE STYMIES POL

Where do you stand on the stem cell initiative, coming to Missouri voters in November?

Most everyone we know has taken a stand. But Springfield's state senator refuses to do so. Norma Champion, 73, would rather duck and weave than answer the question. Read the awful truth at All About Norma.

LOCAL RESTAURANT BURNS

A Saturday morning fire caused significant damage to Nearly Famous, an iconic local eatery near Sunshine Street and Glenstone Avenue.

First reports say a portion of the roof was collapsed and there was extensive smoke damage.

BLUNT VOWS TO SIGN VOTER ID BILL

Missourians who vote this fall must show a valid photo ID to cast a ballot.

The Missouri General Assembly on Friday sent the bill to Gov. Matt Blunt for his signature. Blunt has already told Secretary of State Robin Carnahan -- the election authority in Missouri -- that he will sign the bill.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports:

The governor called Carnahan’s concerns about the requirement 'exaggerated.'"

"I have been a longtime supporter of a photo identification requirement," Blunt said. "The improvements we made to the identification requirements in 2002 helped restore Missourians confidence in the elections process after the disastrous 2000 general election which was eclipsed only by Florida in terms of fraud and irregularities.

"Senate Bill 1014 continues the good work we started in the secretary of state’s office that contributed to record voter turnout in both the August and November 2004 elections. I look forward to signing it into law when it reaches my desk."

Will it lead to voters being turned away from the polls? That's the fear of many Democrats, and it explains why the soon-to-be-law will wind up in court before it's ever enacted.

ARREST IN HOME INVASION

A 34-year-old Springfield man was arrested Friday as a suspect in a Wednesday morning home invasion in the 700 block of South Warren Avenue.

Brannon Troy Holmes was arrested at 2 p.m. Friday, police say. Holmes is being held on suspicion of first-degree burglary, first-degree assault and second-degree assault. At this hour, prosecutors haven't filed charges.

A GREAT OBITUARY

Here in the states, we'd never heard of "Barehand" Bates, a UK Navy officer who did something quite remarkable during World War II. Now that Bates has died, his story has been fully told. The Telegraph offers a deep and satisfying obit:

Captain "Barehands" Bates, who has died aged 89, played a vital role in sinking the German battleship Scharnhorst by climbing the mast of his ship to adjust its radar aerial.

On Boxing Day 1943 Bates was electrical officer in Duke of York, the flagship of Admiral Sir Bruce Fraser, when Scharnhorst slipped out of the Norwegian fjords to attack Russian convoy JW55B, off the North Cape.

It was blowing a force 8 gale in the bitterly cold permanent dark when Bates, whose action station was high in the ship under the tripod mast, reported the echo of Scharnhorst, which had been trapped by Fraser’s tactical manoeuvring while being shadowed by the cruiser Belfast.

Bates’s report enabled Fraser to close within visual range at 8,000 yards, enabling Duke of York to surprise Scharnhorst with a first salvo.

German near-misses were soon falling around the British ship when, with a sudden whoosh, the radar failed.

Bates and his two operators were thrown in a heap to the deck, and when he picked himself up the radar, though seeming to work, showed no echoes.

Puzzled, Bates climbed two-thirds the way up the swaying mast. Feeling about in the dark, with the aid of a small torch between his fingers, he found that the aerial was pointing skywards: the shock wave of a German 11-inch shell, which had passed though the tripod mast and under Bates’s feet, had blown it out of alignment.

Bates returned the aerial to the horizontal and restarted the gyro-stabiliser so that within a few minutes the radar was working again, thus restoring to Fraser the advantage of a clear tactical picture in the prevailing low visibility.

At about 18:20, Duke of York scored a direct hit, which penetrated Scharnhorst’s starboard side and put a boiler-room out of action, thereby reducing the speed so that she was was sunk a few hours later.

Radar was still a complete mystery to most people, and the story of its restoration was therefore all but incomprehensible.

Afterwards the ship’s company believed that Bates, a strong man standing six foot three inches tall and weighing 19 stone, had climbed the mast to hold together the radar antennae; but the public was told that he had repaired wireless leads.

He was awarded the DSC for great gallantry, determination and skill while his radar operators, Able Seamen Horace Badkin and Geoffrey Whitton, were awarded the DSM.

Nevertheless, Bates was exasperated after the war by the way he was regularly depicted as "Barehands Bates", holding live electrical wires together, in comics and on the backs of cereal packets.

Bates' real name was Harold Raymond Kingsmill Bates. His friends called him "King." Postwar he became assistant director of Naval Intelligence before he retired in 1969.

His retirement was spent this way, according to the Telegraph:

Bates then bought and ran a filling station and shop at Yarnbrook crossroads, Trowbridge, Wiltshire, where he was assisted by an ex-chief petty officer, known only as "Mr Fido", who was vigilant in guarding the sweet counter from small boys.

Bates enjoyed a beer at the Long Arms opposite, from where he could view the forecourt and sally forth as necessary to serve customers.

Bates had a passion for motor cars, owning a Rover Speed 20 drophead coupé, a Jaguar XK120 and many later models of Jaguar.

He also bought one of the first Mini Coopers, which he had to drive with his large frame doubled-up. In his spare time he was usually head under the bonnet, stripping down engines and maintaining cars for family and friends - not always an easy task with his huge hands.

He preferred the company of woman and enjoyed being at the centre of things, never more so than at a good party. Latterly, with his second wife, he became an incurable traveller by cruise liner and by jet, usually to the Mediterranean.

Good night, Barehands.

ROUNTREE ELEMENTARY IS NOT A FREE-FIRE ZONE

Now that a gym teacher and the principal of the Springfield elementary school have been charged in a sex-abuse investigation, there is the usual media fallout.

KSPR, the ABC affiliate, sent a shooter to the school on Friday afternoon, probably hoping for some fresh footage of scampering kids. Note to KSPR: When your shooter sets up on a sidewalk on the school parking lot, don't be surprised when school administrators ask him to leave.

The teacher, Mark Washam, faces four misdemeanor charges of first-degree sexual misconduct and five misdemeanor charges of third-degree assault, according to KYTV:

Investigators think the victims in the case are five girls and one boy, all students at Rountree.

Principal Carolyn Harralson is charged with violating the state’s mandatory reporter law. That law requires people in certain professions to call a state hotline if they suspect or receive a report of possible child abuse. Investigators say Harralson didn’t take seriously the reports about the teacher that were given to her by students and parents.

Many Rountree parents have taken sides; some say there is no way Washam is guilty, and others stand by Harralson as a remarkable administrator.

Darrell Moore, the Greene County prosecutor, says Harralson was told of the allegations and didn't phone them into an anonymous hotline. Moore said that when people don't know if abuse allegations are true, they should go ahead and call the hotline. We don't believe it has to be all or nothing.

THROUGH THE FLOOR TO 29 PERCENT

President Bush's approval rating is below 30 percent for the first time in his presidency. From The Wall Street Journal blog:

Of 1,003 U.S. adults surveyed in a telephone poll, 29% think Mr. Bush is doing an "excellent or pretty good" job as president, down from 35% in April and significantly lower than 43% in January.

Roughly one-quarter of U.S. adults say "things in the country are going in the right direction," while 69% say "things have pretty seriously gotten off on the wrong track." This trend has declined every month since January, when 33% said the nation was heading in the right direction. Iraq remains a key concern for the general public, as 28% of Americans said they consider Iraq to be one of the top two most important issues the government should address, up from 23% in April. The immigration debate also prompted 16% of Americans to consider it a top issue, down from 19% last month, but still sharply higher from 4% in March.

The Harris poll comes two days after a downbeat assessement of Bush in a New York Times/CBS News poll. The Times, in analyzing the results, said "Americans have a bleaker view of the country’s direction than at any time in more than two decades."

And this poll was taken before news broke about the latest NSA spy scandal.

'WE'RE IN SOME SERIOUS TROUBLE HERE, BOYS AND GIRLS"

CNN's Jack Cafferty -- now there's a curmudgeon in the finest sense of the word -- blistered the Bush Administration on Thursday for spying on Americans.

Said Cafferty:

"We better all hope nothing happens to Arlen Specter, the Republican head of the Senate Judiciary Committee, 'cause he might be all that's standing between us and a full-blown dictatorship in this country."

Specter plans to ask the heads of U.S. phone companies why they handed our phone records to the government. Here's hoping he doesn't run into a magic bullet.

Crooks & Liars has the Cafferty video. It's worth seeing for yourself.

BUSH DEFENDS PHONE-RECORD COLLECTION

Responding to a report in Thursday's USA TODAY that the government is collecting our phone records, President Bush said:

After September the 11th, I vowed to the American people that our government would do everything within the law to protect them against another terrorist attack. As part of this effort, I authorized the National Security Agency to intercept the international communications of people with known links to al Qaeda and related terrorist organizations. In other words, if al Qaeda or their associates are making calls into the United States or out of the United States, we want to know what they're saying.

Today there are new claims about other ways we are tracking down al Qaeda to prevent attacks on America. I want to make some important points about what the government is doing and what the government is not doing.

First, our international activities strictly target al Qaeda and their known affiliates. Al Qaeda is our enemy, and we want to know their plans. Second, the government does not listen to domestic phone calls without court approval. Third, the intelligence activities I authorized are lawful and have been briefed to appropriate members of Congress, both Republican and Democrat. Fourth, the privacy of ordinary Americans is fiercely protected in all our activities.

We're not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans. Our efforts are focused on links to al Qaeda and their known affiliates. So far we've been very successful in preventing another attack on our soil.

As a general matter, every time sensitive intelligence is leaked, it hurts our ability to defeat this enemy. Our most important job is to protect the American people from another attack, and we will do so within the laws of our country.

Didn't take him long to invoke the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, did it?

He continues to claim that spying on us in the U.S. is "lawful," while still blatantly breaking the law.

He says our privacy is "fiercely protected," but government collection of our phone records without good reason is a blatant violation the Fourth Amendment:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

He pleases his far-right (and media-hating) base by criticizing leaks of sensitive information, but he (and they) are oblivious to the irony. We now know Valerie Plame was monitoring Iran's nuclear capabilities -- sensitive stuff -- when she was outed by leaks from the Bush Administration.

The coming indictment of Karl Rove for his role in covering up the Plame scandal will only increase the descent speed of the president's poll numbers. What the administration needs now is a really big distraction. God help us if that comes to pass.

FLOYD PATTERSON DIES

The former heavyweight champion of the world was 71. He died Thursday in New Paltz, N.Y.

According to The Associated Press:

Patterson, who suffered from Alzheimer's disease and prostate cancer, had been hospitalized a week earlier. Funeral arrangements are pending. A second wife and four grown children from two marriages survive him.

Born in Waco, N.C., Patterson became a boxing phenomenon while competing in the New York Golden Gloves tournament. He later won gold as a middleweight in the 1952 Olympics in Helsinki, Finland.

In 1956, he knocked out legendary boxer Archie Moore in a pro title fight and became the youngest world heavyweight champion in history at age 21. He held the title for five years, and he won it again after a loss, making him the first heavyweight to reclaim the title.

He retired in 1972 at age 37 with a pro record of 55-8-1 and 40 knockouts. He went on to become New York state athletic commissioner.

Point to Smitty.

NO DOMESTIC SPY PROBE

What an amazing scam. Our government breaks the law, spies on its citizens -- and then refuses to cooperate with investigators. The Associated Press reports:

The government has abruptly ended an inquiry into the warrantless eavesdropping program because the National Security Agency refused to grant Justice Department lawyers security clearance.

The Justice Department's Office of Professional Responsibility, or OPR, sent a fax Wednesday to Democratic Rep. Maurice Hinchey of New York saying it was closing its inquiry because without clearance it could not examine department lawyers' role in the program.

"We have been unable to make any meaningful progress in our investigation because OPR has been denied security clearances for access to information about the NSA program," OPR counsel H. Marshall Jarrett wrote to Hinchey. Hinchey's office shared the letter with The Associated Press.

Jarrett wrote that beginning in January his office has made a series of requests for the necessary clearances. Those requests were denied Tuesday.

"Without these clearances, we cannot investigate this matter and therefore have closed our investigation," Jarrett wrote.

Case closed. Freedom hosed.

THIS IS NOT AMERICA

USA TODAY has the talker of Thursday:

The National Security Agency has been secretly collecting the phone call records of tens of millions of Americans, using data provided by AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth, people with direct knowledge of the arrangement told USA TODAY.

The NSA program reaches into homes and businesses across the nation by amassing information about the calls of ordinary Americans — most of whom aren't suspected of any crime. This program does not involve the NSA listening to or recording conversations. But the spy agency is using the data to analyze calling patterns in an effort to detect terrorist activity, sources said in separate interviews ...

In defending the previously disclosed program, Bush insisted that the NSA was focused exclusively on international calls. "In other words," Bush explained, "one end of the communication must be outside the United States."

As a result, domestic call records — those of calls that originate and terminate within U.S. borders — were believed to be private.

Sources, however, say that is not the case. With access to records of billions of domestic calls, the NSA has gained a secret window into the communications habits of millions of Americans. Customers' names, street addresses and other personal information are not being handed over as part of NSA's domestic program, the sources said. But the phone numbers the NSA collects can easily be cross-checked with other databases to obtain that information.

Only Qwest has refused to bend over and comply with the government's rape. The result:

Trying to put pressure on Qwest, NSA representatives pointedly told Qwest that it was the lone holdout among the big telecommunications companies. It also tried appealing to Qwest's patriotic side: In one meeting, an NSA representative suggested that Qwest's refusal to contribute to the database could compromise national security, one person recalled.

There is nothing to joke about, no smart-ass crack to make. Our phone habits are being monitored. Our government is actively spying on us. This is not America.

ABE ROSENTHAL DEAD AT 84

The legend of The New York Times died Wednesday; the Associated Press obit says Rosenthal succumbed to complications from a stroke.

According to the AP:

Rosenthal spent virtually all of his working life at the Times, beginning as a lowly campus stringer in 1943. He rose to police reporter, foreign correspondent, managing editor and finally to the exalted office of executive editor, a post he held for nine years beginning in 1977.

"Abe was a giant among journalists," retired Times publisher Arthur Ochs Sulzberger said in a statement. "He was a great editor with extraordinary loyalty to his troops."

On Rosenthal's watch, the Times published the "Pentagon Papers," a history of America's secret involvement in Vietnam, which won the paper one of its many Pulitzer Prizes in 1972. But the paper started slowly on Watergate and never caught up with the rival Washington Post on the seminal story that brought down a president.

At least he lived long enough to see Judith Miller shoved out the door.

LOOKING FOR A RADIATOR?

Sometimes it's fun to see where CHATTER readers come from. Do a Google search for the words "chatter" and "Ron Davis" and there we are up top where we belong.

But a looksee for Ron Davis might take you anywhere -- to a bad-ass company that makes radiators; to a California real-estate agent who scarfed up the web address of our dreams; to a jazz musician in Canada who candidly has a much better mugshot than anyone around this joint.

There is an upside. Google the words "television," "chatter" and "chimp" (as a recent reader did) and voila -- there's CHATTER at No. 1, unfairly pushing aside such fine sites as Mr. Monkey's Index of Famous Monkeys. Turns out there was a chimp named Chatter who appeared on Chicago television in 1953. "Possibly the finest chimpanzee to appear on the small screen," Mr. Monkey writes, and who are we to argue with his knowledge?

We do know this: Searching Google images for Ron Davis is not something you want to do on a regular basis. Not unless you appreciate photos like this one, this one, or especially this one.

HOME INVASION IN SPRINGFIELD

It's a fairly new crime in Springfield. Police say a man walked into an unlocked home in the 700 block of South Warren Avenue, around 6:25 a.m. Wednesday, and beat up the person inside. From the SPD news release:

The victim was transported to a local hospital with non-life threatening injuries. The motive for this assault is unclear at this time.

Officers are looking for a w/m, 6’0” with a slim build. He was described as having light brown hair and is approximately 20-30 years of age. He was last seen wearing a red/green/blue plaid jacket with hood, blue jeans and brown work boots. He did not have facial hair.

The suspect’s hair is described as very short on the sides with a strip down the middle that was combed forward. Perhaps not a full Mohawk, but maybe a "high and tight" style of haircut, or some other unusual style.

Officers would like to remind citizens to be aware of their surroundings, keep their doors locked, even if they are at home; and to have good lighting around their house.

Got info? Call the cops at (417) 864-1810.

GO AHEAD, DRINK THE RUM

Last week's too-good-to-be-true story is exactly that. According to Reuters, originators of the dead-guy-in-rum-barrel tale:

The Budapest story headlined "Hungary workers get shock at bottom of rum barrel" issued on May 4 is withdrawn. Police said the incident, reported on a police magazine Web site, happened 10 years ago. Reuters has been unable to make any further checks to substantiate the story.

There will be no substitute story.

Fine. We'll have to settle for a story on a cop who flashes more than his badge.

CIRCUMSTANCE BEYOND OUR CONTROL

The phone, TV and the News of the World: We've got the first two covered, and while the third can be accessed online, it's not as sweet as hitting the local newspaper's site and learning more about the insanity of our fellow Ozarkers.

By that standard, Wednesday's News-Leader is chockablock with nutty goodness:

•The DWI Task Force will be out at the Brown Derby Wine Center to launch a petition drive aimed at keeping anyone under 21 from darkening the doorsteps of local bars. Such a drag that we'll have to avoid all Brown Derby booze huts until this madness stops.

•Melissa Olson, a precocious teen who attends New Covenant Academy, wants abstinence forced on her public-school counterparts. Perhaps Olson would be happier living in Kansas. We hear they've got a helluva reputation for teaching science.

•What would a rainy, dreary day be without Paul Summers? The local conservative typist has a column in Wednesday's News-Leader. It is completely nonsensical and worth a laugh or two.

Descended like flies, you betcha.

DOH DO'H

It is now official: Nostalgia is out of control.

Play-Doh is peddling a cologne that smells like Play-Doh. It's a stinky 50th anniversary gimmick, according to the New York Post:

"We're about bringing everyday memories to life in a bottle," says Christopher Gale, founder of Demeter Fragrance Library, where eau de Play-Doh joins 170 other scents, including Dirt (which smells like a plowed field), Snow, Tomato and Fresh-Pumped Gasoline ("oddly enough, a lot of women requested that").

"To be honest, you may not want to wear it as a cologne," Gale says of his firm's singular sense-sation, "but you might just want to take it out of your purse or glove compartment now and then and just smell it.

Cost? About $20 an ounce. Or you can buy some real Play-Doh and practice your sniff-and-squeeze technique.

Demeter Fragrance offers plenty of scents, but their library lacks one important fragrance:

You smell that? Do you smell that? Napalm, son. Nothing else in the world smells like that. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. You know, one time we had a hill bombed, for twelve hours. When it was all over I walked up. We didn't find one of 'em, not one stinkin' dink body. The smell, you know that gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smelled like - victory.

HUD SEC'Y: TOE THE PARTY LINE

Want to do business with the Department of Housing and Urban Development? Whatever you do, don't discuss politics. That's the message from HUD honcho Alphonso Jackson, who gave a speech in Dallas and made it clear that contractors must toe the party line to get work.

According to the Dallas Business Journal:

After discussing the huge strides the agency has made in doing business with minority-owned companies, Jackson closed with a cautionary tale, relaying a conversation he had with a prospective advertising contractor.

"He had made every effort to get a contract with HUD for 10 years," Jackson said of the prospective contractor. "He made a heck of a proposal and was on the (General Services Administration) list, so we selected him. He came to see me and thank me for selecting him. Then he said something ... he said, 'I have a problem with your president.'

"I said, 'What do you mean?' He said, 'I don't like President Bush.' I thought to myself, 'Brother, you have a disconnect -- the president is elected, I was selected. You wouldn't be getting the contract unless I was sitting here. If you have a problem with the president, don't tell the secretary.'

"He didn't get the contract," Jackson continued. "Why should I reward someone who doesn't like the president, so they can use funds to try to campaign against the president? Logic says they don't get the contract. That's the way I believe."

It figures.