SPRINGFIELD ANNOUNCES 'FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS'

Mark the calendar, Sharpie the kids, whatever you do to 'member an important appointment. The Center City “Festival of Lights” dilly starts Friday, Nov. 18.

A complete list of events for the next six weeks can be found by clicking here. A few highlights:

•A 40-foot Norwegian Pine, donated by Norma Meyer for Park Central Square.

•Miss Merrie Christmas Pageant, 7:30 p.m. Nov. 18 at Central High School Auditorium. Maybe there we'll learn why it's spelled "Merrie."

•Hizzoner lights a big-ass Christmas Tree at 5:30 p.m. Nov. 19 at Jordan Valley Park East Plaza. Then you get a free ice show, free ice skating, maybe even an impromptu exhibition by Tom Carlson, 'cause we hear he's a skating fiend.

JUST THE BLACK-AND-WHITE FACTS

If there is justice in the universe, Rick Reilly, the nation's best sports columnist, will provoke a much-needed conversation about race in America.

Reilly's latest column in Sports Illustrated discusses the smackdown of Air Force football coach Fisher DeBerry, forced to apologize after he remarked on the TCU squad that beat his team: "[TCU] had a lot more Afro-American players than we did, and they ran faster than we did ... It's very obvious to me they run extremely well."

Racially hypersensitive white America demanded, and got, DeBerry's apology. Reilly thinks that's ridiculous, and he's right. As the columnist notes:

In football, if you're looking for speed, 99.9% of the time you'll find it in a black athlete. All but one of the last 100 wide receivers taken in the first round of the NFL draft were black. Of the last 50 All-Pro cornerbacks, only one was white. Only 48 men have broken 10 seconds in the 100-meter dash, and they're all black. You think that's a coincidence?

I have no clue why this is true. I just know it is true. Running fast is not the only thing these athletes are good at. Not by a million miles. But it is one thing.

As Reilly notes, wryly:

If I were DeBerry's boss, I'd have screamed at him, too. "You've been coaching here 22 years and you're just now realizing black guys run fast? No wonder we suck!!!"

Why is it verboten to note the fact that black athletes are faster than white athletes? Some guilt-tripped whites think anyone who even mentions race is "racist." Sadly, most of them are liberal.

DOVER DAMNED BY PAT ROBERTSON

Voters in Dover, Pa., rejected the old, pro-creationism school board and replaced it with a shiny new panel full of people who subscribe to the theory of evolution.

That was Tuesday.

On Thursday, alleged evangelist Pat Robertson doomed the Pennsylvania city to Hell for voting out the creationists. From WGAL:

Robertson made the comment after Lee Webb of CBN News delivered a report on how residents in Dover voted in eight new Democratic board members, replacing all eight current members who had voted for a policy that required students in ninth-grade biology classes to hear a statement on intelligent design before hearing lessons on evolution. Webb then asked Robertson what he thought about the vote.

Here was Robertson's response.

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there."

We're surprised Robertson didn't include Pennsylvania's early rejection of Sen. Rick Santorum. Regardless, Pat has spoken. The state is damned.

A MESSAGE FROM JAMES KEOWN'S SISTER

The radio talker accused of poisoning his wife had a personal blog, but it's bitten the Blogger dust.

Keown's sister, Shawna, posted a note to CHATTER to direct people to her new blog:

This is James Keown's sister and I wanted everyone to go to my blog to tell me what they think about this since his site is down. There is no way in hell he would ever do that to anyone! Here is my site: http://shawnaek.blogspot.com/

Click here to get to Shawna Keown's blog. There's not much there yet, but as her brother's case moves through the system, that's likely to change.

As mentioned in an earlier post, we're not sure James Keown is good for the charge. Funny, but we really believe in that innocent-until-proven-guilty thing. And the case against Keown sounds weak.

THE WRECK OF THE EDMUND FITZGERALD

Gordon Lightfoot's epic -- all 6:32 of it -- came out in 1976, and we suffered through it for many months that year. The ballad had 56 lines and seven verses and sounded treacly and old-fool to every hip teen.

It wasn't until we grew up that we learned the Edmund Fitzgerald wasn't an old tragedy being revisited by Lightfoot. It was fresh, hard news, distilled into an emotional essence by Lightfoot.

The Edmund Fitzgerald sank, killing all 29 men aboard, on Nov. 10, 1975. Thirty years ago Thursday.

The Star-Tribune's story of the anniversary is a great read, with a lede to remember:

Having lived all of his life on the shores of Lake Superior, Bruce Kalmon knows how cruel November can be.

How the sky deadens to a relentless gray. How cold winds bring storms that summon waves the size of semis. How those waves crash onto the rocks and explode in spectacular showers of spray.

And how a certain haunting song comes back again, as if carried on the wind, and cuts straight to his heart.

Kalmon says he can only hope he's alone when "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" is played on the radio, as it frequently is around the Great Lakes this time of year. He likes the Gordon Lightfoot ballad, but it can get to him, especially "that line about the old cook."

His father, Allen Kalmon, was second cook on the Fitzgerald when the freighter sank with all 29 of its crewmen 30 years ago today. Allen Kalmon was 43. His son was 11 and at home in Washburn, Wis., with his mother and four sisters that night.

He and a sister were waiting for Johnny Carson's monologue when the Duluth TV station they were watching broadcast a bulletin with the unbelievable news that their father's vessel was missing.

"My first thought was, 'How could that huge boat be missing?' " Kalmon, now 41, said last week at his home in Ashland, on the lake's south shore. "I told myself that at least dad is a good swimmer."

He prayed in bed while his mother stayed up making urgent phone calls. In the morning, she came to his bedside and gently asked if he knew what the missing-ship report meant.

"It means that dad's dead," he remembers replying.

You can learn much more about the Edmund Fitzgerald -- the pride of the American side -- by clicking here.

CITY AUDIT IN SPRINGFIELD?

Tuesday's defeat of a law tax in Greene County has emboldened naysayers seeking a state audit of the City of Springfield.

Thursday's News-Leader identifies longtime gadfly Doug Burlison as the ringleader of a confederacy that includes environmentalists, members of the police officers union and Libertarians. Unmentioned in the story was the push being given by KSGF, the right-wing talk station in Springfield.

The city contracts for annual audits, but has never been subjected to a state audit. Supporters of such a move need to gather 5,000 signatures (there is no deadline). Taxpayers would foot the bill, estimated to be at least $60,000.

What's the beef? The story cites Burlison as saying:

Concerns include Jordan Valley Park renovations, wireless Internet access downtown and pensions for city employees, Burlison said.

Oh, yeah, that wireless access in the heart of the city is a terrible waste of taxpayer money. Ditto for Jordan Valley Park. Perhaps the Gang of Gadflies would like to grumble about new sidewalks and street lights, too?

Absent any evidence of illegalities committed by city officials, we don't see the need for a state audit of the city. We also don't see any way it won't happen, given the threshold required by law. That's a shame, and a waste of $60,000.

INSIDE VOICE, PLEASE

Dan McCauley is getting grief these days -- because he won't kowtow to spoiled brats and their parents.

McCauley's bakery, A Taste of Heaven, is on Chicago's North Side -- or, as the New York Times describes it:

... once an outpost of avant-garde artists and hip gay couples but now a hot real estate market for young professional families shunning the suburbs.

Nice place to open a bakery, eh?

Not really.

McCauley put up a sign saying kids "have to behave and use their indoor voices when coming to A Taste of Heaven." That's when things hit the fan. From the Times:

After a dozen years at one site, Mr. McCauley moved A Taste of Heaven six blocks away in May 2004, to a busy corner on Clark Street. But there, he said, teachers and writers seeking afternoon refuge were drowned out not just by children running amok but also by oblivious cellphone chatterers.

Children were climbing the cafe's poles. A couple were blithely reading the newspaper while their daughter lay on the floor blocking the line for coffee. When the family whose children were running across the room to throw themselves against the display cases left after his admonishment, Mr. McCauley recalled, the restaurant erupted in applause.

So he put up the sign. Then things really got ugly.

"The looks I would get when I went in there made me so nervous that I would try to buy the food as fast as I could and get out," said Laura Brauer, 40, who has stopped visiting A Taste of Heaven with her two children. "I think that the mothers who allow their kids to run around and scream, that's wrong, but kids scream and there is nothing you can do about it. What are we supposed to do, not enjoy ourselves at a cafe?"

Yes, that's precisely what you're supposed to do if you're such a weak parent that you say there's "nothing you can do about" your own children screaming inside a business. You're the parent. The kids are not in charge.

FREAKIEST TONY BLAIR PHOTO -- EVER

The future former prime minister lost a big vote on Wednesday, as MPs shot down an anti-terror measure that Blair said he needed to keep Britain safe.

The Scotsman's front page for Thursday is remarkable for its tight shot of Blair -- and the curious, almost creepy W-shaped mark on his forehead. Check it out.

BARACK OBAMA JUMPS THE SHARK

The junior senator from Illinois is the darling of Democrats across the United States. We liked him, too, until we came across this TV Week story. Anxious to burnish his credentials for a presidential run in the next decade, Obama on Wednesday chose to pull a Tipper Gore and threatened the media with congressional action if broadcasters don't clean up their acts.

From the story:

"The amount of questionable content spilling across our screens is growing by the year," Sen. Obama said at a press conference to release a new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation that says the number of sex scenes on TV has been increasing dramatically over the past several years.

"Once again, we find ourselves asking those in charge to serve the needs of a nation that has a higher calling than simply peddling indecency and materialism for profit," the senator said.

The study, which examined a representative example of broadcast and cable TV network shows, said that 70 percent of programs included some sexual content this year (with an average of five sex scenes per hour), while only 56 percent did so in 1998 (with 3.2 sex scenes per hour). Among shows that had sexual content, the study said, 14 percent this year included a reference to sexual risks or responsibilities, up from 9 percent in 1998.

But Sen. Obama said he is particularly concerned about the impact television is having on the ability of parents to instill positive values in their children. "Raising your children this way has become exceedingly difficult in a mass media culture that saturates our airwaves with a steady stream of sex, violence and materialism," he said.

Such a disappointment. If Obama finds it "exceedingly difficult" to raise children because airwaves are saturated with "sex, violence and materialism," then he should turn off the television. Encourage the kids to read more books. Teach them personal responsibility -- a favorite Obama talking point.

But threats of congressional action? Please.

MOON CITY MARMOT

Amy, our blogging buddy better known as the Snarling Marmot, is moving to Springfield at year's end. In anticipation of what may be the cultural event of 2005, she's started another blog, Moon City Move. As Amy notes:

Fun stories about the hell of moving and FRIGHTENING pictures of me as a small child, how can you not look?

Indeed. Give some click-lovin' right here to be transported to Moon City Move. We're digging the fireplace.

IN GERMANY, TALK OF 'COLLECTION CAMPS'

Well, thank God they don't want to call them "concentration camps." Didn't work too well last time.

The kids at Free Republic -- land of radical Republicans -- are having quite the debate over a story from Germany that claims:

A far-right party in Germany said Wednesday that foreigners living in the country should be put into "collection camps" and then expelled if French-style violence breaks out.

The National Democratic Party of Germany (NPD), which last year won 9.2 per cent of the vote in Saxony state and has 12 seats in the regional parliament, called for laws aimed at reducing the population of resident foreigners.

Germany has about 7.3 million foreigners who comprise some 9 per cent of the total population.

"If riots are organised like in France then collection camps and vigilantes must be organised in time to protect life and property," said the NPD.

The Freeper thread reveals quite a few "Islam is the problem" comments (we keep waiting for the "I Slam, You Slam, We All Slam for Islam" comment to pop up).

Infuriating, eye-opening reading. Worth your time.

JUDITH MILLER 'RETIRES' FROM THE TIMES

The lightning rod's days at the New York Times are all in the past. The Houston Chronicle reports:

Judith Miller, the New York Times reporter who was first lionized, then vilified by her own newspaper for her role in the CIA leak case, has retired from the Times, the paper announced today.

Miller, who joined the Times in 1977 and was part of a team that won a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for reporting on global terrorism, had been negotiating with the paper for several weeks about her future. She is 57.

She spent 85 days in jail over the summer for refusing to testify about her conversations with a confidential source. But after her release, Miller was criticized harshly and publicly by Times editors and writers for her actions in the CIA leak case and for her reporting during the run-up to the Iraq war, later discredited, indicating that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction.

Miller did not immediately respond to an e-mail or answer her telephone.

"We are grateful to Judy for her significant personal sacrifice to defend an important journalistic principle," said Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr. said in a statement. "I respect her decision to retire from The Times and wish her well."

"Retired" is a much nicer word than "kicked to the curb," don't you think?

BOY JUST WANTS TO BOWL

Is Paul Rofus an agitator, someone who just wants to stir it up? Or is the high school student from Schaumburg, Ill., really serious about his quest to join the girls bowling team?

WLS-TV in Chicago has the story:

Officials at Schaumburg High School have told the senior he cannot be on the team because of Illinois High School Association rules. The school does not have a boys bowling team. The student's parents say they are ready to file a lawsuit.

Rofus, a senior at Schaumburg High School, knew he risked being suspended if he attempted to show up at the bowling tryouts Tuesday for the female bowling team at Hoffman Lanes. He says although he was warned by the school's athletic director that he would be suspended, he decided to proceed with his fight.

"He also said if I show up at the bowling alley again like I did the other day or anybody approaches him or look at him the wrong way, he will suspend me," said Rofus.

The high school claims they are following policy of the Illinois High School Association. In a release the school states, like most school districts, High School District 211 administers its interscholastic sports programs with the IHSA guidelines for post-season competition in which member schools are not permitted to enter a boy in an IHSA girls state tournament series.

"Participation opportunities for girls do not match participation opportunities for boys. Boys cannot participate on girls' team, although girls, if an opportunity is not provided, can participate on boys' teams."

Without a boys bowling team, what's Rofus supposed to do? Let the boy bowl. We will refrain from all jokes about gutters and balls.

KEOWN'S BOSS KNEW OF MURDER PROBE

James Keown, the KLIK radio talker arrested Monday for poisoning his wife, was known by everyone in Jefferson City as a gregarious guy. Reporters who knew Keown said they completely surprised by his arrest.

(Previous Keown threads are here and here.)

But at least one person in mid-Missouri had a heads-up about the Keown probe back in Massachusetts. KOMU-TV in Columbia reports:

Keown's boss Brian Wilson was one of the few people who knew about the investigation.

Wilson says Keown called him in March to warn him that the FBI was in town asking questions and they might need to speak to KLIK employees.

Wilson told KOMU that he hadn't heard anything else since March, so Monday's arrest at the KLIK studio "stunned" him.

Hole(s) in the story: Did police interview KLIK employees? What did Wilson tell his boss(es) at Cumulus Media? Most of all, did anyone working at a self-proclaimed "news talk" radio station ever pick up a phone and call Massachusetts authorities to, you know, check on any news involving James Keown?

Keown has an attorney in Boston. The Associated Press reports that Keown hired Adam A. Kretowicz "shortly after" Julie Keown's death in September 2004.

The Boston Herald reports that the Keowns moved from Missouri to Massachusetts to get away from pesky Missouri relatives who wanted to know when the Keowns were going to have kids.

You know, we're not sure the guy did it. Unless the authorities have a Gatorade bottle with traces of antifreeze in it -- and James Keown's fingerprints on the bottle, and a receipt proving he purchased antifreeze -- the case against him, as outlined in media reports and a prosecutor's news conference, seems mediocre at best.

AFTER THE ELECTION, THE BLAME

In Dover, Penn., all eight members of the school board were swept out of office. The old board supported the introduction of "intelligent design" into science class. The replacements did not. Warmed-over creationism does not fly at the ballot box.

In California, Gov, Arnold Schwarzenegger tried to mess with teacher tenure and political activity by unions. He got his head handed to him. Or, to quote Linda Hamilton, "You're terminated, motherf--ker."

But the nazel-gazing isn't as easy in Greene County, Mo., where a quarter-cent sales tax flamed out. We still hold to our Tuesday night instant assessment -- linking a law tax with childhood development programs was a bad idea -- but we're fascinated by the Wednesday morning fingerpointing.

Darrell Moore, the Greene County prosecutor (and a Republican) blamed talk radio and its "negative" braying for the defeat. Moore told KSMU:

"I am angry at some of the people on the radio talk shows who ... feed this idea that this proposal was government trying to raise children. [That] offends me.

"For people to say it was the government trying to raise children is a lie, and it's outrageous."

Oddly, Moore does not give the newspaper any credit for vigorously supporting the tax.

One more thing about the right-wing zing. If Darrell Moore and other elected officials are serious about condemning the influence of KSGF, then they should quit patronizing the station. They should refuse all future requests to guest on KSGF's morning show. If Moore & Co. believe the talk-radio monster contributed to the CSI tax defeat, then quit feeding the monster. Ignore it and let it starve.

Other city and county officials, meanwhile, are moaning about the defeat and predicting dire consequences. A new crime lab might -- horrors! -- be located in Joplin. City police won't get an automated records system. But then there's Roseann Bentley, a county commissioner, minimizing the tax defeat in Wednesday's News-Leader:

Bentley, who also chairs the Mayor's Commission for Children, said early childhood education efforts won't be deterred by the tax proposal's failure.

"We obviously won't have an early childhood resource center, but we'll continue to work on school readiness and bringing awareness to this topic," said Bentley.

Maybe next time, city and county leaders will keep in mind that successful politics is about what's possible.

NO 'CSI' FOR GREENE COUNTY

The Community Safety Initiative went down in flames Tuesday, 59-41. The quarter-cent sales tax "would have generated about $10 million a year for law enforcement need and early childhood education programs aimed at crime prevention," according to the News-Leader.

Social conservatives decried the linkage of a cop tax with "raise-a-village" programs. Their criticism doomed the measure. It certainly wasn't an anti-tax mood; pocketbook issues passed muster in Taney and Webster counties.

We can tell you that city and county officials did not see this defeat coming. They failed to follow the first rule of politics: keep it simple. Had they gone for a law-enforcement-only tax, it would have passed. Springfield sorely needs a better animal-control department. That issue would have met with voter approval, too.

Earmarking $2.775 million for "a plan to help families connect with classes, services or activities to give their young children the healthiest start" was not smart politics. Outstanding public policy, yes, but outrageously dumb politics.

KANSAS SAYS 'NO' TO SCIENCE

Flummoxed by the complexity of science? Just repeat this mantra: Goddidit.

Good enough for the Kansas Board of Education. Good enough for kids in that state.

The New York Times reports:

The fiercely split Kansas Board of Education voted 6 to 4 on Tuesday to adopt new science standards that are the most far-reaching in the nation in requiring that Darwin's theory of evolution be challenged in the classroom.

The standards press beyond the broad mandate for critical analysis of evolution that four other states have established in recent years, by recommending that schools teach specific points that doubters of evolution use to undermine its primacy in science education.

Among the most controversial changes was a redefinition of science itself, so that it would not be explicitly limited to natural explanations.

The supernatural shares space with the Theory of Evolution. Great. Just great.

Read the complete set of standards for science education in Kansas, in somewhat-handy .pdf form. It's just a click away.

NEVER BOWL WITH JAMES PATRICK ROUGHAN

Mr. Roughan lives in Australia. He also has a very short temper. Throw some booze in the mix and ... well, let the Advertiser tell you all about it:

A man who allegedly decapitated a 17-year-old boy with a tomahawk in a suburban back yard later was said to have played with the teenager's head, rolling it in a paddock as if it were a bowling ball.

A chilling videotape showing police interviewing one of two men charged with the murder of transient teen Morgan Jay Shepherd was played in Brisbane Magistrates Court yesterday.

Christopher Clark Jones, 22, told detectives in the interview recorded in April that his co-accused, James Patrick Roughan, 25, stomped on Shepherd's head several times before stabbing him with a kitchen knife, then decapitating him. Mr Jones and Mr Roughan are facing a committal hearing on charges they murdered Shepherd and interfered with his corpse.

Mr Jones, who repeatedly broke down and cried during the interview, told detectives the three were "mates" and were drinking at a table in the back yard of Mr Roughan's home in the Brisbane bayside suburb of Sandgate at dusk on March 29.

"We'd all had quite a bit to drink," he said.

Well, of course. Bowling's no fun unless you're drinking.

ANDERSON COOPER BLOWS HIS DEBUT

Griese Gal knows CHATTER's deep and abiding dislike for Anderson Cooper, the CNN anchor masquerading as a newsman. And God bless her, Griese Gal made sure we heard that Cooper's Monday night bow as solo anchor went smashingly bad.

Ratings show Cooper had 631,000 viewers on Monday. Larry King handed him 1,079,000 viewers, and Cooper pissed away more than 400,000 of them. Nice going, AC. Glad you're the anchorman of the future. Glad you're so well known that "Saturday Night Live" satirizes you. Glad you got your ass handed to you on Monday.

JAMES KEOWN UPDATE

The radio talker, arrested Monday after being indicted for killing his wife, waived extradition from Missouri to Massachusetts.

A thread about the arrest of Keown (pronounced "COW-an") continues to draw responses on the Missouri Radio forum, and includes this blow-by-blow of how the arrest went down at the KLIK studio:

James was in a break at the top of the 10 am hour when the investigators came in and cuffed him. Those there say it was just coincidence he was in a break ... because they would have taken him with the mic on if they had gotten there at any other time. On his way out the door, he passed the newsroom and hollered in to Dean Morgan, "Hey Dean, can you cover for me?"... and that was it. Apparently Dean was understandably flustered for a while before he got things up and cruising.

Understandably flustered, sure.

MAN HAS STICKY BUNS

Bob Dougherty is in the news because of something he said happened two years ago at a Home Depot in Louisville, Colo. Dougherty claims someone put glue on a toilet seat. End result: a bond that, when broken, liberated Dougherty from some skin. Dougherty is now suing Home Depot for $3 million.

Tuesday brought doubts about Dougherty. The Rocky Mountain News reports:

The Boulder County man who claims his rear end was glued to a toilet seat in Home Depot in 2003 today vehemently denied allegations he made a similar report about a toilet seat in a Nederland town visitors' center last year.

In a statement issued today by his lawyer, Bob Dougherty also said he’d be willing to consent to a polygraph test if a news organization organized and paid for it.

His lawyer, Mark Cohen, could not be reached for comment.

On Monday, Ron Trzepacz, Nederland's former director of operations, said from his New York home that Dougherty came to him in the summer of 2004 to complain that his behind had been glued to a toilet seat.

In the 2004 incident, Dougherty, 57, said he was able to pull himself from the seat in the visitors center bathroom, Trzepacz told the Rocky Mountain News.

His verbal complaint made it no further than Trzepacz, who said he personally inspected the bathroom and found no adhesive residue and "no indication that anything had been on the toilet seat."

No police report was ever filed and no medical professionals were called to the site, said Trzepacz, who worked for the town for 13 years.

We wondered how the nefarious bandit kept his ass-glue from drying before a victim plopped down on the toilet seat. Now we might have an answer.

ONE DEAD IN TENNESSEE SCHOOL SHOOTING

From WATE, the ABC affiliate in Knoxville, the story out of Jacksboro:

An assistant principal is dead and two other administrators wounded following a shooting at Campbell County High School this afternoon.

A male student walked into the school cafeteria around 2 p.m. hiding a hand gun under a napkin, then open fired on the three men.

Assistant principal Ken Bruce was killed. Principal Gary Seale was wounded but managed to tackle the student and taken into custody.

Another assistant principal, Jim Pierce, as shot in the chest.

According to Gail Parks, the administrative assistant for the director of schools, no students have been hurt in the incident.

Two Lifestar helicopters transported the injured administrators to UT Medical Center.

Immediately after the shooting, the school was put into lock down, meaning parents and others were not allowed to enter or leave the building. At normal dismissal time the students are being escorted out to the waiting buses or to the custody of their parents.

Gary Seale likely saved several lives Tuesday afternoon.

DRUNKEN MOOSE FREAK OUT OLD PEOPLE

Dateline Sweden, birthplace of a syndrome and a babe princess -- and now home to marauding drunken moose.

The Associated Press reports:

Residents of an elderly home in southern Sweden had to deal with a pair of intoxicated moose. The moose — a cow and her calf — had become drunk over the weekend by eating fermented apples they found outside the home in Sibbhult, southern Sweden, said Anna Karlsson, who works there.

Police managed to scare them off once, but the large mammals returned to get more of the tempting fruits. This time the moose were drunk and aggressive, forcing police to send for a hunter with a dog to make them leave.

Police did not pursue the culprits, but made sure all apples were picked up from the area, local police chief Bengt Hallberg said. No one was hurt.

The water buffaloes can't be far behind, and you don't want to see those animals drunk.

MATCH MADE IN HELL

According to this report, NBC's Campbell Brown is getting married to Dan Senor, former tool for the Coalition Provisional Authority.

Much happiness to the couple. What the hell is she thinking?

ANDERSON COOPER'S SMELL

The new, zippy "Anderson Cooper 360" debuted Monday night on CNN as the 9 p.m. Central time replacement for "NewsNight," the much better Aaron Brown show.

They're shooting Cooper in much tighter fashion now, his earnest face filling the screen as he yaks in a nasal voice. Cooper pledged from the top to do no shouting, and to "inform" viewers. Good to see he's got those two basics down.

Cooper also said something about the "new-car smell" of his show. We placed nostrils close to the screen and felt the tickle of static electricity; no smell of factory leather. There was, however, a faint whiff of putrefaction, most likely coming from CNN's storage room, where the network now keeps the remains of its dignity.