A FILM LIKE NO OTHER

The latest add to the CHATTER Wish List: Peter Greenaway's The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover, the closest thing to an acid trip without gnawing on blotter paper. No tinny aftertaste, and Helen Mirren is sensual.

We remember seeing it during a trip to D.C. and wishing, in vain, for the film to hit Springfield. Time to track down a DVD and add it to the library.

HAPPY 420

For those of you so inclined, grab an Icee and enjoy the holiday. For those not so inclined, there is always the beer bong. Luck to you.

BELATED HO-HO-HO

Sorry for the week off. Really sorry, because the week off involved no frolicking, no debauchery -- none of the holiday spirit we know and love so well.

Besides, we missed a lot of stuff. So it's off to the bullets, Batman:

•Santa Claus was captured in Los Angeles over the weekend, pulled over for driving drunk. Some sort of Claus, at least. As the Los Angeles Times notes:

The driver -- 6-foot-4 and 280 pounds -- was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving, in this case a misdemeanor, police said. In addition to a red Santa hat, he wore a blond wig, red lace camisole, purple G-string, black leg warmers and black shoes.

"We are pretty sure this is not the Santa Claus," Deputy Chief Ken Garner said.

But only pretty sure, because this is L.A. and all things are possible at Christmas.

•Jamie Lynn Spears turns up pregnant and says her boyfriend is the father. But he (18) had apparently kicked Spears (16) to the curb, and now rumors are flying that the boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, isn't good for the deed. The reputed real dad? An older exec on Spears' show, Zoey 101. As Show Biz Spy notes:

“Jamie Lynn has been working on Zoey since she was 13,” one of the sources said. “In Hollywood, little girls grow up fast, and she is no exception.

“With everything that has gone on in her family, she needed someone to look up to.

“But the man she found seems to have completely taken advantage of her.”

Another family source added: “Some of us have doubts as to the legitimacy of the claim that Casey is the father."

All of this makes Britney look almost responsible. Almost.

•Canada's prime minister, Stephen Harper, knows his world leaders. According to Reuters, Harper took the time to inform journalists that the Dalai Lama is not a hooker:

"I met the Dalai Lama in my office but I meet everyone in my office. I don't know why I would sneak off to a hotel room just to meet the Dalai Lama. You know, he's not a call girl," Harper told OMNI television.

Now that that's cleared up, the world can return to its normal orbit. All better now, Linus.

WORST. CHRISTMAS. EVE. EVER.

Or so says a 77-year-old man from Iowa, who found himself stuck above his septic tank on Monday night. The Associated Press reports:

The man spent part of Monday wedged in the tank's opening upside down, with his head inside and his feet kicking into the air above. He'd been trying to find a clog, but lost his balance.

He says he hollered for help, but it was an hour before his wife walked by a window and noticed two feet in the air.

The man told cops that he couldn't have lasted much longer. Teach him to root out clogs on Christmas Eve.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

Our ojala wish list from Amazon is at the bottom of the left-side column. Or you can click here to find it and smirk.

We really want a graduated glass beaker. Coolest drinking glass ever.

And speaking of holiday gifts, WCBS reports on the trend of medical gift cards. Brazil, the great film, seems closer with each passing day:

MOTHER: By the way, I saw a wonderful idea for Christmas presents at the chemists. Gift tokens. Medical gift tokens.

MRS TERRAIN: Oh, that sounds marvelous.

MOTHER: Yes, they're good at any doctor's and at many of the major hospitals -- and they're accepted for gynecological complications including Caesarean section.

Merry merry joy joy, Stimpy.

NO, THANK YOU

The late and still great William S. Burroughs gives thanks:

Thanks for the American Dream to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through.

Thanks for the memories. Hope your bird is a good one.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

As Justin the Photog might (and did) say, Halloween is the only time of year you can order a Big Mac and get it from someone dressed as a French maid. Nothing beats Halloween.

People Paula has a compilation of all the slutty costumes you missed this year -- but Oct. 31, 2008 is just around the corner. We especially enjoy the slutty psycho outfit. Fitting on so many levels for so many people.

Enjoy your candy.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

One dollar and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty cents of it was in pennies.

So begins the best Christmas story -- ever. Written by William Sydney Porter, a guy who used the pen name O. Henry, "Gift of the Magi" explains the great power of unselfish love. Who could want for more, sugarbear?

You can read it here. Merry Christmas.

YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY SONG

Louis Armstrong's "Christmas in New Orleans," perhaps? Johnny Cash and Neil Young doing "The Little Drummer Boy"? Or maybe "Christmas In Hollis" by Run-DMC?

All three are on the CHATTER ho-ho compilation, a CD mercifully void of that "Wonderful Christmastime" dreck by the disappointing Beatle -- though it does include a pre-freak Michael Jackson yipping about his mother kissing Santa Claus. For every yin, a yang.

Other blog faves:

•"Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" by Fallout Boy.
•"Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)" by The Darkness.
•"Peace Anyway" from The Black Crowes.

OK, maybe the Crowes isn't about the holidays, but the sentiments still apply.

PORNAMENTS!

Shocked, we tell you. We're shocked. Spencer's, the mildly risque gift shop, is selling sexy holiday ornaments. WKMG reports:

Six controversial ornaments, which can be purchased for $9 at Spencer's stores in Jacksonville and other parts of Florida, include an X-rated snowman and reindeer.

A television station reported that the pornaments can be found on store shelves at the Regency Square Mall in Jacksonville in plain view of children and to anyone who walks into the Spencer's stores.

Store workers said that there were no restrictions on who can purchase the pornaments in the store.

"It is just sad they have to stoop to this kind of thing to defame Christmas," Hillcrest Baptist Church Rev. Jim Patterson said. "It says we are nothing more than sexual acts or physical being and we are much more than that. We are spiritual beings and this is a spiritual holiday. And, why bring it to that level. It makes no sense to me."

Dong. Dong. Dong.

'WAR ON CHRISTMAS' NOISE STARTS AGAIN

Social conservatives made a lot of noise about this last year. They're going to make an even bigger racket this year.

Already, Wal-Mart has announced it will use "Merry Christmas" in its advertising. The heathens at Best Buy, however, will use the generic:

"We are going to continue to use the term holiday because there are several holidays throughout that time period, and we certainly need to be respectful of all of them," said Dawn Bryant, spokeswoman at Best Buy Co. Inc.

Note to social cons: If you're serious about waging war, there are real ones in Iraq and Afghanistan.