FEDS: NO ZOMBIE VIRUS

A guy in New Jersey guts himself and throws his intestines at cops. And, of course, there's the dude in Miami who decided to snack on someone's face.

Of course it's not zombies — or we'd like to think so, except the government is now telling us it's not zombies. Which makes us wonder: zombies?

The Associated Press gets in on the action:

The Centers for Disease Control (used) the "apocalypse" as the teaser for its emergency preparedness blog. It worked, attracting younger people who might not otherwise have read the agency's guidance on planning evacuation routes and storing water and food. 

(Now) chatter had become so rampant that CDC spokesman David Daigle sent an email to the Huffington Post, answering questions about the possibility of the undead walking among us. 

"CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead," he wrote, adding: "(or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.)"

That's it. If the feds say there is no zombie virus, there is a zombie virus. We are so hosed. We're moving here.