BRIAN LEWIS GETS A TOADY

This highly improbable event would otherwise be buried back in the blog comments, but we found it so smug that we felt it deserved better play.

The anonymous writer (no surprise there) decided that this little blog was too mean to Brian Lewis, associate editorial page editor for the local newspaper. We poked fun at Lewis for writing what may be the Lamest Column Ever.

The response from Mr. Lewis' suck-up friend came Friday night:

Even if Mr. Lewis weren't a better writer, sentence by sentence, than you are--and he certainly is--(reversing "all well and good" to "all good and well" doesn't make it not a cliche, Ron--and how much trouble is it to italicize the name of the paper?), his main claim over you as a writer is his heart for the greater good. What you've got, by contrast, is a hard-on for Ron Davis.

No amount of effort, and you certainly have put in some effort here, can overcome your profound absence of soul. Understanding that, I can see why you'd key on what you perceive as a writer's "laziness." You must be frustrated to see so much of your hard work come to no more than it has.

I remember the column you reference. In it, Mr. Lewis was trying to invite dialogue--asking questions, valuing the opinions of others, trying to make the paper more responsive to the community. I can see how the value of this gesture, and of Mr. Lewis's self-deprecating humor, would fly right by the man who helped bring us Springfield's vanity magazine, and who now self-publishes a blog where he gets to pretend he's a syndicated columnist.

Anonymous, unless you're cultivating a bitchy-head-cheerleader vibe, I wouldn't take your personability cues from Ron, whose idea of being a good person is being seen at Bijan's, sneering knowingly and wearing something hip.

Ron, here's hoping you can come to something better. Come to think of it, a spell of laziness on your part might do us all some good.

So confused. Being seen at Bijans? Sneering knowingly? Wearing something hip? We've got a hard-on? Only one of the four is true.

Bravo, Brian Lewis! Your columns are terrible. But your lackey can turn a phrase.