PAST BLASTS, REVIVED

A couple bullets for your Sunday:

•A reporter has tracked down Adolf Hitler's nephew -- to America. Here's a graf from David Gardner's Telegraph story about Hitler's nephew and his offspring:

I was to discover that the Hitler bloodline was carried on through William Patrick's four sons - one of whom died in a road accident in 1989 - and that the brothers had decided in a remarkable pact not to have children themselves in order that Adolf Hitler's genes would die with them.

•The Daily Mail has the story of Sen. John McCain's first wife, Carol, and how she became a former. Suffice to say it doesn't flatter the GOP presidential candidate. After he returned home from a Vietnamese prison, he kicked her to the curb for a prettier model:

Ross Perot, who paid her medical bills all those years ago, now believes that both Carol McCain and the American people have been taken in by a man who is unusually slick and cruel – even by the standards of modern politics.

"McCain is the classic opportunist. He’s always reaching for attention and glory," he said.

"After he came home, Carol walked with a limp. So he threw her over for a poster girl with big money from Arizona. And the rest is history."

Is John McCain history, too? Not a chance.

FOOLS ON PARADE

Fool No. 1: Tim Couch, a Kentucky lawmaker who wants to make anonymous online posting illegal. As WTVQ reports:

The bill would require anyone who contributes to a website to register their real name, address and e-mail address with that site. Their full name would be used anytime a comment is posted.

If the bill becomes law, the website operator would have to pay if someone was allowed to post anonymously on their site. The fine would be five-hundred dollars for a first offense and one-thousand dollars for each offense after that.

Representative Couch says he filed the bill in hopes of cutting down on online bullying. He says that has especially been a problem in his Eastern Kentucky district.

Fool No. 2: Microsoft. Vista is now $130, down 30 bucks from its release price -- because so few people "upgraded" from Windows XP. As The New York Times notes:

XP users have heard too many chilling stories from relatives and friends about Vista upgrades that have gone badly. The graphics chip that couldn’t handle Vista’s whizzy special effects. The long delays as it loaded. The applications that ran at slower speeds. The printers, scanners and other hardware peripherals, which work dandily with XP, that lacked the necessary software, the drivers, to work well with Vista.

Microsoft faces a class-action lawsuit for claiming many computers were "Vista Capable" when they weren't.

Fool No. 3: Matt Gonzalez, vice presidential candidate. He's running with Ralph Nader. The Monitor reports on a Gonzalez riff during a student forum in Texas:

"Don't vote for us if you don't want to. Vote for Barack Obama, vote for Hillary Clinton, vote for John McCain, vote for who you're comfortable voting for," [Gonzalez] said. "(Change is) not going to happen, because they represent the same. They are the same."

Nader peddled this lie in 2000, claiming Al Gore and George W. Bush were the same. Anyone still believe it?

BELATED HO-HO-HO

Sorry for the week off. Really sorry, because the week off involved no frolicking, no debauchery -- none of the holiday spirit we know and love so well.

Besides, we missed a lot of stuff. So it's off to the bullets, Batman:

•Santa Claus was captured in Los Angeles over the weekend, pulled over for driving drunk. Some sort of Claus, at least. As the Los Angeles Times notes:

The driver -- 6-foot-4 and 280 pounds -- was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving, in this case a misdemeanor, police said. In addition to a red Santa hat, he wore a blond wig, red lace camisole, purple G-string, black leg warmers and black shoes.

"We are pretty sure this is not the Santa Claus," Deputy Chief Ken Garner said.

But only pretty sure, because this is L.A. and all things are possible at Christmas.

•Jamie Lynn Spears turns up pregnant and says her boyfriend is the father. But he (18) had apparently kicked Spears (16) to the curb, and now rumors are flying that the boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, isn't good for the deed. The reputed real dad? An older exec on Spears' show, Zoey 101. As Show Biz Spy notes:

“Jamie Lynn has been working on Zoey since she was 13,” one of the sources said. “In Hollywood, little girls grow up fast, and she is no exception.

“With everything that has gone on in her family, she needed someone to look up to.

“But the man she found seems to have completely taken advantage of her.”

Another family source added: “Some of us have doubts as to the legitimacy of the claim that Casey is the father."

All of this makes Britney look almost responsible. Almost.

•Canada's prime minister, Stephen Harper, knows his world leaders. According to Reuters, Harper took the time to inform journalists that the Dalai Lama is not a hooker:

"I met the Dalai Lama in my office but I meet everyone in my office. I don't know why I would sneak off to a hotel room just to meet the Dalai Lama. You know, he's not a call girl," Harper told OMNI television.

Now that that's cleared up, the world can return to its normal orbit. All better now, Linus.

THINGS WORTH READING

Biden on the stump: Friday's New York Times piece on Joe Biden's campaign is a keeper, if only for the back story of Biden's life. Check this graf:

“Let me tell you a little story,” Mr. Biden told the crowd at the University of Iowa. “I got elected (in 1972) when I was 29, and I got elected November the 7th. And on Dec. 18 of that year, my wife and three kids were Christmas shopping for a Christmas tree. A tractor-trailer, a guy who allegedly — and I never pursued it — drank his lunch instead of eating his lunch, broadsided my family and killed my wife instantly, and killed my daughter instantly, and hospitalized my two sons, with what were thought to be at the time permanent, fundamental injuries.”

He won't win the Democratic nomination, but he knows his foreign policy. And he's one of the few candidates who actually seems human.

Babies know best: Check out this Christian Science Monitor story about a Yale study on infant development. Fascinating grafs:

The study released last month presented babies with a diorama-like display of an anthropomorphic circle struggling to make it up a hill. Just when it appeared that all hope was lost, a heroic triangle appeared, and pushed the circle to the top. The round climber bounces, clearly elated to have reached the summit. The same scenario is played out again, only this time a square appears at the top of the hill and pushes the circle to the bottom.

The babies were then asked to pick a toy – the helper or the hinderer, as scientists called them. One hundred percent of 6-month-olds and 87.5 percent of 10-month-olds chose the helper. The results were consistent even when the triangle and the square swapped places as good guy and bad guy. In several other iterations of the experiment, the helper, regardless of shape or color, won out.

Our take #1: It's all downhill after six months. Take #2: It's true that good guys always win. To identify good guys, wait until someone wins.

Failure is not an option: Students at Central Park East High School in East Harlem, N.Y. are not doing well. Many are failing. The solution? Dumb it down. As WCBS reports:

Last month, Principal Bennett Lieberman sent off a stern memo to teachers.

"If you are not passing more than 65 percent of your students in a class, then you are not designing your expectations to meet their abilities, and you are setting your students up for failure, which, in turn, limits your success as a professional."

Numbing dumbing never solved anything.

DINING WITH THE MOUTHPIECES

We had the chance this week to dine with PIOs -- public information officers serving the city, county, school district, the zoo, Ozarks Greenways and the convention and visitors bureau (if we left out anyone, mea culpa).

Purpose of the lunch: Get to know us! "Us" being three local bloggers, including the chief typist of this joint, the guy from Life of Jason and the fella who runs Branson Edge.

Seems official types want to do more outreach to bloggers, part of the continuing shift away from mainstream media-only access. It's a solid idea; expect to see more original reporting from local bloggers, as they slowly gain parity with their professional typing peers.

Thanks to Jason and the Edgeman for their input, and to the PIOs who suffered us without much grumbling.

POCKET FULL OF SHELLS

The kind with round bullets:

•Back in those goofy '80s, Joan Van Ark was a cougar. Now she's something altogether different. Check out Van Ark's current look.

•We wish happy birthday to the woman who created CHATTER. Jo Ann Davis turned 80 on Dec. 3 -- sharing a birthday, we note, with Andy Williams (also 80) and Ozzy Osbourne, who turned 59. Now we know that Mom rocks.

•And happy 19th anniversary to actor Gary Busey, who smacked his skull in a motorcycle accident on Dec. 4, 1988.

SUNDAY GRAFS

•Guilty eyeball pleasure No. 1: This Vanity Fair article about Lou Pearlman, the man who made 'NSync and Backstreet Boys into household names. VF has sources claiming Pearlman enjoyed more than music from pretty boys:

Some, especially the teenagers, shrugged and giggled when he showed them pornographic movies or jumped naked onto their beds in the morning to wrestle and play. Others, it appears, didn't get off so easily. These were the young singers seen emerging from his bedroom late at night, buttoning their pants, sheepish looks on their faces. Some deny anything improper ever happened. But the parents of at least one, a member of the Backstreet Boys, complained. And for any number of young men who sought to join the world's greatest boy bands, Big Poppa's attentions were an open secret, the price some paid for fame.

"Some guys joked about it; I remember [one singer] asking me, 'Have you let Lou blow you yet?'" says Steve Mooney, an aspiring singer who served as Pearlman's assistant and lived in his home for two years. "I would absolutely say the guy was a sexual predator. All the talent knew what Lou's game was. If they say no, they're lying to you."

Pearlman's denying the whole thing, of course, but he's also awaiting trial for allegedly milking investors out of $300 million in a Ponzi scheme.

•Guilty eyeball pleasure No. 2: Tony Messenger's Sunday column in the News-Leader. It's about the hilarity that ensues when a radio personality is gulled into believing that the operator of a flophouse coulda woulda shoulda been in contention for a luxury hotel project next to the convention center. Best Messenger line to savor: They got part of the story almost right.

•Guilty ear pleasure: Chamillionaire's Ultimate Victory. Check "The Evening News":

We still haven't found Pac's killer, still haven't found Biggie's either,
30 minutes into the case they got tired and took a breather,
Snoop Dogg just got arrested, everyday he get a new subpoena,
Innocent when murder was the case so the prosecution got a middle finger,
Hip-Hop is sweeping the nation, but the contents seem so degrading,
Most rappers got new albums that white kids are anticipating,
If you don't like it on the radio or the television then switch the station,
Flavor Flav get a lot of ratings, Bill O'Reilly somewhere is hating,
Kanye just said WHAT? the president ain't got time for that,
The White House is going to stay white even tho' we know Obama's black,
9/11 was a calculation, and some would say it was a timed attack,
He gave a speech on CNN, "They bombed us, now we're bombing back,"
Where the heck is Osama at?

•Guilty dirty pirate hooker mouth pleasure: Caribou Coffee Snack Bars, the crack cocaine of granola bars. Or so sayeth the KB, and the man knows his granola bars.

STRAY LIGHTS

Jesus, where did the time go? We sit down to type, it's Thursday. We look up again and the weekend is over. Time to clean out the e-box and pass along some of the shells in our pocket:

•A shocked reader (self-proclaimed shock, and we have no reason to doubt it) points us to this News-Leader story with the instant classic hed:

Noon event to discuss lesbian oral history

Not as good as

Licking girls take titles

but pretty close.

•The New York Post says writer and permanent grouch Christopher Hitchens last week had a "full male Brazilian bikini wax," described as

the back, the crack and the sack.

Not being blessed with a hairy back -- damn the bad luck -- we conjure an image of a drunk Hitchens taking a deep pull from a fag while experiencing the bliss that is a smooth scrotum.

•Gawker clues us in on the worst parents ever, the improbably named Muffie Potter Aston and her husband, Sherrell Aston. The power couple have named their twins Bracie and Ashleigh. Nothing against Ashleigh (or Ashley, or Ashli -- or even Ashlii) -- but Bracie? No one will fault the child if she decides a Menendez moment is in order.

Life is strange right now. We never doubted it would be this way.

SATURDAY THIS, THAT, T'OTHER

For you, a pocketful of shells:

•Be sure and visit Life of Jason. Good guy, good blog, different perspective. As the poet-philosopher Rodney King might say, let's all just get along.

•The radio board belonging to Art Morris has a boffo thread going. Topic: When should a radio newsroom help a radio personality?

•First Michael Vick (sorry, Dustin), now Earl Simmons, better known as rapper/actor DMX. KPNX reports that police raided DMX's home in Maricopa County and seized several pit bulls. They also found the remains of three other dogs on the property. One of the dead dogs had been burned.

•Is Fidel Castro dead? That's the rumor for Saturday.

Go and fight the bulls on parade.

A SLIGHT PAUSE IN THE PROCEEDINGS

We haven't been far from a computer screen, but other stuff involving burp clothes and onesies has kept us away from Blogistan. Sorry for the pause. Hope it refreshed.

Regular posting will resume soon. Just checking in right now to let you know, courtesy of the Borneo News:

A crocodile believed to have attacked Sannga Megong, a worker at an oil palm plantation in Sungai Sebeba last month, was caught and killed by villagers here on Sunday. Human bones, hair and parts of a skull were found in the belly of the seven-metre long beast, which was caught in Sungai Similajau, about 100 metres from the location of the May 11 attack.

A Sarawak Forestry Corporation spokesman, however, said it could not be confirm whether the crocodile was the one which attacked Sannga, 31. "We will send the bones and hair for analysis to determine whether the crocodile is the one which killed Sannga."

The two-tonne beast was caught after it swallowed bait set by locals. The SFC spokesman said two other giant crocodiles had been spotted along the river.

Nothing like a 23-foot-long crocodile to put the food chain in the proper perspective.

BLOG FLOGGING

Congrats to David Catanese and the kids at the KY3 Political Notebook for celebrating one year in Blogistan. A thousand posts later, and David's skin is still so smooth. How does he do it?

Added to the CHATTERWORTHY blogroll:

•Buried Secret, an oddity.

•They're Here Already, from Dr. Miles Bennell.

•Not Right About Anything, from Ian McGibboney. Despite his insistence that Bob Barker is "every bit the cool, nice man everyone says he is," McGibboney keeps a boffo blog.

And while we're at it, be sure to stop by Michelle Sherwood's blog. She's lactose-intolerant, in case you didn't know. But you can still buy her ice cream.

THURSDAY BULLETS

•James Dobson, the leader of Focus on the Family, figuratively tried to kill Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani on Thursday. Dobson said:

Is Rudy Giuliani presidential timber? I think not. Can we really trust a chief executive who waffles and feigns support for policies that run contrary to his alleged beliefs? Of greater concern is how he would function in office. Will we learn after it is too late just what the former mayor really thinks? What we know about him already is troubling enough.

And then Dobson delivered the kicker:

"If given a Hobson's – Dobson's? – choice between him and Sens. Hillary Clinton or Barrack Obama, I will either cast my ballot for an also-ran – or if worse comes to worst – not vote in a presidential election for the first time in my adult life. My conscience and my moral convictions will allow me to do nothing else."

•PBS dumps a right-wing guest after viewer complaints. Melanie Morgan appeared May 8 on the NewsHour with Jim Lehrer. Linda Winslow, executive producer of the show, said Morgan is now persona non grata:

"We can’t do much to eliminate rude guests from your television screen once the segment has begun," said Winslow. "What we can do is guarantee you will never see that person on our program again."

•The Justice Department wanted to fire more than 25 U.S. attorneys, not just the eight that got canned late last year. This, according to the Washington Post. At least one local blogger bemoans the lack of local media coverage and wonders why this blog hasn't tackled the scandal because of its Missouri angles. More to come, and soon.

MORE FALLOUT FROM VIRGINIA TECH

•Local authorities wasted no time in exploiting the Virginia Tech shootings. Karl William Forge, a 42-year-old instructor at the Ozarks Technical Community College's Richwood Valley campus, is charged with making a terroristic threat. According to the charge filed in Christian County, Forge walked into his classroom on April 18, held his briefcase to his chest and said he was a suicide bomber. Forge said it was a joke and apologized, but authorities were not mollified.

There is no evidence that Forge was serious. None. David Southard, a detective with the Ozark Police Department, filed a probable cause statement that acknowledged:

I requested permission from Forge to search his residence and briefcase to look for any items, which could be used in making an explosive device. We were granted permission by Forge to search his residence, and nothing was located to make us consider an explosive device was possible. ...

Forge informed me he was preparing his class at OTC-Richwood Valley Campus for a test which he felt the students were nervous for, so he decided to make a comic relief and to lighten the mood of the class. Forge informed, while holding his briefcase to his chest, he informed the class he was a suicide bomber. Forge informed he immediately felt bad about the joke, and did not remember what he said immediately afterwards, but informed he wanted to say something to the effect that the exam in his briefcase was a bomb. Forge informed at that time one of his students make the comment that his statement was inappropriate, especially because of the events which recently occurred at Virginia Technical College, and Forge informed he agreed with the student.

No joke: Forge faces up to seven years in prison.

•Steven Grant, a Colorado minister, says Cho Seung-Hui killed 32 people because the Bible has been banned from public schools. Grant writes in an op-ed in the Greeley Tribune:

The shooter at Virginia Tech was a madman. However, he had also been raised on a solid diet of secular humanism which teaches no moral absolutes. "If it feels good, do it," is one of the many mantras he ingested. Consequently he did what felt good, and innocent people died as a result. Today, we cannot condemn his actions unless we judge what we fed him as a society. What we sow, we also reap. And we will continue to have a bloody harvest until we return to what we know worked to make America great as a nation in the generations before us; the culture, training, and absolute morality of the Christian faith and our Savior Jesus Christ.

•Cho hired a hooker -- pardon us, an escort -- last month. WSLS reports that Chastity Frye was interviewed by cops over the weekend. She said Cho was "creeping her out" and she claims she didn't have sex with him. From the story:

"I danced for a little while and I thought we were done because he got up and went to the restroom and began washing. And I said, 'well, do you want me to go? I'm going to go ahead and go'. And he's like, 'I paid for the full hour, you've only been here for 15 minutes,' and then he came back in the room. And I started dancing and that's when he you know, touched me and tried to get on me and that's when I pushed him away."

Mmm-hmm. Frye says cops voiced their usual probing questions:

"Well, they asked me what happened, and then they asked me if anything stuck out."

A hooker named Chastity says she didn't have sex with a paying client. The insanity lingers.

SATURDAY, BRIEFLY

•George Wesley Helms was a police officer in Hutto, Texas. Now he's just an accused perv. The 35-year-old cop is charged with sexual performance of a child, according to the Austin American Statesman. Helms was working as a resource officer at Hutto High School when he reportedly took several pics of a 16-year-old student. The next day she shows up at his office:

This time, according to court documents, Helms put a chair in front of his office door and asked the girl to remove her shirt, bra and pants.

He then photographed her topless and gave her $50 "to induce her to stay a little longer," the affidavit states.

The story does not say whether coats were pulled off and thrown in a corner.

•Chang Po-yu, a veterinarian, was just doing his job this week at the Shaoshan Zoo in Taiwan. His job, in this case, was retrieving a tranquilizer dart from a 440-pound Nile crocodile. Unfortunately, Chang didn't notice that the croc wasn't zonked; Chang stuck his arm through a rail. The croc was not amused. There is good news: Doctors were able to reattach Chang's arm. Click here for the picture. It's gruesome, horrible, unbelievable -- in other words, man, click that link.

•By popular demand: A reader wanted to see photos of Phil Spector, the music producer accused of shooting a woman in the face. Here's a snap of Spector when he was a genius, and almost sane. This is when he decided to sport an old-school 'fro. And this is his current Fifth Beatle 'do. Go and style no more.

TUESDAY BRIEFS

•The Tennessee home that once belonged to Johnny Cash has burned to the ground. The BBC reports that the lakeside home -- where Cash and his wife, June Carter Cash, lived from 1968 until their deaths in 2003 -- burned Tuesday "while renovations were being carried out for its new owner, Bee Gee Barry Gibb." Music-video fans will remember the home's interior, used for Cash's 2002 hit, "Hurt." It may be a Nine Inch Nails original, but that Cash vid gets to us every time.

•Thank God It's Over, For Now: Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. Howard K. Stern, Smith's attorney, now fades into obscurity (a girl can hope, can't she?). Dannielynn is the heir to Smith's earthly possessions -- that is, unless her 6-year-old son (and his father) can lay a credible claim.

•Wall of Witnesses: At his upcoming murder trial, music producer Phil Spector will watch several women testify that he brandished guns around them. Tuesday, a judge ruled that Spector's ex-girlfriend can testify the producer held a gun to her forehead and threatened to shoot her if she left his mansion. The judge had already OK'd testimony from four other women who said Spector was all about waving guns around and acting like a potentially homicidal maniac. Spector, 67, is charged with murder in the shooting death of Lana Clarkson, shot in the head in the foyer of Spector's L.A. home in 2003.

IDIOCY X 3

Evidence of the decline:

•In a fascinating letter to the editor in Friday's News-Leader, Dick Clark of Springfield fumes:

When you editorialize that the school should have complied with Soulforce's request, you are taking sides.

Hey, Dick: it's an editorial.

•Talibdin El-Amin, a Democratic state rep from St. Louis, wants to make it harder to buy baking soda. According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, El-Amin has introduced a bill putting baking soda behind the counter because it's used to make crack cocaine.

•A new Newsweek poll shows almost half of Americans (48 percent) reject "the scientific theory of evolution." Three in four evangelical Protestants say "God created humans in their present form within the last 10,000 years."

SIT, SWING, SNORT

•Hello: Ron Howard's couch is for sale on eBay. To quote the seller: "Just think of all the famous butts that graced this fine piece of Americana!" The sectional came from Howard's offices at Imagine.

•Local swingers are dressing up (or down) for the upcoming wedding of Jim and Terria double_d. Special "after party rooms" have been set up at the Lamplighter Inn North; an invite to the festivities, passed along by an exceptional source, urges us to "make sure to tell them you're with The 'Party' Club to get the special room rate of $54.99." Apparently some people in Springfield are upset that this sort of event is happening here.

•Keith Richards, you rascal. The 63-year-old musician and enjoyer of recreational drugs told NME: "The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared ... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

GOING, GOING, GONZALEZ

The White House is ditching Alberto Gonzalez, according to Politico.com. But quietly, because only last week President Bush's people were saying they hoped Gonzalez would stay, though Bushologists know a vote of confidence from The Man is the kiss of death; ask Michael "Brownie" Brown or Donald "Fantastic Job" Rumsfeld.

Our bet to replace him: Michael Chertoff, secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. His distinction? Bill Clinton ousted every U.S. Attorney when he took office -- save for Chertoff. He's got coin with Democrats in Congress and Bush can't afford any confirmation fight. Only Gonzalez stands in the way of making it happen.

FRIDAY FREE RIDE

A bunch of bullets to take you into the weekend:

•Regarding our earlier post on George Brett's missing head: Said head has been located, according to the News-Leader, in a ditch near Camdenton. The news just makes its own jokes, doesn't it?

•We've been busy doing work for the Doug Harpool campaign. A 100-second video biography of the candidate can be found here at YouTube. A higher resolution version of the vid resides here.

•There's hope for the future. New Scientist reports that solar activity will srcew the GPS pooch in 2011:

A study reveals Global Positioning System receivers to be unexpectedly vulnerable to bursts of radio noise produced by solar flares, created by explosions in the Sun's atmosphere.

When solar activity peaks in 2011 and 2012, it could cause widespread disruption to aircraft navigation and emergency location systems that rely heavily on satellite navigation data.

Once it's disrupted, ditch the OnStar and head for the hills. They won't be able to track you.

ROUND BULLETS

Four of them on this Thursday, as we retool and prepare for the end of summer:

•Nine years ago, Diana Spencer died in a car crash.

•The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette lets us known that pervs exist in every facet of society. Including the worlds of law enforcement and college administration.

•In New Smyrna Beach, Fla., some dude gets his jollies by tickling women. On their feet. While they're sleeping. By the way, he's also naked. WFTV has the freaky details.

•The U.S. Army meets its retention goal for the year, according to The Associated Press. How? Showing the money, baby; according to The AP, the Army paid "an average bonus of $14,000, to eligible soldiers, for a total of $610 million in extra payments."

How's you?