WHAT? NO GIN?

A 47-year-old woman in Bloomington, Minn., reportedly gave her granddaughter a couple slugs of gin.

Who's doing the reporting? The 9-year-old girl.

According to The Associated Press:

Bloomington Police Commander Jim Ryan said the girl remembers vomiting, hitting her head and blacking out about 1 p.m. Aug. 31. Ryan said the girl's mother was working a 12-hour shift at the time and was out of the house.

He said police suspect the grandmother gave the child the alcohol in hopes that she would pass out so the adult could go out for the night instead of babysitting.

"A lot could have happened with a kid left alone," Ryan said. "A lot could have gone wrong. She could have choked on her vomit. ... This is a horrendous case of child endangerment."

Police arrived at the apartment around 10 p.m. after getting an anonymous call that a child was given alcohol. Ryan said a portable breath test showed the girl had an alcohol level of .042 percent, about half the legal limit for driving, more than eight hours after drinking the gin.

Grandma is in jail on $6,000 bail. The kid's back with her mother.

LOWLIFE BUSTED IN ARIZONA

What else to call a man who steals funeral flowers? The Associated Press reports from Arizona:

Christopher Billie, 37, was booked into the Yavapai County jail on one count of auto burglary, said Sgt. Tom Boughner, a Flagstaff police spokesman.

Police were called to Our Lady of Guadalupe Church just after 8 p.m. Thursday by a funeral director who watched as Billie opened the hearse door, climbed inside and began grabbing flower vases, Boughner said. Billie, who reportedly was intoxicated, was detained by the mortician until officers arrived.

SOME THINGS ARE SACRED

Dude's driving drunk. Cops try to nab him. Dude leads cops on a chase before bailing from his car and fleeing on foot.

And then, as WKMG reports:

The man was spotted fleeing while still clutching a beer.

"There was a 12-pack of Corona he was working on in the front seat," Orange County sheriff's Cmdr. Jeff Stonebreaker said. "He decided to take one of those over the fence with him. So, he bails out of the car and runs from the deputies with a beer in his hand."

The driver, who was not named, was arrested and charged with DUI and aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer.
Authorities said the driver has a history of DUIs.

And a thirst for bad beer.

LOHAN BUSTED AGAIN

Lindsay Lohan was busted early Tuesday for driving drunk. According to The Associated Press:

Police in Santa Monica, California pulled her over after they say they saw Lohan's car chasing another.

Police gave Lohan a field sobriety test and then took her to the station.

She was booked on suspicion of D-U-I, driving on a suspended license and possession of cocaine. They say they found coke in one of her pants pockets.

Lohan had just finished Round Two in rehab.

.49 AND STILL STANDING

Name: Holly Spreen. Age: 34. Arrested for: Child endangerment. Reason: Drunk enough to die.

Spreen is a special education teacher in New Hampshire. She was arrested after dropping (and dragging) her 2-year-old son aboard a cruise ship.

Sea Coast Online has the story:

Prosecutor Corey MacDonald told the Herald Spreen’s .49 blood alcohol concentration, which was measured by medical professionals at Portsmouth Regional Hospital, was high enough to induce a coma or cause death.

“I’d be dead,” he said.

The prosecutor alleges Spreen was already intoxicated when she showed up to board the cruise ship and that witnesses who saw her drop and drag the child reported their concerns to ship management who notified police. MacDonald said following Spreen’s arrest, her car was impounded and an empty wine bottle was found inside.

Through attorney John Driscoll, Spreen pleaded not guilty to the charges and told the court the child is staying with his father. The attorney said his client is a special education teacher in New Hampshire and according to public records she has been employed as a special education teacher in Seabrook for the past five years.

Spreen's trial is set for Aug. 14.

WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS

To ridicule, to mock, to kick around. Paris Hilton serves a purpose on this planet. Now that she's going to jail (or so we fervently hope), she's exceeding all expectations with her petulant whining. Excellent. All the more reason to mock her.

Reuters reports that Hilton is "visibly shocked and tearful" following her Friday sentencing to 45 days in jail. She's supposed to turn herself in by June 5, but she won't be going without a fight:

"I told the truth," Hilton told photographers waiting outside her Los Angeles home on Saturday night.

"I feel that I was treated unfairly and that the sentence is both cruel and unwarranted. I don't deserve this."

Her lawyer, Howard Weitzman, has said he will appeal "to modify the sentence."

Hilton's mother Kathy voiced her anger at the ruling over the weekend. "This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayers' money with this nonsense. It is a joke," she told Hollywood.com.

Paris Hilton blames her (now-fired) publicist for the mess; she claims the publicist told her it was OK to drive, even though Hilton's license was suspended.

SHE BLEW A .47

Deana Jarrett, 54, apparently has a problem with alcohol. Last week she was involved in two car crashes in Redmond, Wash. She took a breath test. She registered .47 blood-alcohol content.

According to The Associated Press:

Jarrett was taken to Evergreen Hospital as a precaution following her arrest April 11, the Washington State Patrol said Wednesday. No one was injured in the accidents.

Jarrett blew the .47 on a portable breath tester after she collided with two other vehicles in quick succession, the patrol said. A check of all 356,000 breath tests administered since 1998 in Washington turned up only 35 above .40 -- and none of those was higher than .45.

Like most states, the legal limit in Washington is .08 BAC.

FIRST THE BIRD, THEN THE CRASH

Glenn Harold Vickers, didn't your mother ever tell you it isn't polite to point? Especially true when it's your middle finger, and you're pointing it at a cop, and then you lose control of your station wagon and crash it into a guard rail. The Charleston Daily News reports:

(Kanawha County Sheriff Mike) Rutherford said Vickers took the exit and as he did, he extended his middle finger toward the sheriff.

Vickers then crashed the right side of his station wagon along the exit's guardrail, Rutherford said.

"He was looking directly at me, giving me the finger and just ran into the guardrail," Rutherford said. "There's no question in my mind he was not paying attention." ...

Rutherford said he's not sure why Vickers made the obscene gesture. The sheriff said he had never met Vickers before.

"When he was stopped and I introduced myself, you could tell he was surprised," Rutherford said. "It was like all the air was taken out of him."

Vickers, 53, is free on bond.

THE ULTIMATE HANDJOB

Shiver yer timbers, fine fellows, as you read this cautionary from North Carolina involving alcohol, an argument and castration. The Dunn Daily Record reports:

Rebecca Ann Dawson, 34, of 700 Stockyard Road who is listed in Harnett County Jail records as Rebecca Arnold, was arrested by Lillington Police Officer R.D. Bass after she allegedly attacked Kevin Russ during an argument.

Lillington Police Chief Frank Powers would not release details about how the incident happened, he said, until the case is investigated further.

"Some of the witnesses were intoxicated, so we have to do more investigating," he said.

"It was a domestic situation and she attacked him with her hands," Chief Powers said. "There were no weapons involved."

Chief Powers said Officer Bass also charged Ms. Dawson with resisting arrest.

"She resisted a little," he said.

Chief Powers said Ms. Dawson spit on the officer while being arrested.

Ms. Dawson was arrested on four charges. She faces felony counts of assault causing serious bodily injury, malicious conduct by a prisoner, injury to personal property and malicious castration.

As opposed to charitable castration, of course. Dawson is free on $50,000 bond. She's scheduled to appear in court on Jan. 17, 2007.

MISS NEVADA USA PICS

The Miss USA pageant will decide soon whether Katie Rees, 22, should be reinstated as Miss Nevada USA 2007. Rees was dethroned after pictures of her vamping with other women (and on her knees in front of a guy) surfaced.

Rees has apologized and asked for a second chance. For your careful study, here are the pics of Rees.

"So many of us don't realize how our actions, even one night of poor judgment, can affect the rest of our lives," Rees said. The pics show plenty of action and almost no judgment.

DRUNK? YOU BET

So drunk she decided to show up drunk in court for an appearance on a drunken-driving charge. The Associated Press reports:

A Little Rock woman facing her fifth drunken-driving charge in the span of a year -- and third in less than a month -- showed up to a court appearance drunk Tuesday morning, a court official said.

Susan Marshall, 55, was arrested for contempt of court after a brief appearance in Little Rock District Court, said chief probation officer Sheila Farley. Marshall later had a blood-alcohol level of 0.147 percent, Farley said. The legal limit for adult drivers in Arkansas is 0.08 percent.

Marshall said she did not drive to her court appearance and had no keys when arrested, Farley said.

Marshall, who had three drunken-driving arrests in September, was taken to Pulaski County Jail. She was scheduled for another court appearance Wednesday, Farley said.

Well, thank God she didn't drive to court.