THE DOVE FOUNDATION

If your phone rings and caller ID says it's the Dove Foundation, you're in for a slippery treat that has nothing to do with soap.

The Dove Foundation is a non-profit group that wants to ban all forms of provocative entertainment. No, the people at Dove don't use the word "ban." They prefer to cloak their agenda with another word:

Family.

The organization is currently calling people across the United States to solicit input for its "entertainment survey." Dove says it's exempt from Do Not Call legislation because it's a charitable organization.

As Dove notes on its site:

Currently we are contacting American families to talk about family-friendly entertainment and how people can influence film makers to produce more wholesome movies. Also, we are asking people their thoughts on the MPAA movie rating system, and if they feel helpless to change what is being produced. We plan on sharing the information we collect with studio executives and also have posted some of the results of our phone survey on our web site.

The results of Dove's poll? Not surprisingly, 93 percent of people said they believed "offensive material in TV, Movies & the Internet is on the rise." A like percentage said they felt "helpless to change what is being produced."

Well, that's where the Dove Foundation comes in. Hell-bent on removing profanity, nudity and violence from American cinema, Dove is using its survey (a million strong, it claims) to pressure Hollywood into blandness. As a Dove writer notes:

There are still a few diehard filmmakers who insist on making movies to impress their peers, without regard for the audience-at-large.

And this:

According to some filmmakers, movies are made to send a message. But, as Louis B. Meyer once said, “If you want to send a message, call Western Union.” According to Merriam-Webster, “to entertain is to amuse.” Portraying society in its most despicable state at the lowest depths of depravity is not, in the minds of most people, entertainment.

No depravity, no "explicit portrayals of sex, violence, nudity and profanity." Dove wants you to believe that none of that stuff existed before the heathens and homosexuals took command of the culture.

This would conceivably damn "On The Waterfront," the best picture of 1954. Or "Midnight Cowboy," best picture in 1969. Or "Patton," the greatest film of 1970. Too much violence, too much sex, too much profanity, in that order.

But there's a mighty queer disconnect between Dove's claims and harsh reality. One example: Dove gives a "family approved" OK to "The Pink Panther" remake with Steve Martin, despite "sexual innuendos scattered here and there ... crude reference to male genitalia ... murders and fights and poison darts but nothing graphic." Oh, and two references to "hell" and one uttered "bastard."

But Dove gives a "not approved" frown to "Good Night, and Good Luck," citing "the inclusion of 2 GDs that could have easily been removed before the film's release." Note: The movie contains no sex, no violence and no nudity. But it was directed by that leftist George Clooney. Coincidence?

Dove seeks three things from you:

3) Encourage video stores to carry Dove-approved flicks, as "an alternative to protests and boycotts."

2) Tell your friends and neighbors of their efforts to force Hollywood to its knees.

1) Send money. Send lots of money.

In lieu of that last one -- but in honor of the Dove Foundation -- we're going to watch "Glengarry Glen Ross" and quote the hell out of it.