THE SOUND OF ONE HAND

The Passion for Christ Movement has given us a great gift idea for Christmas 2009.

Order this shirt and wear it proudly. Give yourself a hand.

BETTIE PAGE, 85

Legendary pinup. Died Thursday night in Los Angeles, where she had been on life support since a Dec. 2 heart attack.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

"Bettie Page captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality," said Roesler, chairman of the Indianapolis-based CMG Worldwide, who was at Page's side when she died. "She was a dear friend and a special client and one of the most beautiful and influential women of the 20th century."

A religious woman in her later life, Page was mystified by her influence on modern popular culture. "I have no idea why I'm the only model who has had so much fame so long after quitting work," she said in an interview with The Times in 2006.

She had one request for that interview: that her face not be photographed.

"I want to be remembered," she said, "as I was when I was young and in my golden times. ... I want to be remembered as the woman who changed people's perspectives concerning nudity in its natural form."

The best way to be remembered.

FEAR AND LESBIAN LOATHING

The strokers at Fox News are consistent, give them that. They toe the conservative line and decry the baser parts of the world while filling your phiz with lurid images and stories about sex.

This week's big Fox News push: Why is America tolerating a song about lesbians?

We suspect they're hyping about "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry, a slip of a song with an insanely catchy chorus:

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight

Fox insinuates the song will make straight girls rush off and join the lesbian brigade -- further proof that today's world is debauched beyond belief.

Yep. Thank God the black-and-white days were only filled with songs about straight, missionary-position sex (done in the dark, of course, 'cause with the lights out, it's less dangerous). No one sang about disgusting things like masturbation, right? Just ask Leo Sayer:

Miles and miles of empty space in between us
The telephone can't take the place of your smile.
But you know I won't be travelling for ever.
It's cold out
But hold out
And do like I do.
When I need love
I hold out my hands
And I touch love. I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day.

So much love. No one could ever accuse Sayer of being modest. And let's not even get into Devo.

A FILM LIKE NO OTHER

The latest add to the CHATTER Wish List: Peter Greenaway's The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, the closest thing to an acid trip without gnawing on blotter paper. No tinny aftertaste, and Helen Mirren is sensual.

We remember seeing it during a trip to D.C. and wishing, in vain, for the film to hit Springfield. Time to track down a DVD and add it to the library.

DIVINE 69

A little soixante-neuf never hurt anyone, height differences notwithstanding. But slap the number 69 on a T-shirt and all hell breaks loose in Billerica, Mass.

A 14-year-old was suspended from middle school for wearing a shirt that said "SOPHOMORE 69." WCVB reports:

Christina Morrison, an eighth-grader at the Marshall Middle School, was sent to the office Tuesday when she arrived at school wearing the shirt. The assistant principal told Morrison and her stepfather that the shirt was "sexually explicit," and that she was being suspended for the day, the Lowell Sun reported.

The teen said she felt like crying because she only wore the shirt she'd recently purchased from a store called Urban Behavior because she liked it.

The school principal, Roland Boucher, said he wouldn't talk about the specific incident, but added that the school's dress code prohibits "any clothing that displays offensive language or images or suggests inappropriate or illegal behavior is not allowed in school."

The teen's mother, Kimberly Cifelli, wants an apology. Cifelli says she doesn't understand why the school says the shirt is sexually explicit. C'mon, Mom.

A FETISH TOO FAR

Rough sex gone wrong. After seeing that headline, who's not going to read more?

The skinny: Man loves woman. She loves him. They drink, heavily. They have rough sex. He asks her to "carve artwork" into his chest. She picks up a knife. Things go awry.

Thank God the Winnipeg Sun is around to provide details:

A court order has prohibited the young lovers from communicating with each other since the February 2007 incident. That order was lifted yesterday and the couple left court together, smiling. ...

Court heard the 25-year-old woman and 24-year-old man had known each other since grade school but had only become romantically involved four weeks prior to the accident.

The man was rushed to hospital in critical condition after suffering a stab wound to the left ventricle of his heart.

"Hospital staff thought he was going to die, he was very close to death," said Crown attorney Larry Allan, adding the man has fully recovered. ...

"He said they engaged in dangerous play, and due to her intoxication, was not precise with the knife and punctured his heart," Allan said.

The man told police the stabbing was an accident and that the two routinely cut and scratched each other with knives. The man showed police several wounds, including a heart-shaped scar on his back featuring the woman's initials.

McCammond said it was the victim who introduced the woman to "body modification" and asked her to carve another heart on his chest. The woman was complying when the man asked her to press harder, said [the woman's lawyer, John] McAmmond. ...

Judge Brian Corrin said the woman was "clearly remorseful and unlikely to be reinvolved."

Corrin ordered the woman to participate in alcohol counselling while on probation.

Nothing so sweet as young love.

SUPERNATURALLY SCREWED

Two women in Federal Way, Wash., say a ghost has raped them. Yes, we know.

As KOMO reports:

[T]he two women told officers a paranormal person has been placing sensors on their bodies and having intercourse with them at their apartment ...

One of the women said the assault began when she lived in Kent and followed them to Federal Way. The second woman said her encounters began recently.

The maintenance man in charge of the apartment complex said the women keep calling him saying the ghosts are raping them on weekend nights. He finally told them to call police.

And now he has the foundation for the world's best Penthouse Forum letter.

STROKING IN THE BOYS ROOM

Yes, indeed. And a whole lot more. Kids in Anderson, S.C. are doing the nasty in a middle-school restroom. WYFF reports:

Police said that the boy and girl, who are both 12 years old, admitted to having sex at McCants Middle School in Anderson between Feb. 25 and March 5.

Investigators said that both students had asked to go to the restroom on Friday, and when an unusually long time had passed, a teacher went to check on them and said they were found involved in a sex act in the boys' restroom.

Investigators said the students admitted to at least three sex acts committed while in the school building, including intercourse.

Both kids are suspended and could be expelled, giving them that much more time for intercourse.

HELLO, TEACHER

Another teacher allegedly having sex with a student, this time in Benton County, Ark. The Benton County Daily Record reports:

Melissa G. Monroe, 32 of Bella Vista, was arrested Tuesday for sexual assault in the second degree and knowingly furnishing alcohol to a minor.

Bentonville police began investigating after receiving information that Monroe had been involved in a sexual relationship with a male student, a police news release states.

Monroe teaches math at Bentonville High School. Here's her school profile. You make the call.

CLEAN FOR US, DIRTY FOR THEM

We first told you about CleanFlicks in July 2006, when a judge ruled the company could not scrub sex, language and violence from movies without the permission of the films' creators and owners.

Now CleanFlicks is back in the news, in a delightfully hypocritical way. As Christianity Today reports:

The co-founder of CleanFlicks, a video editing service once used by many Christians, has been arrested in Utah for allegedly paying a 14-year-old girl for sex.

Daniel Thompson, who ran CleanFlicks till the courts shut it down in 2006, had more recently operated Flix Club, a family-friendly edited-movie video business in Orem, Utah. He was arrested last Thursday on two charges of forcible sexual abuse and two charges of forcible sexual activity with a 14-year-old. Thompson is out on bail.

Thompson’s business partner at Flix Club, Isaac Lifferth, was also arrested on similar charges.

Thompson reportedly told police that Flix Club, which carried videos in which objectionable content had been edited out, was only a front, and that he and Lifferth were also involved in making and distributing porn movies.

Flix Club was forced to close last year after a federal court ruled that movie-editing businesses violated U.S. copyright law when they "sanitized" films by removing nudity, sex, profanity, and other objectionable content.

According to police reports, Thompson and Lifferth allegedly paid two 14-year-old girls $20 each to perform oral sex, and Lifferth allegedly had intercourse with a 16-year-old girl multiple times, including in the offices at Flix Club.

What happened at Flix Club did not stay at Flix Club.

SEX AND THE MARRIED CANDIDATE

On CNN, Wolf Blitzer wraps up the stumbling that passes for speech and introduces more "Ballot Bowl," a stupid and meaningless nickname for the cable network's political coverage on this Saturday. No one's dressed out for full-contact football or putting heat to hash, the only things that should happen in a bowl.

But wiser pinheads have thought this one out in retreats and meetings of the operating committee and top-dog managers. A bowl it is. Who are any of us to argue with the country's second-place cable news network? It isn't worth the effort to bitch. FOX News knows that lipstick-laden prompter monkeys are key to winning viewers and bad reviews. Screw the bowl nicknames. People would rather screw the FOX anchors, especially the ones with legs that would look comfortable around someone's neck ...

Read the rest at our other joint, Act Your Old Age.

STOPPING OFF FOR A COLD ONE

Donald Luis Cooper, 32, is an odd duck. He apparently likes to have sex with dead people. Now he's going to prison. According to the Daily Press in Victorville, Calif.:

In February 2003, Cooper, 32, and his girlfriend, Chaunee Marie Helm, 30, were working for All-County Transportation, driving bodies from Victor Valley Community Hospital to the county morgue in San Bernardino.

Security cameras in the morgue captured Cooper sexually assaulting the body of Robyn Gillett, an Adelanto girl who had died of the flu. Helm served as a lookout.

But Cooper was not charged with necrophilia because it wasn’t illegal at the time. He pleaded guilty to mutilating grave remains and received a suspended two-year prison sentence.

If he kept his nose clean for the five years of his probation, he wouldn’t have to serve any additional jail time beyond the time he spent waiting for trial.

But instead of keeping his nose clean, Cooper was caught in a house where small children lived. Seven kids, in all, most belonging to his current girlfriend. The house was filthy:

“There were animal feces and urine on the floor, in the children’s room, the living room,” said Code Enforcement Supervisor Tony Genovesi. “There were feces on the wall. The odor was terrible. ... Any time you have animals that are defecating inside the house and urinating inside the house, the odor’s pretty bad.”

Cooper's probation was revoked. Now he's headed back to jail for a year. Nice guy.

WANTED: STUDS

Heidi Fleiss is looking for a few good men to "service women." The former Hollywood Madam is setting up shop in Nevada.

According to Heidi's Stud Farm, here's what they need:

We will hire 20 men and 10 on stand-by. Lady customers will be charged $250.00 an hour that will be split 50-50 to the house. Men will be able to keep all tips. They will be charged a weekly rate for a housekeeper, room, board, and food. Weekly tests for STDS and HIV are mandatory. Employees will register for a work card with the sheriff's department.

A hundred-twenty-five an hour, plus tips. Gentlemen, start your whatevers.

BRITNEY GOES COMMANDO, AGAIN

In case you're one of the 16 people in the world who has not seen Britney Spears' nether regions, here you go. Egotastic has the pics of Britney's latest commando raid. Not safe for work, obviously, but it's nice to know her Epilady is getting a workout.

LOVING, TOUCHING, SQUEEZING

Nine months after the ice storm, a not-unexpected side effect begins to emerge.

Babies. Lots of babies.

The story on KSPR features Cheri Meyer, a woman so brave, she allowed her huge-with-twins belly to be videotaped for television.

We don't intend to use this space to promote the workside of life, but this one's worth sharing.

FEDERAL PROSECUTOR BUSTED IN KID-SEX STING

Child molesters are not beloved behind prison walls. Neither are prisoners who once worked for The Man.

By those standards, John David R. Atchison is in for a bleak future.

Atchison, an assistant U.S. Attorney in Florida's northern district, is under arrest, charged with flying from Pensacola, Fla., to Detroit to have sex with a 5-year-old girl.

According to the Detroit News:

A sheriff's deputy posed as a mother who was interested in finding someone to have sex with her children, in a sting that has already netted a California paramedic and numerous other alleged pedophiles from around the country.

According to the complaint, Atchison reassured the sheriff's deputy who was posing as the child's mother that he would not hurt the 5-year-old because he goes "slow and easy," and "I've done it plenty."

Atchison is 53.

AN OBSCENITY OF ITS OWN

A grand jury in Wyandotte County, Kan., has indicted three Kansas City-area businesses on obscenity charges. The adult-entertainment industry says Philip Cosby is to blame.

According to AVN:

Cosby heads the Kansas City chapter of the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families (NCPCF). Earlier this year, he organized a petition drive calling for grand jury investigations of 32 adult businesses in Kansas and Missouri for promotion of obscenity. Enlisting the help of church leaders and community activists, Cosby's group delivered the petitions to six county courthouses in May.

Guys like Cosby are the scariest culture warriors.

SENATOR COPS PLEA IN MEN'S ROOM CASE

Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) had pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct, after being busted in the men's room of the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Cops say he was trolling for sex.

Roll Call reports:

After he was arrested, Craig, who is married, was taken to the Airport Police Operations Center to be interviewed about the lewd conduct incident, according to the police report. At one point during the interview, Craig handed the plainclothes sergeant who arrested him a business card that identified him as a U.S. Senator and said, “What do you think about that?” the report states.

Last year, Craig denied a blog report that claimed he's gay. Monday, Craig's web site offers this lukewarm defense:

"At the time of this incident, I complained to the police that they were misconstruing my actions. I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct.

"I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously."

Craig has been a senator since 1991.

Who cares if he's gay? No one should. But Craig supports the Federal Marriage Amendment, and voted against a bill that would have included sexual orientation in the federal definition of hate crimes.

MSU THEATER SUIT HEATS UP

Randy at The Turner Report has a story that's quite the talker -- specifically, allegations that the theater department at Missouri State University is, as Turner puts it, "the Peyton Place of the Midwest."

A graf of scandal:

In motions filed Tuesday in U. S. District Court for the Western District of Missouri, Jay Raphael, former head of the university's Department of Theatre and Dance, and Rhythm McCarthy, a professional dancer and a teacher in the department, are asking the court not to allow fired theater instructor George Cron to introduce any evidence that Raphael and Ms. McCarthy had a romantic relationship or that Ms. McCarthy had a romantic relationship with Cron.

Cron didn't get tenure at MSU; he claims he was kicked to the curb after he refused McCarthy's alleged advances.

THERE GOES HIS CAREER

Kenneth Ray Burton is a "career flasher." Or so say prosecutors, and a judge in Redwood City, Calif., agrees.

Burton, 52, was sentenced to 13 years, four months in prison for showing off his dangly bits to a woman on a train.

The Associated Press reports:

Police arrested Burton last year after he allegedly began masturbating in front of a woman on a Bay Area Rapid Transit train.

Prosecutors sought the lengthy prison sentence because Burton already had two prior convictions for indecent exposure and a previous conviction on six counts related to sexual assault, San Mateo County Chief Deputy District Attorney Steve Wagstaffe said. ...

"Our concern was, 'Are we being too lenient? Are we adequately protecting the public?'" Wagstaffe said. "We have a person here who has done this for many, many years. And with all likelihood, he will be doing it again."

The reaction from his fellow inmates should be interesting.