OBSCENE GESTURE LEADS TO SHOOTING

Tracey Grissom and her ex-husband, Hunter Grissom, were not the perfect couple. Less than two years ago she accused him of raping her.

Earlier this month the 30-year-old Grissom was driving to work when she saw the ex at a boat landing. She got out of her car to take a picture "for litigation related to their divorce."

And according to the Georgia Daily News, that's when things went bad:

(The sheriff) says several witnesses watched as the man made an obscene gesture and the woman opened fire around 8 a.m. (on May 15).
Authorities say the woman called 911 after using all her ammunition and told them she shot her ex-husband.

All her ammunition. She apparently made sure.

The couple have a four-year-old daughter.

FRANCISCO FRANCO'S TESTICLE IS STILL DEAD, TOO

Spanish dictator Francisco Franco had one testicle.

Australia's News.com reports:

It is believed his loss stemmed from a war injury in 1916 when Franco was wounded during battle at El Biutz, near Ceuta, which today is a Spanish enclave on the Moroccan Mediterranean coast.

On June 28-29, 1916, Franco, then a captain, led an attack in the region which was then a Spanish protectorate and was hit in his lower abdomen and seriously wounded.

The paper, citing several authors of Franco biographies, added that such an injury would have affected Franco's reproductive organs and made him sterile.

Some of us are not too young to get the joke.

UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

Work e-mail includes unintentionally hilarious line:

Brian Wismer is a multi-faceted unique entertainer formally trained by Ringling Bros., making him an event personality who's one of a kind and often compared to Robin Williams or Jim Carrey.

Unlike Jim Carrey, Brian Wismer is getting work.

SNIFFING DRANO, MAKING METH

Police in Buford, Ark., bust an 18-year-old who'd allegedly been sniffing Drano and guzzling booze. Too bad he forgot about the handwritten meth recipe -- and crystal-making ingredients -- also in the house.

From the KSPR story:

A sheriff's deputy says Ball was "huffing Drano and consuming a large amount of alcohol."

"While at the residence, which belongs to the man’s parents who assisted with the investigation, the deputy observed several substances commonly used in the manufacturing of methamphetamine, as well as a handwritten 'recipe' for cooking methamphetamine," the Baxter County Sheriff's Office said in a news release.

Huffing Drano?

LIKE 1968, ONLY BETTER

Forty years ago. The Election of Attrition. A political year of blood and mayhem, with the pitiful survivors of November crawling into an arena frequented only months earlier by the stars of their sport. Lyndon Johnson took a powder. So did Robert Kennedy, literally. Nelson Rockefeller was figuratively killed by his party for being too liberal, too Happy.

Democrats were left to front Hubert Humphrey, the happy-faced, fast-talking vice president. Republicans backed Richard Nixon, a paranoid scowler who'd already blown one bid for the White House. Everyone else got George Wallace, a racist still unaware of the bullet and wheelchair in his future.

We flash forward to four decades later and the circle is closed. The best candidates -- at least on the Democratic bench -- are back to flipping impeachment burgers (Dennis Kucinich) and minding the Senate store (Chris Dodd, Hillary Clinton). The Republicans overlooked an optimist and a Mormon.

Who would have bet six months ago that John McCain might beat Barack Obama? Bill Clinton:

"[H]e has some redeeming qualities for a Republican: he doesn't believe in toture, he supported campaign finance reform and he doesn't think global warming is a myth ... So it is not gonna be all that easy to beat him."

The Obama faithful sniffed and barked at the Big Dog for not snapping a stiff-armed salute at their Leader, but the Dog knows the truth: This is politics, not the debate club. Want to implement the ideas, the ideals? Win. Or at least act like you want to win, and try to keep your nutty fan club (relatives, close associates, pastors, pill-popping spouses) in the basement until the polls close in the general election.

Obama should be 10, maybe 12 points ahead of McCain at this point, getting ready to vet the cabinet. Bill Clinton was beating Bob Dole like Balboa beats beef slabs in August 1996. Because Clinton knew it's all about the lowest common denominator. Save the oration for the inauguration.

We said last January that McCain was off-his-rocker crazy -- a clinical term, not tossed around lightly -- and thus unqualified to be President of the United States. He's still all that, but turns out he's fox crazy, too, cunning and willing to use the WASP knife in battle. Hence the priggish Sarah Palin, a meaty bone to the GOP base that can't stand McCain (McPain is one of the nicer nicknames the far right uses).

McCain knows he's using his base to win. He knows he's using Palin, even if he believes she's unqualified. He's already on record belittling wanna-bes:

"I am prepared. I am prepared. I need no on-the-job training. I wasn't a mayor for a short period of time. I wasn't a governor for a short period of time."

Democrats will try to use McCain's words against him, but it won't work. They're too angry at Republican hypocrisy to think straight. They're baffled by the bullshit, belittling Palin at their peril. Wily Willie Brown, the best political animal ever to set foot in California, hailed the Palin pick as a brilliant political move:

"Republicans are now on offense and Democrats are on defense. And we don't do well on defense."

Joe Biden has been defanged by the choice of Palin. That attack dog won't hunt. Obama is spending too much time talking about the Republicans' veep pick, not enough time keeping it simple. And raising money, given his flip-flop on public financing of his campaign. He's got to raise $100 million a month to meet his fundraising goals, and he's falling short. While Obama begs for bucks, McCain campaigns.

Democrats don't get it. John McCain wants to win. They want to whine.

DOC SAYS YOU'RE GONNA DIE

Man in Australia squats for a little roadside relief. Deadly brown snake squirms between his legs and lunges at the dangly bits. Man and snake freak.

The Cairns Post has the story:

Emergency workers raced to the scene to treat the man.

The wound was wrapped in plastic in case poison had penetrated the skin but medical staff gave the man the all-clear after conducting tests.

He was taken to Cooktown Hospital where he spent a night recovering.

The ambulance spokesman described him as "lucky", given his near encounter with one of Australia’s most poisonous snakes.

"I think he was a bit shocked and embarrassed," he said.

Life imitates joke.

HE'LL NEVER MAKE SERGEANT

A police officer in New York was cleaning his gun in dim light. No electricity; he couldn't pay the bill.

And then something happened, and a toddler was shot. The Associated Press reports:

Officer Patrick Venetek, who had less than two years experience on the force, was stripped of his gun and placed on modified duty while the department investigates the Feb. 7 incident, authorities said.

His brother told reporters Friday that the officer had set his gun down on a table, and then accidentally knocked it to the floor when he returned to the room.

The gun discharged, firing a bullet that passed into the apartment below and hit 1-year-old Jonathan Porcellini in the arm.

"Just a few more inches and I could have lost my son," said his father, Justin Porcellini. "This is a city employee, a cop. They are supposed to be safe. I want people to know that what happened was wrong."

Who cleans a gun without making sure it's unloaded?

FATHER OF THE YEAR CANDIDATE

Dad: Tyrone Spellman, 27

Daughter: 17-month-old Alayiah Turman

Deed: He beat her to death after she pulled down his Xbox console.

Mom was pregnant and napping in another room when Spellman cracked the child's skull. He fled their Philadelphia home, was arrested, confessed, later recanted and said he had lied to protect Alayiah's mother.

The Associated Press reports:

An autopsy showed that Alayiah had suffered a broken arm about two weeks before she died - an injury that city social workers did not see on two visits to the house in late August, when they found the baby well.

Spellman was convicted of third-degree murder and child endangerment. He faces 23 to 47 years in prison.

BACK FROM THE DEAD

Plenty of people last Thursday night were ready to write the political obituary for Sen. Hillary Clinton. Even some of her own people were quietly panicking that Sen. Barack Obama's Iowa caucus win meant doom for Clinton.

Now New Hampshire goes and spoils everything for the spoiler.

Clinton's Tuesday night win in the nation's first primary election means the Democrats are far from coronating a candidate to run for the White House. The only clear thing to come out of New Hampshire is the still-smiling (and still politically dead) face of John Edwards. He insisted he would run all the way to the convention. He probably will, and he still won't make a difference. Fork, meet Edwards. Pity, but only kind of.

Clinton's New Hampshire upset -- polls showed she was supposed to lose big to Obama, perhaps by double-digits -- has 'net pundits agog. Freepers are wailing and gnashing teeth, dismayed by Clinton's New Hampshire victory. So are some Democrats.

Republicans showed their desire to keep Mike Huckabee at arm's length. The winner in Iowa finished third in New Hampshire. Two honeymoons cut short by voters. Two races revived. Democracy wins.

DOING WHAT TIGERS DO

Tatiana was a 350-pound Siberian tiger. She got out of her enclosure at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas. One man is dead; two others are wounded.

As the San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Zoo officials are still unsure how the tiger escaped the enclosure. Authorities believe it initially attacked all three victims, killing [17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr.]. Officials believe the cat then followed blood trails to Terrace Cafe, where it cornered the other boys, brothers ages 19 and 23.

Although some zoo officials speculate the threesome may have teased the tiger, San Francisco police Lt. Leroy Lindo said police currently have no reason to believe the three men taunted the animal prior to the attack, which happened shortly after the zoo's 5 p.m. closing time. Dozens of visitors and some employees were still inside the zoo at the time.

Cops shot the tiger to death. Too bad she died while following her nature.

WORST. CHRISTMAS. EVE. EVER.

Or so says a 77-year-old man from Iowa, who found himself stuck above his septic tank on Monday night. The Associated Press reports:

The man spent part of Monday wedged in the tank's opening upside down, with his head inside and his feet kicking into the air above. He'd been trying to find a clog, but lost his balance.

He says he hollered for help, but it was an hour before his wife walked by a window and noticed two feet in the air.

The man told cops that he couldn't have lasted much longer. Teach him to root out clogs on Christmas Eve.

CREEPY YET COMPELLING

Perhaps the oddest blog find of the day: Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.

The snap of David Coverdale is the best example of what happens when middle-aged men learn the joys of plastic surgery.

WANTED: STUDS

Heidi Fleiss is looking for a few good men to "service women." The former Hollywood Madam is setting up shop in Nevada.

According to Heidi's Stud Farm, here's what they need:

We will hire 20 men and 10 on stand-by. Lady customers will be charged $250.00 an hour that will be split 50-50 to the house. Men will be able to keep all tips. They will be charged a weekly rate for a housekeeper, room, board, and food. Weekly tests for STDS and HIV are mandatory. Employees will register for a work card with the sheriff's department.

A hundred-twenty-five an hour, plus tips. Gentlemen, start your whatevers.

NAKED MAN FLEECED

Dateline: Oelwein, Iowa, where two men are under arrest for stealing a man's clothes, forcing him to wander the hinterlands in his skin suit. The Associated Press reports:

The victim, a 19-year-old Hazleton man, was taken by two men to a rural area west of Oelwein where the men took his clothes at gunpoint, officials with the Fayette County sheriff's office said.

The investigation began after the sheriff's office received a report of a naked man walking down a county road early Sunday morning.

Deputies searched an Oelwein home later in the day and found the victim's clothes and several guns.

Two dudes in their 30s are charged with first-degree robbery.

XENOPHOBIA GONE WILD

Man goes to Home Depot to buy a pry bar and a hacksaw. Man goes through self-service checkout. Man fails to follow directions, accidentally hits the button for Spanish. Man goes gonzo.

According to the Seattle Post-Intelligence:

He became "frustrated that the machine was speaking Spanish," the police report says.

So, instead of asking for customer service help, he let loose a blow with the pry bar and shattered the computer. He ran from the store and made a beeline to some nearby railroad tracks, the report said.

A Seattle police officer searched for the customer. But he had vanished.

The manager believes he caused about $10,000 in damages. He left the pry bar in his shopping cart.

Ungh! Man angry!

A NOT-SO-NUTTY STORY

Benjamin Houghton, 47, is an Air Force veteran. He had a potentially cancerous testicle -- the left one, a very important specific in the story.

Houghton had surgery at the West Los Angeles VA Medical Center last June.

Doctors removed his right testicle.

Houghton and his wife, Monica, are suing. According to this Los Angeles Times report:

"At first I thought it was a joke," said Houghton, who recalls being told of the mistake immediately afterward, while he was in recovery. "Then I was shocked. I told them, 'What do I do now?' "

Dr. Dean Norman, chief of staff for the Greater Los Angeles VA system, has formally apologized to Houghton and his wife.

"We are making every attempt that we can to care for Mr. Houghton, but it's in litigation, and that's all we can tell you," he said. Norman added that the hospital has made changes in its practices as a result of the case.

Perhaps now is the time to explore testicular transplants, with Dr. Dean Norman donating one of his own to Houghton. An eye for an eye, and all that.

A REAL PORN SWORDSMAN

James Van Iveren heard noises coming from a neighbor's apartment in Wisconsin. He thought he heard a woman being raped.

Armed with a sword, he broke into the apartment. Too late, he discovered the noises were apparently coming from a porn movie.

Now Van Iveren is charged with kicking in his neighbor's door. The Journal Sentinel has what may be this week's most delightful read in an American paper. A couple excerpts:

Van Iveren's neighbor, Bret Stieghorst, said Wednesday that he believed Van Iveren was doing what he thought was the right thing in kicking in the door to his apartment and didn't care about the charges that were filed, except damage to property.

"He did kick in my door, so he should get charged with that," said Stieghorst, 33, who works full time and is a student at Waukesha County Technical College. "But he really didn't do anything except what he thought was right. I don't know what I would have done in that situation."

But if Van Iveren was attempting to rescue what he thought was a woman in danger he was "obnoxiously late," said Stieghorst, who said he watched the movie between 1 and 2:30 a.m., but Van Iveren did not burst into his apartment until about 11:30 a.m. ...

Stieghorst, who said he has lived in his small downtown apartment for five years, said he was watching an adult DVD in Spanish called "Casa de Culo." He said the movie has no screaming that would suggest to someone a woman was in danger.

"It's all in Spanish, and I don't understand a word of it," he said. "I only bought it for the hot chicks." ...

Waukesha County Assistant District Attorney Kevin Osborne said it would be a mistake to let Van Iveren off the hook merely because he says he was mistaken.

"You can't just make up an excuse for your behavior and expect to avoid consequences," he said.

Stieghorst said the incident will not change his movie-viewing habits.

"No, way; I'm a man and I'm a normal person," he said. "But I think I will get some good headphones, maybe some wireless ones."

For those of you who care, "Casa de Culo" is a four-hour video. That's a lot of culo.

FIRST THE BIRD, THEN THE CRASH

Glenn Harold Vickers, didn't your mother ever tell you it isn't polite to point? Especially true when it's your middle finger, and you're pointing it at a cop, and then you lose control of your station wagon and crash it into a guard rail. The Charleston Daily News reports:

(Kanawha County Sheriff Mike) Rutherford said Vickers took the exit and as he did, he extended his middle finger toward the sheriff.

Vickers then crashed the right side of his station wagon along the exit's guardrail, Rutherford said.

"He was looking directly at me, giving me the finger and just ran into the guardrail," Rutherford said. "There's no question in my mind he was not paying attention." ...

Rutherford said he's not sure why Vickers made the obscene gesture. The sheriff said he had never met Vickers before.

"When he was stopped and I introduced myself, you could tell he was surprised," Rutherford said. "It was like all the air was taken out of him."

Vickers, 53, is free on bond.

FIND YOUR OWN SEAT

We open doors for women because Mom taught us it was the right thing to do. We also think it's OK to offer up your seat to a woman. On that second count, we're apparently way off base.

The new issue of GQ doles out advice on "modern manners." A paragraph from that report:

"Women are equals now. They can fend for themselves. To offer a perfectly healthy woman a seat simply because she is a woman, however well-intentioned, is creepy. At best, she'll think you're from another country; at worst she'll feel old, or overweight enough to be perceived as pregnant."

Opening doors for women, however, is still considered copacetic. As GQ notes, men should do it "to be nice, you mannerless ape." And to prove that chivalry isn't dead.