A REAL PORN SWORDSMAN

James Van Iveren heard noises coming from a neighbor's apartment in Wisconsin. He thought he heard a woman being raped.

Armed with a sword, he broke into the apartment. Too late, he discovered the noises were apparently coming from a porn movie.

Now Van Iveren is charged with kicking in his neighbor's door. The Journal Sentinel has what may be this week's most delightful read in an American paper. A couple excerpts:

Van Iveren's neighbor, Bret Stieghorst, said Wednesday that he believed Van Iveren was doing what he thought was the right thing in kicking in the door to his apartment and didn't care about the charges that were filed, except damage to property.

"He did kick in my door, so he should get charged with that," said Stieghorst, 33, who works full time and is a student at Waukesha County Technical College. "But he really didn't do anything except what he thought was right. I don't know what I would have done in that situation."

But if Van Iveren was attempting to rescue what he thought was a woman in danger he was "obnoxiously late," said Stieghorst, who said he watched the movie between 1 and 2:30 a.m., but Van Iveren did not burst into his apartment until about 11:30 a.m. ...

Stieghorst, who said he has lived in his small downtown apartment for five years, said he was watching an adult DVD in Spanish called "Casa de Culo." He said the movie has no screaming that would suggest to someone a woman was in danger.

"It's all in Spanish, and I don't understand a word of it," he said. "I only bought it for the hot chicks." ...

Waukesha County Assistant District Attorney Kevin Osborne said it would be a mistake to let Van Iveren off the hook merely because he says he was mistaken.

"You can't just make up an excuse for your behavior and expect to avoid consequences," he said.

Stieghorst said the incident will not change his movie-viewing habits.

"No, way; I'm a man and I'm a normal person," he said. "But I think I will get some good headphones, maybe some wireless ones."

For those of you who care, "Casa de Culo" is a four-hour video. That's a lot of culo.