HELLO, DUMMY

While working on a story about the theft of a simulation doll from the medical examiner's ride, a reporter turned us on to this website and its panoply of weird-ass wickedness.

Want a naked woman with third-degree burns? Or a fat, headless dude? This is the NSFW place for you. You have been warned.

MAN: THAT WAS NO ROBBERY, THAT WAS ME SLEEPWALKING

Winston Riley, 27, robbed a woman in the elevator of a Connecticut casino. After being caught, he confessed to cops.

But the waking Riley didn't do it, or so he attorney says. According to the Norwich Bulletin:

(Defense attorney Nicholas) D’Amato said he has prepared a “medical defense” that relies on Riley’s history of sleepwalking. D’Amato, of the Bridgeport-based firm Tina Sypek D’Amato LLC, said he has already spoken to Riley’s family to confirm he has been sleepwalking since he was a child. 

“It is the first time we’ve encountered this,” D’Amato said. “This is a legitimate medical condition." 

D’Amato plans to argue that Riley wasn’t feeling well and had napped in his car on the morning of the incident. Riley was actually woken up by the woman in the elevator, running away in confusion and fright, he said. 

D’Amato said while he has anecdotal evidence, he is in the early stages of gathering medical records in his attempt to gather proof and convince prosecutors they should take the claim seriously. 

“This is not going to be an easy defense to present,” D’Amato admits. “We really have the burden to prove this. The prosecutors are not going to drop the case because we say so.”

Riley has no priors and he's married.

FEDS: NO ZOMBIE VIRUS

A guy in New Jersey guts himself and throws his intestines at cops. And, of course, there's the dude in Miami who decided to snack on someone's face.

Of course it's not zombies — or we'd like to think so, except the government is now telling us it's not zombies. Which makes us wonder: zombies?

The Associated Press gets in on the action:

The Centers for Disease Control (used) the "apocalypse" as the teaser for its emergency preparedness blog. It worked, attracting younger people who might not otherwise have read the agency's guidance on planning evacuation routes and storing water and food. 

(Now) chatter had become so rampant that CDC spokesman David Daigle sent an email to the Huffington Post, answering questions about the possibility of the undead walking among us. 

"CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead," he wrote, adding: "(or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.)"

That's it. If the feds say there is no zombie virus, there is a zombie virus. We are so hosed. We're moving here.

LED ZEPPELIN II, 64

He was born George Blackburn, but he changed his name after a divorce last year to honor the band, and to get a fresh start.

Wasn't much of a start. Blackburn died in Illinois of a heart attack. He was 64.

EMBROIDERED KANYE

Two words: FREAKING FABULOUS. Get your favorite Kanye West tweet embroidered. Hat tip to Carrie, so follow her on Twitter (you'll find her @tatgalqueencity). The CHATTER Fourth of July (screw waiting for Christmas) wish list is now complete.

AGONY OF THE FEET

Since last August, human feet have been washing ashore on British Columbia's Gulf Islands. Right feet, to be precise, and clad in sneakers.

It happened again on Thursday, in Richmond.

According to this Canada.com story, it's a real stumper:

The first foot appeared last Aug. 20 on Jedediah Island, near Nanoose Bay.

A week later, a second foot was found on nearby Gabriola Island.

On Feb. 8, a third foot washed up on the eastern shore of Valdez Island, off the shore of Nanaimo, which is accessible only by floatplane or private boat.

All three were right feet and all were found in sneakers. The first two feet were found in size 12 men's sneakers.

The latest foot was found on the north side of uninhabited Kirkland Island, west of the George Massey Tunnel at the south end of No. 5 Road.

Someone has gotten off on the right foot.

SUPERNATURALLY SCREWED

Two women in Federal Way, Wash., say a ghost has raped them. Yes, we know.

As KOMO reports:

[T]he two women told officers a paranormal person has been placing sensors on their bodies and having intercourse with them at their apartment ...

One of the women said the assault began when she lived in Kent and followed them to Federal Way. The second woman said her encounters began recently.

The maintenance man in charge of the apartment complex said the women keep calling him saying the ghosts are raping them on weekend nights. He finally told them to call police.

And now he has the foundation for the world's best Penthouse Forum letter.

DEATH BY BEER-FILLED BACKPACK

Climbing over a chain-link fence, he didn't take into account the added weight of a dozen 40-ounce beers in his backpack. Straps on the pack get tangled around his neck. Lights out.

According to The Associated Press:

Police in Vancouver, Wash., say 51-year-old James Francis Henry had been drinking beer Tuesday night while walking with his girlfriend, 38-year-old Kelli Jo Barkley. They were returning to their homeless encampment from their roadside panhandling site.

Barkley says he fell while trying to scale a 6-foot chain link fence, got his neck caught in the chest strap of his backpack and said, "Help me! Help me!"

By the time she got a nearby resident to call 911 and emergency crews arrived, Henry was unconscious and could not be revived.

And you thought four 40s were killer.

BORN FOR POLITICS

The two-faced baby, of course -- the one born in India, where God knows what's in the water (a couple years ago, a baby was born in Bihar with four arms and four legs).

As the Telegraph reports:

The four-day old baby girl, born to Vinod Singh and his partner Sushma, is already being hailed as a reincarnation of the Indian God Ganesha.

Sushma gave birth to the 'miracle' child in the Gautam Buddha Nagar district of Uttar Pradesh, 50 kilometres north east of New Dehli.

As news of her birth spread through the secluded rural village where her family reside, local residents began singing and dancing and asking for her blessings.

According to the doctor at the hospital, the baby girl and her mother are both in good health.

If one overlooks the baby's two faces.

HE'LL NEVER MAKE SERGEANT

A police officer in New York was cleaning his gun in dim light. No electricity; he couldn't pay the bill.

And then something happened, and a toddler was shot. The Associated Press reports:

Officer Patrick Venetek, who had less than two years experience on the force, was stripped of his gun and placed on modified duty while the department investigates the Feb. 7 incident, authorities said.

His brother told reporters Friday that the officer had set his gun down on a table, and then accidentally knocked it to the floor when he returned to the room.

The gun discharged, firing a bullet that passed into the apartment below and hit 1-year-old Jonathan Porcellini in the arm.

"Just a few more inches and I could have lost my son," said his father, Justin Porcellini. "This is a city employee, a cop. They are supposed to be safe. I want people to know that what happened was wrong."

Who cleans a gun without making sure it's unloaded?

DOG 1, MAN 0

Dog bites man, only worse. Let the Houston Chronicle do the telling:

In a freak hunting accident, a Baytown man was killed over the weekend when his dog stepped on his loaded shotgun, triggering a discharge that penetrated his truck's tailgate and then struck him, officials said.

Perry Alvin Price III was hunting on a lease near Stowell in Chambers County Saturday and had shot down a goose but had not seen where it landed, sheriff's investigators said.

The 46-year-old math teacher from Baytown's Robert E. Lee High School then put his shotgun in the back of his truck and was about to open the tailgate to release his tracking dog when the shotgun fired, investigators said. The blast struck Price in the thigh.

Price died from severe blood loss from his femoral artery shortly after arriving about 6:20 p.m. at Winnie Medical Center. Price's hunting companion and a former student, Daniel Groberg, said he tried to stop the bleeding with clothing before taking him from the hunting lease off FM 1941.

Paw prints from Price's beloved chocolate Labrador retriever, Arthur, were found on the muddy shotgun, said Chambers County Sheriff Joe LaRive. ...

Price's sister speculated that the dog was anxious to begin the pursuit.

"His dog was so excited," said Patricia Payne. "He was jumping all around, because he was about to get out and go get that goose.

"That gun had to be knocked around just right to fire. I believe the dog knocked the safety off and hit the trigger, too," she said. "Price was always so careful."

Man's best friend. Just keep him away from shotguns.

STOPPING OFF FOR A COLD ONE

Donald Luis Cooper, 32, is an odd duck. He apparently likes to have sex with dead people. Now he's going to prison. According to the Daily Press in Victorville, Calif.:

In February 2003, Cooper, 32, and his girlfriend, Chaunee Marie Helm, 30, were working for All-County Transportation, driving bodies from Victor Valley Community Hospital to the county morgue in San Bernardino.

Security cameras in the morgue captured Cooper sexually assaulting the body of Robyn Gillett, an Adelanto girl who had died of the flu. Helm served as a lookout.

But Cooper was not charged with necrophilia because it wasn’t illegal at the time. He pleaded guilty to mutilating grave remains and received a suspended two-year prison sentence.

If he kept his nose clean for the five years of his probation, he wouldn’t have to serve any additional jail time beyond the time he spent waiting for trial.

But instead of keeping his nose clean, Cooper was caught in a house where small children lived. Seven kids, in all, most belonging to his current girlfriend. The house was filthy:

“There were animal feces and urine on the floor, in the children’s room, the living room,” said Code Enforcement Supervisor Tony Genovesi. “There were feces on the wall. The odor was terrible. ... Any time you have animals that are defecating inside the house and urinating inside the house, the odor’s pretty bad.”

Cooper's probation was revoked. Now he's headed back to jail for a year. Nice guy.

WOOF, WOOFEN, WAFFEN

Police in Straubling, Bavaria, say a man shaved a swastika and a Waffen-SS insignia into his dog's fur. He's 29 (the man, not the dog) -- too young to remember, too old to be pulling this kind of noise.

Reuters reports:

Police made the discovery when the suspect's ex-girlfriend requested police help to collect her belongings from his apartment because she was afraid of him.

It was not clear if the man, who has not commented on the markings, had shown the dog in public, a police spokesman said.

"That still needs to be proved," he said. "If he only kept the dog inside the apartment, it wouldn't be public."

Grotesque, yes. But not public, and thus not a crime in Germany. Show off a Nazi symbol there, you can go to prison for three years. Keep it hidden and you're simply a sick twist.

FRESH HAMBURGERS TONIGHT

You're driving your minivan -- so sorry about that -- along a highway in Washington state. Manna falls from heaven. Or something like that. Reuters reports:

A cow plunged from a 200-foot cliff onto the hood of a minivan on a highway in central Washington state, according to police.

The car's occupants, Charles and Linda Everson, were not hurt in Sunday's accident, but the cow was euthanized at the scene.

"If the cow had fallen a split second later, the animal would have landed right in their laps," said Jeff Middleton, criminal deputy of the Chelan County Sheriff's Department.

The cow weighed about 600 pounds. Mmm. Meat.

PALE SONGWRITER

Michael Jackson -- musical genius, incredibly performer, absolute freak. And back in the spotlight. EbonyJet.com features the whitest-ever image of Jackson on the cover of Ebony.

It's been 25 years since Thriller. Wish today's Jackson would do something equally earth-shattering in the studio.

BUNCHA DINKS

In Merlin, Ore., the Udink family has been stripped of its identity, thanks to bureaucrats with no sense of reality.

The Udinks have been ordered to turn in their vanity license plates because their last name could be viewed as offensive.

The Associated Press reports:

The plates, UDINK1 UDINK2 and UDINK3 are on the vehicles of Mike and Shelly Udink and their son Kalei. Two of the plates are five and seven years old. One was issued last year.

Last summer, Kawika Udink's application for UDINK4 was rejected and the state ordered that the other three plates be returned.

"DINK has several derogatory meanings," Yvonne Bell, who sits on the Department of Motorvehicles panel that approves vanity plates, told the Daily Courier newspaper.

DMV spokesman David House and Bell said the word can be treated as a verb, which gives it a sexual reference, and also can be a racial slur targeted at the Vietnamese.

Udink is a Dutch name. Hope the Hardik family doesn't have vanity plates.

LOVE IS COLD

In a nutshell: These guys wanted to meet this girl. Thought she was cute. So they went to her grave is Wisconsin and tried to dig her up.

What they did -- what they wanted to do -- isn't a crime.

According to The Associated Press:

A judge was correct to dismiss the charges against twin brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke and Dustin Radke, all 21, because lawmakers never intended to criminalize sex with a corpse, the District 4 Court of Appeals said in a 3-0 ruling.

The three men went to a cemetery in Cassville in southwestern Wisconsin on Sept. 2 to remove the body of Laura Tennessen, 20, who had been killed the week before in a motorcycle crash.

The men used shovels to reach her grave. They abandoned their plan and were eventually arrested after a vehicle drove into the cemetery and reported suspicious behavior, authorities said.

They said the men had seen an obituary of Tennessen with her photo and wanted to dig up her body to have sexual intercourse. Such an act is known as necrophilia.

The men were charged with attempted third-degree sexual assault and misdemeanor attempted theft charges. But Grant County Circuit Judge George Curry dismissed the sexual assault charges in September, saying no Wisconsin law addressed necrophilia. Prosecutors appealed his ruling.

And lost, meaning Wisconsin legislators will soon pass a law outlawing sex with a corpse. Probably a good idea.

On the way to rob the grave, the three men stopped at a Wal-Mart to buy condoms. Make of this what you will.

TASTY WITH BUTTER

Three feet long. Ten pounds plus. A lobster worth wrestling.

The BBC reports:

Chris Hovard, from Wyke Regis, Dorset, was diving when the creature - weighing more than 10lbs - scuttled towards him near Weymouth jetty on Saturday.

The 51-year-old, who has been diving for 34 years, said he had never seen a crustacean "anywhere near this size".

The lobster, he named Lemmy after the lead singer of rock band Motorhead, is now at Weymouth's Sea Life Park.

Rescued from boiling water. Damn.

TAKE THAT, SHOJI TABUCHI

Going to (and in) Branson requires one thing: a pit stop at Shoji Tabuchi's bathroom. Not the one at his home (though we're sure it's nice) -- we're talking the cans at Tabuchi's theater. They're magnificent.

But a city in China may have created the most over-the-top bathroom in the world. CNN reports:

Officials in the southwestern Chinese city of Chongqing plan to ask Guinness World Records to have the free four-story public bathroom listed as the world's largest, state-run China Central Television reported Friday.

"We are spreading toilet culture. People can listen to gentle music and watch TV," said Lu Xiaoqing, an official with the Yangrenjie, or "Foreigners Street," tourist area where the bathroom is. "After they use the bathroom they will be very, very happy."

We're flush with factoids -- more than 1,000 toilets, more than 30,000 square feet. An Egyptian facade. Recorded music. Bet there's not a version of Tabuchi's "Flight of the Bumblebee" anywhere within earshot.

LOSING AN ARM AND A LEG

Figuratively and literally, in that order. Geoffrey MacMurdo and Anthony Giordano were roommates in New York in 2005. MacMurdo was injured in a car crash. Giordano told cops that he was MacMurdo's brother, and took possession of the injured man's wallet.

When he was done, MacMurdo was $22,000 in the hole. Now, Giordano faces judgment. The Associated Press reports:

Authorities said Giordano, 47, was already lying to his roommate at the time of the crash, telling MacMurdo he was a Sept. 11 victim and New York firefighter.

When MacMurdo was involved in the crash in June 2005 that eventually cost him his leg, Giordano claimed his belongings from officers, police said.

Giordano made more than $22,000 in charges on his roommate's credit cards and on new cards he took out in MacMurdo's name, police said. He used the cards at a strip club and to buy a 15-year-old Jeep, police said.

Jeep and a strip club. Stay classy, man.