HEADLINE OF THE DAY

Sunday's News-Leader includes the Mike O'Brien column, left-side anchor of the features section.

Always eagle-eyed Smitty alerted us to the headline of the Nov. 7 OB column -- a hed destined for the No-Sh!t Sherlock Hall of Fame:

New England vistas offer many sights unseen in Ozarks

In other news, it gets dark at night.

BLACK, WHITE, NOT READ ALL OVER

We often marvel at how lucky we are to be alive during this precise sliver of history. So much going on; so many innovations and breakthroughs that we can scarcely hold a grudge against the cartoonists from 1962, who thought Judy Jetson would still be using a turntable to listen to albums. A slip of an error in the forecast, nothing more.

But the gang who cobbled together "The Jetsons" did get one thing right. In the future, newspapers were not a player.

On Monday, the Audit Bureau of Circulations released circ numbers for the nation's 20 most-read newspapers. All but two of the newspapers suffered erosion in circulation. This comes after the last six-month report showed declines in readership.

The country's most-read newspaper, USA Today, has 2,296,335 readers, a drop of a half-percent from the same six months in 2004.

The rest of the list reads like a roomful of the usual suspects -- but on closer read, there are some icons missing. No Detroit News. No St. Louis Post-Dispatch. In their place are oddballs like the Portland Oregonian -- a fine read, no doubt, but how in hell did it wind up as the nation's 19th-largest newspaper?

Another how-in-hell involves the Los Angeles Times. In a city of 3.5 million people, the Times circ is 843,432, down almost four percent. Good to see the Times is living up to its reputation for sucking.

We're sure that online newspaper editions are one reason for the drop in paid circ. Newspapers have yet to figure out the revenue generators for online editions, but once they do (if they do), that's when the traditional paper-and-ink versions will become as quaint as dial-up connections and cathode-ray tubes.

People used to say the internet would never replace newspapers because you couldn't take a computer into the bathroom. Laptop machines and wireless connections make it easy to read the News-Leader while sitting on the can. And no ink-stained fingers!

CABLE NIRVANA

So the other day we're watching the cables, trying to figure out if every woman on Fox is contractually required to wear gloss on her plump lips. Wondering, too, if Shep Smith has the same clause in his contract, but then we realize the answer is: of course he does.

We meant to flicker past MSNBC, land of Tucker Carlson and Joe Scarborough, but the finger on the remote froze when we saw Colette Cassidy and Contessa Brewer sharing the desk.

We've nattered on about Cassidy before and think she ought to do what she wants at MSNBC. Hey, it's not like there's a danger of losing millions of viewers, and she's that good -- strong with the narrative, great eyes, nice voice.

And Brewer ... well, the reason for watching her is a no-brainer.

RADIO TALKER BUSTED IN WIFE'S DEATH

James Keown, 31, was arrested Monday at KLIK in Jefferson City. The AM station -- once a bad-ass Top 40 playa -- is now NewsTalk 1240; Keown covered Jeff City politics and hosted a show.

His wife died in Massachusetts, and Boston's CBS affiliate does the tell:

The Middlesex District Attorney says Keown and his wife Julie, also 31, moved to Waltham from Missouri for business last year.

During a period of time in September 2004, prosecutors say he poisoned her with ethylene glycol, a chemical that is commonly found in anti-freeze.

Julie died and James Keown moved back to Missouri.

Keown was arrested Monday morning in Jefferson City, Missouri after being indicted last week by a Middlesex Grand Jury on one count of murder.

Juicy, and the web site has photos of Keown and an unidentified hairy companion residing on his scalp.

Missouriradio.net also has a forum about the arrest.

Update 4:40 p.m.Keown was arrested during his morning air shift. Cops cuffed him during a commercial break! Who finished his shift?

Keown's blog is a delightful read, and it includes several photos of Keown (this one is our fave). We feel for his friend, Julie (not to be confused with his dead wife, Julie).

'DRINK' CLOSES

Drink, a downtown Springfield club, is out of Park Central Square. A posting at The Dark Room says the club will return "within a mile of the downtown area," but for now that's just talk; it would be mid-December, at the earliest, before a refreshed Drink could be served.

NFL CHEERLEADERS BUSTED IN BAR BATHROOM

A story so good, it emits powerful visuals all by itself. From Channel 10 in Tampa Bay:

Two Carolina Panther cheerleaders spent the night in jail after a rough night in Channelside. The Panthers were in town to play the Bucs Sunday afternoon.

Witnesses say Angela Keathley and Renee Thomas were engaged in some type of sexual activity inside a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's around 2:20 am Sunday. Another woman waiting to use the bathroom got into an argument with the pair.

Police say Thomas punched the woman in the face. When Thomas was arrested, she gave police the name of another Panthers cheerleader.

Thomas could face additional charges for lying to police, once they confirm her identity.

Keathley was charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing or opposing an officer, while Thomas was charged with one count of battery.

The two women were taken to Hillsborough County jail, where they both bonded out later Sunday morning.

Yes, the link has pictures of the daring duo. You're welcome.

ASHCROFT NOW 'DISTINGUISHED' LACKEY FOR PAT ROBERTSON

If you're free next Monday, Nov. 14, and you're tooling around Virginia Beach, Va., you may wish to consider lunch at the Founders Inn. There you will find John Ashcroft -- former attorney general, former Missouri governor, former Man from Greene County, Mo. -- doling out wisdom for $30 a head. A calendar listing notes:

Former U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft is now a distinguished professor of law and government for Regent University.

The school claims to be "America's preeminent Christian university," and because school leaders claim a thisclose relationship with God, we must assume it is better than Evangel University, which claims only to be "boldly Christian, unquestionably academic." Ashcroft must feel somewhat conflicted; his father was Evangel's president from 1958-74.

Regent University, however, was created by an even greater man than J. Robert Ashcroft:

Dr. M. G. "Pat" Robertson, founder and president of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), had an inspired vision to establish a graduate-level institution that would train men and women for the challenge of representing Christ in their professions. In 1978, Robertson's vision materialized, as 70 students began classes.

Jesus John and Prophet Pat, together on one college campus. This could be bigger than Dead Guy and Ebert.

PATRIOT ACT USED AGAINST PATRIOTS

The Patriot Act had its fourth anniversary late last month. Proponents say it doesn't affect you if you've done nothing wrong. They're wrong.

Sunday's Washington Post has quite the take-out on "national security letters" being used to sweep up information about everyday Americans. Maybe even you.

From the story:

"National security letters," created in the 1970s for espionage and terrorism investigations, originated as narrow exceptions in consumer privacy law, enabling the FBI to review in secret the customer records of suspected foreign agents. The Patriot Act, and Bush administration guidelines for its use, transformed those letters by permitting clandestine scrutiny of U.S. residents and visitors who are not alleged to be terrorists or spies.

The FBI now issues more than 30,000 national security letters a year, according to government sources, a hundredfold increase over historic norms. The letters -- one of which can be used to sweep up the records of many people -- are extending the bureau's reach as never before into the telephone calls, correspondence and financial lives of ordinary Americans ...

A national security letter cannot be used to authorize eavesdropping or to read the contents of e-mail. But it does permit investigators to trace revealing paths through the private affairs of a modern digital citizen. The records it yields describe where a person makes and spends money, with whom he lives and lived before, how much he gambles, what he buys online, what he pawns and borrows, where he travels, how he invests, what he searches for and reads on the Web, and who telephones or e-mails him at home and at work.

It's a long read, but definitely worth your time.

IN DENVER, A SLIVER OF SANITY

When Denver voters voted Tuesday to decriminalize personal possession of up to an ounce of marijuana, drug warriors were furious. Some sniffed that the measure barely passed, despite the 54-46 outcome. Others were defiant, saying state law trumped the will of Denver voters.

Regardless, plenty of pot was smoked in Denver on Tuesday night, and for good reason: the spark-ups signaled an end to 68 years of madness.

James B. Meadow has a great piece in the Rocky Mountain News about the dark decades. Meadow focuses on Samuel R. Caldwell, a 58-year-old laborer who was busted by Denver cops for selling two joints to 26-year-old Moses Baca.

The date was Oct. 2, 1937. The Marijuana Stamp Act had just become law. The feds were determined to stamp out a drug they had dubbed "murder weed."

From Meadow's story:

Harry J. Anslinger, for example, commissioner of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, was a vociferous foe of cannabis. In his book, Assassin of Youth, he labeled marijuana "dangerous as a coiled rattlesnake," and anguished, "How many murders, suicides, robberies, criminal assaults, holdups, burglaries, and deeds of maniacal insanity it causes each year, especially among the young, can be only conjectured."

Indeed. Texas cops insisted that because it fueled a "lust for blood" and imbued its imbibers with "superhuman strength," pot was the catalyst for unspeakably violent crimes ...

Much more real was the racism that anchored some of the original hysteria surrounding cannabis. At least that's a contention of John C. McWilliams, a professor of history at Penn State University specializing in 20th century social-political American history and drug policy, who has written a book on Anslinger.

"Marijuana was associated with black jazz musicians and Mexicans in border towns - clearly racist stuff," said McWilliams, who says Anslinger's files are chock full of letters linking marijuana and minorities.

In fact, he cites part of a 1936 correspondence from Floyd Baskett, editor of the Daily Courier in Alamosa.

"I wish I could show you what a small marijuana cigarette does to one of our degenerate, Spanish-speaking residents," Baskett wrote to Anslinger.

As for Samuel Caldwell, the dealer who sold two joints? He got four years hard labor in Leavenworth and a $1,000 fine. For buying the joints, Moses Baca got 18 months in prison.

Until 1937, marijuana was better known as cannabis, and plenty of people used it as medicine. Since the prohibition began almost 70 years ago, millions of people have used marijuana and not succumbed to a "lust for blood." The only maniacal insanity comes from the drug warriors.

TASHA HENDERSON: MOTHER OF THE YEAR

Henderson's 14-year-old daughter made some bad grades at Memorial High School in Edmund, Okla. You know what that means.

From the Daily Oklahoman:

The girl was forced to stand for an hour Friday on the well-traveled Edmond corner of Memorial and Boulevard, holding a sign insinuating that she is destined for the streets if her grades don’t improve.

The sign read: “I don’t do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food.” The Edmond School District was closed Friday for teacher conferences. The 14-year-old stood still and silent on the corner while people in passing cars pointed and jeered. The only words she uttered when questioned by The Oklahoman were: “My teachers lied on me.”

Her mother, Tasha Henderson, doesn’t buy that excuse. She said she had tried all other ways to get her daughter to pay more attention in school.

“I told her if she didn’t get her grades up, she would be out on the corner, so here we are,” she said. “I gave her fair warning; I had to stick to my guns.”

Police Sgt. Randy Chapa arrived at the scene and told the mother she could be cited for psychological abuse of a child. Instead, Chapa wrote a report because the sign posed a safety distraction to drivers and a danger to the teenager.

Man, we were with the girl until she pulled the "my teachers lied on me" excuse.

SCIENCE CONFIRMS BREASTS ARE GETTING BIGGER

Women's breasts, we should be careful to note. Bigger breasts on men ... well, that's the sort of horror that only Indiana Jones can fight. Or not.

Bigger breasts on American women. Fact o' life, according to people who study that sort of thing. Discover magazine offers a few factoids:

Poor eating habits, as well as breast implants and the estrogens in birth-control pills, have led to an increase in the past 15 years of more than one bra size for the average American woman -- from a 34B to a 36C. For many women, this has been a burdensome trend. A pair of D-cup breasts weighs between 15 and 23 pounds -- the equivalent of carrying around two small turkeys. The larger the breasts, the more they move and the greater the discomfort. In one study, 56 percent of women suffered from breast pain when jogging.

Also from the article, this turkey talk: Thirty percent of American women now wear D-cups or larger. Click here to get the breast of the story.

CHALABI WINS MEETING WITH RICE

You can't keep a bad man down. The rule applies to soap operas, both from fiction and from fact, and next week provides all of us an opportunity to see the return of a genuinely Bad Man.

Ahmed Chalabi was the Iraqi-in-exile who helped convince the Bush Administration that the U.S. would be greeted with flowers and kisses when soldiers invaded Baghdad and toppled Saddam Hussein. And then Chalabi was the guy who told his good friends in Iran that the U.S. had cracked Iran's secret codes. Nice, huh?

Those who live in reality might assume the U.S. would be interested in cuffing Chalabi and holding him as an enemy combatant in one of America's secret prisons for Bad Guys. But reality is too messy. The Associated Press reports that Chalabi will meet with the secretary of state next week:

Face-to-face meetings with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and probably other senior Bush administration officials await Ahmed Chalabi as the Iraqi deputy prime minister pursues political rehabilitation in Washington ...

Chalabi, who begins his eight-day visit on Tuesday, is due to see Rice on Wednesday and make a speech that day at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative think tank that provides personnel and considerable support to the administration.

Chalabi apparently learned the intelligence about Iran from a high-level source in the Pentagon. The CIA turned against Chalabi when it realized he was full of crap and dangerous to U.S. national security. The Bush Administration now chooses to embrace him.

REPORT: ALI CLOSE TO DEATH

Keesh, right to the heart. That's where this kind of blurb takes us. Muhammad Ali may be dying, according to the Evening Standard. According to the paper:

A close family friend said: "His condition has worsened. At this point he may only have months to live."

We remember walking through the Ralphs in the spring of 1968 and seeing the cover of Esquire magazine, the one with Ali posed as St. Sebastien, suffering the arrows of his enemies. He's been a hero ever since, saying what needed to be said, even when -- especially when -- most people didn't want to hear it.

In 1967, Ali refused induction in the Army. He knew his stand would cost him his championship. He knew he could easily accept induction, box in some Army exhibitions, stay well clear of Vietnam. Still he refused. We can't imagine a star athlete in 2005 taking the same bold and principled stand as Ali.

DRUG STORY OF THE DAY

We journey today to Stamford, Conn., home of perhaps the stupidest addict in America.

John Re, 49, sold his home for $670,000. Cops say he then took the money and set up a crack-cocaine operation in a hotel room -- across the street from police HQ.

The Stamford Advocate gives us a taste:

Re rented a room at Stamford Suites on Bedford Street, where he and a friend were using butane torches to heat the powder into crack cocaine, police said.

Re does not appear to be a crack dealer, but he manufactured the crack and invited friends over to smoke it, said Lt. Jon Fontneau, head of the narcotics and organized crime squad.

Police obtained a search warrant for Re's room and knocked on his door at about 9 p.m. Monday, Fontneau said.

A woman looked through the peephole, turned around and screamed, "John, the cops are here!" Fontneau said.

Officers forced the door open and saw Re and 37-year-old Llewellyn Cumming scrambling to clean crack cocaine off a bed, police said.

At least 30 crack pipes and smoking tubes were scattered around the room, police said. Officers also saw several butane torches and empty butane tanks used to cook the powdered cocaine, Fontneau said.

Officers found 17.4 grams of powdered cocaine in a nightstand and smaller amounts of marijuana and crack cocaine on the television stand, Fontneau said.

Then someone else knocked on the door.

Duncan Hines, 46, of 45 Locust St. in Bridgeport, arrived with small amounts of crack cocaine and marijuana in plastic bags shoved between his socks and shoes, Fontneau said.

Police seized about $2,400 worth of drugs from the trio, they said.

Mercifully, Betty Crocker and Quaker Oats were not among those arrested.

IN THE MAILBOX

The Mailbox seeks your eyeballs.

An electronic version of the "nebulous, collective consciousness that soaks in news, pop culture, sports, media, government, hypocrisy, hilarity and any other random bit that's floating out there" is available in this world o' blogs.

Do some diving by clicking the monstrously long link in the above graf. Or click here. You will not regret this action.

ANOTHER DEMOCRAT GONE BAD

Name: Theodore Wells, Jr.

Occupation: Attorney

Current Gig: Representing Lewis "Scooter" Libby against perjury and obstruction of justice charges lodged by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald.

Skinny: Wells represented Mike Espy, an agriculture secretary under President Bill Clinton. During opening statements, Wells said Espy may have made mistakes -- but they weren't illegal. "It's not a crime to make a mistake," Wells said. Hints of the future?

Wells is a Democrat. At least he contributes to Democrats, according to Open Secrets. We did a looksee in the databases and found Wells has contributed to Barack Obama ($4,000) and John Kerry ($3,000), among other candidates.

Karl Rove and Rep. Tom DeLay both hired Democrats when they got into legal trouble. Libby now does the same thing.

COPERNICUS FOUND

Heliocentrism, like evolution, remains a theory. Speaking of remains: One of the guy's responsible for making us realize the Earth revolves around the Sun, and not vice versa, was apparently buried in a Polish cathedral. The Associated Press turns us on:

Polish archeologists believe they have located the grave of 16th-century astronomer and solar-system proponent Nicolaus Copernicus in a Polish church, one of the scientists announced Thursday.

Copernicus, who died in 1543 at 70 after challenging the ancient belief that the sun revolved around the earth, was buried at the Roman Catholic cathedral in the city of Frombork, 180 miles north of the capital, Warsaw.

Jerzy Gassowski, head of an archaeology and anthropology institute in Pultusk, central Poland, said his four-member team found what appears to be the skull of the Polish astronomer and clergyman in August, after a one-year search of tombs under the church floor.

"We can be almost 100 percent sure this is Copernicus," Gassowski told The Associated Press by phone after making the announcement during a meeting of scientists.

Gassowski said police forensic experts used the skull to reconstruct a face that closely resembled the features — including a broken nose and scar above the left eye — on a Copernicus self-portrait. The experts also determined the skull belonged to a man who died at about age 70.

The grave was in bad condition and not all remains were found, Gassowski said, adding that his team will try to find relatives of Copernicus to do more accurate DNA identification.

Now, oh Lord, set thy servant free. And while you're at it, God, please help enlighten the flat-earthers and geocentric types.

AARON BROWN SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES

At CNN, the big network that couldn't, it is Black Wednesday, a day to admit that all the high-minded talk of caring about Serious News was just so much bilgewater.

Aaron Brown is gone, suddenly sent shuffling off the "Newsnight" set because he "is very much looking forward to some well-deserved time off with his family.” That bit of quote is from CNN President Jon Klein, new recipient of a guaranteed ticket to Hell.

Klein announced on Wednesday:

[O]n a nightly basis, Aaron has provided our audiences with insight into the events of the United States and the world with eloquence and the highest journalist integrity.

Besides his stellar work as an anchor, Aaron stands as an absolutely brilliant writer, evident by the thoughtful perspective he injects into every story he touches.

Personally, I will miss Aaron and his wicked sense of humor. We cannot thank Aaron enough for the skills and professionalism he brought to CNN. Given his respect throughout the industry, there is no question that he will be missed.

Now please, don't let the door smack your eloquent, brilliant ass on the way out.

For viewers who care about news, Brown was a tremendous asset to CNN. Mediaweek reports that Anderson Cooper will replace Brown in the 9 p.m. Central slot. The all-powerful Wolf Blitzer will leave "The Situation Room" at 5 p.m. Central, take an hour break in the hyperbaric chamber while Lou Dobbs busts some balls, then come back, refreshed and ready to SHOUT his way through THE NEXT HOUR with you, LIVE, in THE SITUATION ROOM. God, what we'd give to see Jack Cafferty slap Wolf around. Probably explains why Jack's never allowed in The Situation Room, and is only seen via remote from some adjoining anteroom.

Anderson Cooper -- now there's a guy who needs a Jack Cafferty smackdown. During Hurricane Wilma we beseeched God at precisely 8:23 p.m. not to allow Cooper to gain more power -- and yet God did not hear our prayer; he's apparently in the Cooper camp, too. Damn the impish man and his friends in high places.

Cooper has been getting hot buzz for being the anchor of the future (another spurt from the mouth of Jon Klein). That certainly puts Brown in sharp contrast as the anchor of the past. Thoughtful, not necessarily emotional. Urbane, not whiny. Eloquent, not wordy. All the things that made Aaron Brown so good are liabilities on today's cable networks. Who needs thoughtful when frivolous will do?

MAN KILLS DEER WITH BARE HANDS

Wayne Goldsberry is a certified bad-ass.

The Arkansas man was visiting his daughter's home last week when a five-point buck jumped through a bedroom window and started thrashing about. According to The Associated Press, that's when things really got going:

Goldsberry entered the bedroom to confront the deer and, after a brief struggle, emerged to tell his wife to call police. After returning to the bedroom, the fight continued. Goldsberry finally was able to grip the animal and twist its neck, killing it.

"He was trying to get up a corner wall and I just came in behind him and grabbed him by the horns and just started pushing down," said Goldsberry.

Goldsberry, sore from the struggle, dragged the dead animal out of the house.

"He got kicked several times. He was walking bowlegged for awhile," Deputy Doug Gay said.

Benton County Sheriff Keith Ferguson said that when he arrived he found the deer dead in the front yard. Goldsberry intended to have the deer processed for its meat.

The fight took 40 minutes. A gun might have been quicker, but then Goldsberry wouldn't have had the satisfaction of breaking the deer's neck with his bare hands.

CANDIDATE WITHOUT A CLUE

Chris Fluharty wants to be a state representative in north Springfield. He's running as a Republican. But we're not sure any party will claim Fluharty, because someone people might think he's a loon.

Wednesday's News-Leader includes a letter from Fluharty, who seems stuck in the '50s (perhaps the 550s). In three short grafs he outlines a world view that is troubled, indeed:

Springfield, I implore you that it does not take a village to raise a child. Our public schools have already been transformed into government indoctrination centers, and now they want to get them even earlier. They hide all this in the guise of the public good.

What is good about the government raising your kids? If it is anything like the public schools they will probably tell them that there is no God but government, and only it can supply all your needs. You were not created but evolved from primordial sludge. Homosexuality is normal and should be tolerated by all. The world owes you a living so wait for them to provide it. This is supposed to keep kids out of trouble?

I normally disagree with Gov. Matt Blunt but he said it all at the Baptist Convention last week when he said Jesus Christ is our only hope. So I urge you to vote no to big government and encourage the city to drop the childhood development center and give it all to law enforcement next time around.

No to big government, unless it means law enforcement. No to primordial sludge, especially gay sludge. Can't wait to see Chris Fluharty on the campaign trail.

OFF-THE-RECORD NO MORE

A huge portion of the Traitorgate scandal involves reporters and their sources in the White House. Judith Miller of The New York Times took a stand on behalf of all journalists by serving more than 80 days for refusing to name her secret source. Sure, she ended up telling everything anyway, but that stretch in the pokey will make for one helluva book.

But when is it all right for reporters to out their sources? Death seems a reliable benchmark; Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein set that standard for Deep Throat. Had he not been outed by his daughter, Mark Felt would still be a mystery man.

Death, then. Once a source kicks the bucket a reporter should be able to disclose previous conversations that had been considered "off the record" or on background. Seems fair to everyone but the source, and hey, he's dead.

Newsweek, however, apparently sets a lower benchmark for outing its sources. The current issue includes Evan Thomas' piece on Lewis "Scooter" Libby, and it's there that Newsweek doled out a juicy morsel from Off The Record Land:

At a 2003 Christmas party at the home of Vanity Fair journalist Christopher Hitchens, Libby spent more than a half hour arguing with a NEWSWEEK reporter that hijacker Muhammad Atta had met with an Iraqi intelligence agent in Prague before 9/11. By then, the claim had been publicly debunked by both the FBI and the CIA. During the conversation with the reporter, Libby repeatedly questioned the CIA's competence and objectivity. When he was finished, he suggested, in a flattering way, that the reporter think about joining the CIA, presumably on the theory that the agency needed A Few Good Men.

Let's see ... Christmas party at Hitchens' joint, reporters rubbing elbows with sources, lots of drinks (it is Hitchens' party, after all) ... we're willing to go out on a limb and guess this little shindig was off the record. Kinda like Vegas, but with better conversation.

Did Lewis give a waiver so Newsweek could report on an anecdote from a two-year-old party? Doubt it. Guess the high-minded principle of protecting a source no longer applies when the source is looking at 30 years in prison.

HOW TO GROW OLD IN ONE EASY LESSON

Stop listening to new music.

Easy, innit? Just turn a deaf ear to fresh songs, challenging artists, and before you know it you're ready for death -- or, even worse, the living hell of being old.

You know the type. They say they're listening to new music, but when you reach for the CD you find out it's the new Rod Stewart -- or maybe it's worse, the latest collection of tracks from Michael Bolton -- and you have to restrain the urge to set fire to their tune collection and break every radio in their house so they can't listen to the adult-contemporary station.

We have friends (a surprise, sure, but not the point) who are afraid to listen to Gorillaz, scared to put on some Fall Out Boy, terrified to try Akon or T-Pain. To which we ask: what the hell is wrong with you, anyway? When did you get so old?

Oldies are not always goodies. Starland Vocal Band and Air Supply prove the past is full of drivel. Going back there only increases your chances of being hit in the head by something truly terrible, like "Rocky" by Austin Roberts.

Our blog bud Le Marmot has written about her own lust for music and the impact it has on life:

I've never understood how one could get bogged down in one type of music. From the time I was old enough to strap on my Dad's gargantuan headphones and listen to his worn reel to reel tapes, everything from the Carpenter's to the Beatles, I've been an audiophile. It never mattered to me what genre I was listening to, as long as the music was good. Perhaps I'm schizoid, but I prefer to think of it as being a Renaissance music lover.

Or, as Albert Einstein said, "I live my daydreams in music." So go, scoop up some iTunes, expand your head. Daydream.

GRANDMA NOT THE BEST BABYSITTER

Neighbors in Aurora, Colo., say Carol Lynn Pappas, 52, was an oddball. But they never thought she was violent.

On Saturday, Pappas was alone with her 21-month-old granddaughter. She called 911. Police arrived. According to The Denver Channel:

When officers arrived at her home, [Pappas] at first refused to open the front door but when she did, they found that her hands were covered with blood and she was still holding a cordless phone, Aurora police said.

The toddler had been stabbed several times, cops say. "A horrible mess," Aurora police Sgt. Rudy Herrera said, quoting a fellow officer.

Click here to read more of the story, and to check out Pappas' mugshot. It'll weird you out.

TOP AL-QAEDA ESCAPES FROM U.S. CUSTODY

The word "convenient" doesn't even begin to describe this little story. The Associated Press reports:

A man once considered a top al-Qaida operative escaped from a U.S.-run detention facility in Afghanistan and cannot testify against the soldier who allegedly mistreated him, a defense lawyer involved in a prison abuse case said Tuesday.

Omar al-Farouq was one of Osama bin Laden's top lieutenants in Southeast Asia until Indonesian authorities captured him in the summer of 2002 and turned him over to the United States.

A Pentagon official in Washington confirmed Tuesday evening that al-Farouq escaped from a U.S. detention facility in Bagram, Afghanistan, on July 10. The official spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the information.

An Army lawyer for Sgt. Alan J. Driver, a reservist accused of abusing Bagram detainees, asked Tuesday where al-Farouq was and what the Army had done to find him in time for Driver's court proceedings.

Capt. John B. Parker, a prosecutor, said al-Farouq and three others escaped from the Bagram detention center and have not been found.

"If we find him ... we will make him available," Parker said.

Nearly four months later, and we still can't find four escaped prisoners. Exactly how hard is the U.S. looking for Omar al-Farouq?

UNGRATEFUL SEAL MAIMS RESCUER

From Reuters:

A seal bit off a South African woman's nose after she tried to help it back into the sea, an official said Monday.

Elsie van Tonder, 49, is expected to undergo surgery this week after being bitten on a beach near George, about 240 miles east of Cape Town Saturday.

Her nose was found but could not be reattached to her face, local media reported.

"The seal had been lying in the same spot since Friday, so the lady and a few other people were trying to take it back to the water," said Herman Oosthuizen, a marine biologist with the Department of Environmental Affairs.

"The young female seal then bit her in the face."

Cape Fur Seals are common on South African shores and many have become accustomed to humans. They are a popular tourist attraction and can be viewed playing in the sea by Cape Town's waterfront.

But they can be dangerous and sometimes attack people who venture too close, especially in fishing harbors where they come into close contact with fishermen offloading their catch.

"It's a predator, it's got vicious teeth and if it bites you in the wrong place, it could kill you," Oosthuizen said.

Next time, the charismatic animal gets left on the beach.