TAKE THIS, ALL OF YOU, AND EAT FROM IT

Addie brought cupcakes from the Cake Pop Company, so all is good with the world. First day back at the Paragraph Factory and people have been nice. Terra brought roses and clematis from her garden. Even got a hug from Joel, the Man Known As Gridiron. What have I done to deserve this?

HOLA, DORITO

The TV news producer known as Dori is in Springfield this day, and having been lucky enough to work with her once, we welcome her too-seldom visit with open arms. Plus, it's a chance to eat tacos and pimp the KSPR St. Jude Dream Home. How lucky can a girl get?

A FILM LIKE NO OTHER

The latest add to the CHATTER Wish List: Peter Greenaway's The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, the closest thing to an acid trip without gnawing on blotter paper. No tinny aftertaste, and Helen Mirren is sensual.

We remember seeing it during a trip to D.C. and wishing, in vain, for the film to hit Springfield. Time to track down a DVD and add it to the library.

A HONEY OF A HOUSEGUEST

Dateline: Concord, N.H.

Skinny: Homeowner sees sticky stuff on walls, dips a finger, takes a taste. It's honey. In the walls, bees crawled.

WYFF reports:

Mark Jones’ 100-year-old house has more than 60,000 [bees].

Jones and his wife, Amychelle, said they can sum it up in one word: insanity. On Sunday, they found a way to deal with the bees.

Beekeepers removed 60,000 bees from the Joneses' home Sunday morning, leaving about 1,000 still buzzing inside.

No queen, so no lingering infestation. Four bees stung the beekeepers. All good, and the house remains tasty.

FEAR AND CLOTHING

Michelle Malkin, the blogger, has gotten her way. Dunkin' Donuts is now safe from terrorism, Rachael Ray is a left-wing apologist, and anyone wearing a black-and-white silk scarf is Against Us.

Dunkin' Donuts ran an ad featuring Ray wearing a scarf with a paisley design, "selected by her stylist for the advertising shoot," according to DD (mmm, double-Ds).

Malkin started ranting and said the scarf looked like a keffiyeh: "The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad ... the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons."

According to the Boston Globe:

[Dunkin' Donuts] at first pooh-poohed the complaints, claiming the black-and-white wrap was not a keffiyeh. But the right-wing drumbeat on the blogosphere continued and by yesterday, Dunkin’ Donuts decided it’d be easier just to yank the ad.

Said the suits in a statement: "In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. ... Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial."

Dunkin' Donuts caves, Malkin crows, idiocy reigns. Soon the clock will strike 13.

MOMS BRAWL AT CHUCK E. CHEESE

As the Boston Herald reports:

The fight allegedly broke out at the Natick pizza-and-play eatery during a child’s birthday party, police said.

Natick police said the mom of the 9-year-old birthday boy apparently became enraged because the other woman’s son was "hogging" an arcade game Saturday night.

Sgt. Paul Thompson said 38-year-old Catherine Aliaga and 33-year-old Tarsha Williams, both of Boston, would be summoned into court to answer charges of simple assault and battery stemming from the scuffle. ...

A [Chuck E. Cheese] spokesman tells the Herald the two moms "exchanged words" Saturday night at 6:45 while two children were playing an arcade game and then "punches were thrown."

Can't wait to see how those kids turn out.

SEEDS FOR THE APOCALYPSE

Longyearbyen, Norway. It's a village on the Svalbard archipelago, close to the Arctic Circle. Go there when the balloon goes up.

Seeds from more than 200,000 crops are on their way to an underground vault in Longyearbyen, where they will, in theory, be safe for post-doomsday stragglers to use as they rebuild.

According to last year's news release about the project:

Svalbard’s airport is the northernmost point in the world to be serviced by scheduled flights – usually one a day. For nearly four months a year the islands are wrapped in total darkness.

The site was chosen, in part, because the ground is perpetually frozen, providing natural back-up refrigeration that would preserve the seeds should electricity fail. Yet, even here, project architects had to consider how to offset the potential impacts of climate change.

The design will accommodate even worst-case scenarios of global warming in two main ways. For one, the vault will be located high above any possible rise in sea level caused by global warming. The vault will be located some 130 meters (426 feet) above current sea level, ensuring that it will not be flooded.

Four months of darkness, sure, but also four months of the midnight sun, and this part of the Arctic Circle is enchanting.

BRING ON THE SPAMMY WHAMMIES

Before you knock Spam noshables, consider the badness that must be a snack made of White Castle bombers. Then consider that there's a contest to pick a winner of said snack.

The Associated Press reports:

Leslye Louis of New Melle, Mo., named her creation "The Latkes You Crave," after White Castle's slogan "What you crave." She made the Jewish pancakes with the usual ingredients, including grated potatoes and eggs, and also incorporated 10 chopped-up White Castle "slyders" — minus the pickles.

As part of her prize, Louis will receive a case of 30 of the burgers each week for a year.

As Producer Dori moaned: That's four a day. With two left over for midnight snacks. Happy Hanukkah, and pass the latkes.

SUNDAY GRAFS

•Guilty eyeball pleasure No. 1: This Vanity Fair article about Lou Pearlman, the man who made 'NSync and Backstreet Boys into household names. VF has sources claiming Pearlman enjoyed more than music from pretty boys:

Some, especially the teenagers, shrugged and giggled when he showed them pornographic movies or jumped naked onto their beds in the morning to wrestle and play. Others, it appears, didn't get off so easily. These were the young singers seen emerging from his bedroom late at night, buttoning their pants, sheepish looks on their faces. Some deny anything improper ever happened. But the parents of at least one, a member of the Backstreet Boys, complained. And for any number of young men who sought to join the world's greatest boy bands, Big Poppa's attentions were an open secret, the price some paid for fame.

"Some guys joked about it; I remember [one singer] asking me, 'Have you let Lou blow you yet?'" says Steve Mooney, an aspiring singer who served as Pearlman's assistant and lived in his home for two years. "I would absolutely say the guy was a sexual predator. All the talent knew what Lou's game was. If they say no, they're lying to you."

Pearlman's denying the whole thing, of course, but he's also awaiting trial for allegedly milking investors out of $300 million in a Ponzi scheme.

•Guilty eyeball pleasure No. 2: Tony Messenger's Sunday column in the News-Leader. It's about the hilarity that ensues when a radio personality is gulled into believing that the operator of a flophouse coulda woulda shoulda been in contention for a luxury hotel project next to the convention center. Best Messenger line to savor: They got part of the story almost right.

•Guilty ear pleasure: Chamillionaire's Ultimate Victory. Check "The Evening News":

We still haven't found Pac's killer, still haven't found Biggie's either,
30 minutes into the case they got tired and took a breather,
Snoop Dogg just got arrested, everyday he get a new subpoena,
Innocent when murder was the case so the prosecution got a middle finger,
Hip-Hop is sweeping the nation, but the contents seem so degrading,
Most rappers got new albums that white kids are anticipating,
If you don't like it on the radio or the television then switch the station,
Flavor Flav get a lot of ratings, Bill O'Reilly somewhere is hating,
Kanye just said WHAT? the president ain't got time for that,
The White House is going to stay white even tho' we know Obama's black,
9/11 was a calculation, and some would say it was a timed attack,
He gave a speech on CNN, "They bombed us, now we're bombing back,"
Where the heck is Osama at?

•Guilty dirty pirate hooker mouth pleasure: Caribou Coffee Snack Bars, the crack cocaine of granola bars. Or so sayeth the KB, and the man knows his granola bars.

MMM ... URN COOKIES

Anita Lewis of Elmira, N.Y., held a rummage sale, during which time she sold a ceramic turtle for 50 cents. The buyer said he was going to use the turtle as a cookie jar.

Inside the turtle: the ashes of Lewis' husband's former wife.

The Associated Press reports:

Lewis said she had hauled items into her yard early Saturday while her husband slept. The buyer quickly selected the large turtle container, despite being unable to get the lid open.

Her husband's previous wife collected turtles.

"We have lots of turtles," Anita Lewis said. "It didn't even register that this was the one (containing the ashes)."

HOT DOG CHILI SAUCE RECALLED

And not in a fond way; this is a product recall on 10-ounce cans of Castleberry's, Austex and Kroger brands of hot dog chili sauce with "best by" dates from April 30, 2009, through May 22, 2009. The Associated Press reports that the sauce has been linked to "the first cases of botulism in commercially canned foods in decades." Four people have been sickened.

MMMM, DINOSAUR BONE SOUP

What to do with a ton of excavated dinosaur bones? When in central Chia, boil them in soup. Or grind 'em up and use 'em as medicine.

The Associated Press reports:

Until last year, the fossils were being sold in Henan province as "dragon bones" at about 4 yuan (50 cents) per kilogram (2.2 pounds), scientist Dong Zhiming told The Associated Press.

Villagers apparently believed the bones were from flying dragons. And yes, the doc's name is Dong.

MMM ... GUINEA PIG

Werner Brenner loved his girlfriend but hated her guinea pig.

"She lavished more love on her pet than me in the three years we were together," Brenner said, "and we were always fighting about the noise the damn thing made at night."

So Brenner killed the pet -- Rudi was its name -- and served it as a "romantic" dinner. According to Ananova:

Lara Hochner, 23, from Darmstadt only found out what had happened when she went to her beloved pet Rudi after the candle-lit meal, to make sure he had enough food and water.

When she realised he was not there, her 29-year-old boyfriend Werner Brenner admitted that the couple had just eaten the animal. ...

Lara has now moved out of their shared home and lives with her parents, and has started court action against her now ex-boyfriend.

You know, one guinea pig isn't enough for a main course.

WHAT A JERK

If Marco Castro ever wants to serve you a delicious salad, run. The 17-year-old student from Wheaton, Ill., was sentenced this week to community service for -- here's The Associated Press' delicate wording -- "contaminating salad dressing with semen."

According to The AP, Castro was also ordered to pay a $750 fine. He'll have to do 120 hours of service with a group that works with AIDS patients. The judge also ordered Castro to attend college, accordig to the Naperville Sun.

Details of the crime, according to the Sun:

Authorities said Castro surreptitiously took a small bottle of ranch salad dressing from the school's cafeteria commons, where juniors and seniors eat lunch. He brought the bottle into a men's restroom, ejaculated into it and then returned it to the condiment cart.

The dressing remained there for more than two days before students who had become aware of the incident reported Castro to school officials. At least two students reported consuming some of the tainted dressing.

Castro confessed Dec. 12 to police he had contaminated the dressing after being inspired to do so by the movie "Jackass: Number Two."

There is a reason we do not eat creamy ranch dressing.

DOUBLE-CROSS IN CHINA

Tainted pet-food ingredients came from China. U.S. inspectors travel to China to investigate the factories. What do they find?

According to the Washington Post:

"There is nothing to be found. They are essentially shut down and not operating," said Walter Batts, deputy director of the Food and Drug Administration's office of international programs.

All closed, all cleaned up and cleaned out. Feel safer now?

COP STEALS WEED, MAKES BROWNIES

Edward Sanchez used to be a cop in Dearborn, Mich. But that changed after he started pilfering drugs in police custody -- and using them.

According to the Detroit Free Press:

The department's investigation began with a bizarre 911 call from Sanchez's home in Dearborn Heights. On the night of April 21, 2006, a panicky Sanchez told an emergency dispatcher he thought he and his wife were overdosing on marijuana.

"I think we're dying," he said in the 5-minute tape, obtained under the Michigan Freedom of Information Act.

"We made brownies and I think we're dead, I really do," Sanchez continued ...

When later questioned by police investigators, Sanchez said his wife took the marijuana out of his police vehicle while he was sleeping, and she told investigators she tricked him into eating a pot-laced brownie.

"Cpl. Sanchez was insistent that he would never ingest marijuana or any narcotics intentionally," an investigator wrote.

But in a subsequent interview, Sanchez acknowledged he fetched the marijuana from his car, put it in the brownie batter, and ate the brownies.

Sanchez also said he took the marijuana "off the street from unknown persons," investigators wrote.

Sanchez's wife, Stacy, also admitted to taking cocaine from hubby's cop car and tooting it away during a three-week binge.

The charges against Eddie and Stacy Sanchez? None. He was allowed to quit the police force without being charged with a crime. Dearborn police say he resigned during an internal investigation.

FAVORITE LOCAL RESTAURANTS

Everyone's favorite mammal, The Snarling Marmot, is casting her cyber net in search of the best local restaurants. Join the discussion by clicking here and nominating your favorite eateries. Marmot's picks:

•Favorite breakfast place: Anton’s
•Favorite deli/sandwich stop: Nearly Famous
•Favorite Mexican restaurant: Maria’s
•Favorite coffee: The Mudhouse
•Place I eat more often than I should because it’s close to the office: Quizno’s

Our pick: Haruno Sushi Bar & Grill.

NO NEED TO GO ON LIVING

The notion of living a meat-free life holds some attraction to us. But then we think about bacon.

Bacon. Greatest foodstuff ever. Good with salad, pairs well with peanut butter, and quite tasty wrapped around another piece of meat. Can't say that about tofu.

So of course the researchers have to be killjoys. According to the BBC:

Eating large quantities of cured meats like bacon could damage lung function and increase the risk of lung disease.

A Columbia University team found people who ate cured meats at least 14 times a month were more likely to have COPD - chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

COPD, which includes chronic bronchitis and emphysema, kills around 30,000 people in the UK each year.

The report, in the American Journal of Respiratory and Critical Care Medicine, said nitrites in meat may be to blame.

Smoking while eating bacon is not a good idea.

ONE FOR THE AGES

From the Bering Sea came forth a shortraker rockfish at least 90 years old. She was pregnant. According to National Geographic:

Researchers at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) used growth rings in the fish's ear bone, or otolith, to make their age estimate.

NOAA scientists also found that the fish's advanced years had yet to take a toll on its reproductive abilities.

"The belly was large," NOAA researcher Paul Spencer told the Associated Press. "The ovaries were full of developing embryos."

A Seattle, Washington-based ship caught the 44-inch-long (112-centimenter-long), 60-pound (27-kilogram) fish while trawling for pollock at about 2,100 feet (640 meters) below the surface. The massive mama was among ten shortrakers pulled from the depths along with roughly 75 tons of the smaller commercially fished species.

Not quite a record -- the largest measured rockfish was 47 inches long, and the oldest was 157 years. Click the link and check out this fish.

DOUBLE-D DUTCH

Dutch breasts are getting bigger. Nearly one in three women sports at least a D-cup bra. Only one in five could make the same claim in 2000. Expatica reports:

In Europe, Dutch women are ranked third behind British and Danish women in terms of bra size, research commissioned by Bodyfashion Promotion indicated on Wednesday.

Some 42 percent of women aged 30-39 have D-cup breasts and feel in general okay about that. Women with a large bra size are now the largest group in the Netherlands.

But the shape and size of breasts start to change once women reach the age of 40 and women then opt for a smaller bra size.

Some 44 percent of surveyed girls aged 12-19 think that eating fatty foods helps increase the size of their breasts.

All survey respondents said poor nutrition habits are the cause of increased breast size. Hormones in food and the general increasing size of the population are also leading to bigger breasts.

Fatty foods grow bigger boobs? Ha.