GLENN FORD, 90

Smitty gets the point for informing us that Glenn Ford is dead. Though he was watching JJ when he caught the news, so perhaps it's a half-point to each.

Best bit to know about Ford, courtesy of the BBC:

An action man both on and off screen, he later took up hang-gliding at the age of 64 and got married for the fourth time at 76.

There is hope for all of us yet.

ROUND BULLETS

Four of them on this Thursday, as we retool and prepare for the end of summer:

•Nine years ago, Diana Spencer died in a car crash.

•The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette lets us known that pervs exist in every facet of society. Including the worlds of law enforcement and college administration.

•In New Smyrna Beach, Fla., some dude gets his jollies by tickling women. On their feet. While they're sleeping. By the way, he's also naked. WFTV has the freaky details.

•The U.S. Army meets its retention goal for the year, according to The Associated Press. How? Showing the money, baby; according to The AP, the Army paid "an average bonus of $14,000, to eligible soldiers, for a total of $610 million in extra payments."

How's you?

DUMB VS. DUMBER

Ike Skelton will, of course, win another term to Congress in Missouri's 4th District. He's being challenged by Jim Noland -- again -- and this fourth match-up will end the same way the first three did, with Skelton crushing Noland.

But that doesn't give either gentlemen a pass for some genuinely boneheaded remarks made to Dave Catanese, KYTV's political reporter. KY3's Political Notebook includes examples of why Skelton and Noland need a good spanking.

First, from Skelton, this exchange with Catanese on Iran:

When I asked Skelton if he would in any way support surgical airstrikes in parts of Iran believed to have nuclear weapons or facilities, he signaled he didn't want to talk about that.

"We don't talk about that. We hope that doesn't come to pass," Skelton replied.

When I pressed Skelton on why this topic wasn't relevant for discussion, he stopped me. "Did you hear what I said?," Skelton asked.

"We don't want to even think about that because Iran could very well be a tinderbox. I hope we can handle this Iranian problem diplomatically. It's going to be difficult but we don't need another war."

La la la, click my heels and let's not talk about it. Shameful.

Noland fares no better. Asked about the war in Iraq, Noland talked about the terrorists who "knock[ed] those towers down." Catanese called him on the misdirection; Noland said it didn't matter because "terrorists are terrorists."

And then he really started eating his own foot:

We had a different policy in World War Two than we have today. People are much freer about speaking out. We say we can't do anything about illegal aliens. Let me tell you for sure, these people were not even illegal and they weren't aliens but President Roosevelt went around and he picked up every transit, every person that was un-American in any way and put them in camps. And they stayed there until the war was over.

Is Noland saying it was good to round up Americans and put them in camps, just because they happened to be Japanese? Hope not.

COPS OPEN DOUGHNUT SHOP

Names: Tom and Jim Evans. The latter is a Chicago police detective. Tom works the North Side as a cop. They're retiring and wanted to start a business. They're opening a Dunkin' Donuts in Libertyville, Ill. The Daily-Tribune reports:

Yes, the cops and doughnut jokes get stale. Although they've heard it a million times, the Evans brothers shrug off the inevitable observations. In this case, it could be a competitive advantage.

"We're not shying away from it," Tom said. "It doesn't bother us - we're a bunch of jokers anyway. It actually works in our favor."

For the record, police officers aren't at those places for the food, he said.

"It's not so much the doughnuts. You're on midnights, it's been a long day, you want to sit down someplace and have a hot cup of coffee."

Not so much the doughnuts?

JET 1, GLIDER 0

A private jet collided with a glider on Monday. Guess who won? KOLO-TV has the story:

Authorities say the jet was traveling at 300 knots when it collided with the glider over Douglas County about 3 p.m. Monday.

They say the pilot and his crew had to make an emergency landing without landing gear at the Carson Airport. They had just received clearance from the tower to descend to 12,000 feet.

The plan has received major damage to the nose of the aircraft, and it is not known if it is the result of impact to the glider or the ground upon landing.

Sheriff's Deputies say he sustained non-life threatening injuries ... miraculously, the co-pilot and three passengers on board were not hurt.

News Channel 8 has learned the aircraft is a Hawker 800-XP, which is a fixed-wing, multi-engine turbo jet.

The plane belongs to Mecox Ventures Incorporated out of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

Officials say the pilot left Los Angeles sometime Monday afternoon, and was on its way to Reno.

The condition of the glider and its occupant(s) is not known, and search crews continue to search for the missing craft in the Pine Nut Mountains. Crews from Carson City, Douglas, Lyon and Washoe Counties have joined efforts in the search.

Getting hit by a jet at 300 knots while gliding more than two miles in the air? Not the way to go.

BARNEY'S BIG PURPLE ONE

The movies "Romancing the Bone" and "Gum Me Bare" have nothing on the porn knockoff of Barney.

The Village News in Fallbrook, Calif., ran this interesting letter to the editor earlier this month:

I took my family out to Daniel’s for groceries. I have a 6-year-old daughter who learned how to read from the Barney and Friends book series. As we stepped out of the family van, she was very excited to see a Barney movie being advertised on the Daniel’s Market lit sign. She said, “Look, Daddy, a Barney movie!” I couldn’t see it, so she guided my eyes to the vulgar obscenity arranged there on the sign. "Look! Up there! Barney’s p***s!" I was shocked when I saw the words arranged on the sign. I quickly averted her eyes and escorted her into the store.

Since then, she has not stopped mentioning Barney’s p***s. This has shaken the bedrock of our family. I made an emergency call to our church’s pastor about this bombshell in my daughter’s life and he is unsure how it will affect her future.

This sort of sick joke is typical of unlawful teenagers across the country, but I just didn’t think the little town of Fallbrook was home to such hoodlums. I am frightened for my daughter’s future; she won’t stop bringing up this horrible movie title! I would like Daniel’s Market to apologize for traumatizing my daughter, and I would like the pranksters to know just how vile their criminal act was.

Brookfield, Mo., used to have a Sinclair gasoline station, with a large Dino painted on the side of the building. Every so often someone would add a package to Dino. We should have made a video.

NO CHARGE IN RAMSEY SLAY CASE

As if you couldn't see this one coming from a distance. CNN reports that John Mark Karr won't be charged in the 1996 slaying of Jon Benet Ramsey.

Reason? No DNA match. The warrant for Karr's arrest has been withdrawn; he's likely to go free. Karr still faces sentencing on misdemeanor child-porn charges in California. The phrase "circle jerk" comes to mind, and not in a good way.

CRAZY FOR BBQ

We've heard of parties like this one. From The Local, in Sweden, a report of a meat party gone awry:

Inga-Mai Björkman, her partner, and his brother were having a relaxing BBQ dinner in their summer house near Mora when the guest from hell arrived.

The neighbour drank and drank until he was asked to leave the party.

They thought the 46-year-old guest had given up and gone home.

"I asked him nicely to go home," said one of the guests. "Instead he sat on his four-wheeled motor bike and drove over the lawn furniture and a house camper. My partner and the house owner were forced to run for their lives around the garden."

This time they really thought the man had given up.

"It was just luck that I saw him on his tractor and was able to yell for everybody to run out (of the cabin)," said a guest, according to Aftonbladet.

"They were just able to make it out; otherwise several of them would have been crushed. The wooden beams flew through the room."

After the man hit the cabin with his tractor once, he backed up and gassed it for another go.:

The main course was reindeer steaks.

WEEKEND STRAYS

Sorry for the paucity of posts. Lots going on that's keeping us from the keyboard. Good stuff, really. We'll get back into the swing now that Springfield Public Schools is back in session.

Briefly:

•Wes Wester, a recent addition to the morning show on KWTO-AM, died Sunday evening, apparently of natural causes. He was 48.

•Katherine Harris, the GOP congresswoman who wants to be a U.S. Senator, told a Baptist newspaper that U.S. politics would be much better if only Christians were in office:

"If you are not electing Christians, tried and true, under public scrutiny and pressure, if you're not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin."

Given the large population of Jewish voters in Florida, this was not a wise move.

•We're looking forward to the publication of a new magazine in Springfield. STIM is set to go to press sometime in September; we'll let you know the precise date when copies hit the street. Yes, we have a piece scheduled for the first issue, but that's not why we're blurbing the mag. The more publications in Springfield, the better.

HELLO, HOW DID YOU DIE?

The New York Post has the details in this slay story:

Cops are looking for two mystery men who visited a prominent gay public-relations executive days before he was found dead Monday, strangled in his own bed.

Martin Barreto, 49, a former aide to then-Mayor Rudy Giuliani, was discovered naked with KY Jelly and a condom next to his body, authorities said. ...

Officials are looking into whether his crushed larynx was the result of rough sex gone horribly wrong.

Or just, you know, from a typical strangling.

MAYNARD FERGUSON, 78

The trumpeter died Wednesday in Ventura, Calif., from kidney and liver failure "brought on by an abdominal infection," according to Reuters:

Ferguson started his career at 13 when he performed as a featured soloist with the Canadian Broadcasting Co. Orchestra.

He played with several of the great big-band leaders of the 1940s and '50s, including Count Basie, Duke Ellington, Dizzy Gillespie, Charlie Barnett, Jimmy Dorsey and Stan Kenton, with whom he was a featured performer.

He became known with the Kenton band for being able to hit "ridiculous high notes with ease," according to jazz critic Scott Yarnow.

The Penguin Guide to Jazz says of Ferguson: "There are few sights more impressive in animal physiology than the muscles in Maynard Ferguson's upper thorax straining for a top C."

Makes us want to put on the theme from "Rocky."

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

In Pennsylvania, that could be considered harassment. The Associated Press reports:

Jeannette police charged a 14-year-old boy for "meowing" whenever he sees his neighbor, 78-year-old Alexandria Carasia.

The boy's family and Carasia do not get along. The boy's mother said the family got rid of their cat after Carasia complained to police that it used her flower garden as a litter box.

The boy testified Tuesday that he only meowed at the woman twice. Carasia testified, "Every time he sees me, he meows."

The boy's defense attorney, David Martin Jr., argued that the charge (misdemeanor harassment) should be dismissed.

"This should never have been filed," Martin said. "This is not something that police should be wasting their time with or wasting the court's time."

Jeannette District Judge Joseph DeMarchis decided to wait 90 days before ruling. DeMarchis said his decision will be based on how the boy and his neighbor get along in the meantime.

Meow.

DUMPSTER DEATH

A brief on a terrible way to die, courtesy of the Springfield Police Department:

At approximately 0300 this morning, the Springfield Police Department responded to a reported motor vehicle crash involving a person falling off of a trash truck. The crash occurred in the 1600 block of north Schoolcraft (US 65), just north of Division. A trash truck belonging to American Allied Waste was northbound, entering Schoolcraft from the Division street on-ramp. The driver was startled by a person banging on the truck’s roof and windshield and he suddenly braked. A woman on top of the truck was thrown forward and run over by the truck. She was determined to be deceased at the scene.

The preliminary investigation indicates that the woman may have been in a dumpster that the trash truck picked up and emptied into the truck’s waste container body.

Moral of the story: Don't sleep in dumpsters.

ROBERT HOFFMAN, 59

MIT gets the point for this especially important obit. From the wires:

Philanthropist Robert K. Hoffman, one of three founders of the irreverent National Lampoon magazine, has died. He was 59.

Hoffman, a noted Dallas philanthropist, died Sunday at an area hospital. He had been suffering from leukemia since December, according to his family.

He was a co-founder and managing editor of the humorous National Lampoon, spawned from the Harvard Lampoon, created while he was a student at the university.

Hoffman graduated cum laude in 1970 and received an MBA from Harvard Business School.
The magazine spun off successful films, the best known being “Animal House.”

“National Lampoon never would have happened, and none of the things that came out of it would have happened, without Robert,” Henry Beard, one of the other co-founders of the magazine, said in Tuesday’s editions of The Dallas Morning News. “He had an exceptional pair of talents — he was extremely smart, and utterly fearless.”

The third founder, Doug Kenney, died in the early 1980s.

If you don't read this obit, we'll kill this dog.

ALASKA GOVERNOR POUNDED

Frank Murkowski had been in the U.S. Senate for more than two decades before becoming governor of Alaska. And then everything went wrong. Tuesday was primary day in Alaska. Reuters reports:

Murkowski conceded the race to former Wasilla Mayor Sarah Palin about two hours after the polls closed and pledged to support her.

Palin, running a campaign that portrayed her as a reformer bucking the state's Republican establishment, will now face former Democratic Gov. Tony Knowles in November's general election.

With over two-thirds of the precincts reporting, Palin had 51.1 percent of the total. John Binkley, a Fairbanks businessman and former state senator, was in second place with 29.5 percent, and Murkowski trailed with about 19 percent.

Murkowski, who is the first Alaska governor to lose in the primary election since Democrat Bill Sheffield was defeated in 1986, angered Alaskans by appointing his daughter to fill out his U.S. Senate term, buying a state jet for his personal use and other actions that were considered ham-fisted.

Quite the beating, but it gives the GOP a slight chance to retain the governor's office in November. With Murkowski, that chance didn't exist.

JUDGE TOSSES PADILLA CHARGE

One too many charges in the complaint filed against Jose Padilla and his co-defendants, a federal judge ruled Monday. Padilla, an American citizen, is accused of being an al-Qaida operative. The Associated Press reports:

The ruling by U.S. District Judge Marcia Cooke leaves intact two other terror-related counts against Padilla and the others alleging a conspiracy to provide material support to Islamic extremist causes worldwide.

The count that was dropped charged a conspiracy to "murder, kidnap and maim persons in a foreign country."

Cooke ruled that charge was unnecessary because the alleged illegal acts were already covered by the other terror-related counts in the indictment. Prosecuting all three charges, she said, would violate the Constitution's ban against double jeopardy, or prosecution of the same charges twice.

Once upon a time, the Bush Administration tried to claim Padilla was going to detonate a "dirty bomb" in the U.S. and held him for several years without charges. But when the administration was forced to file charges in criminal court, Padilla wasn't nicked for any "dirty bomb."

TOM, JERRY BUSTED FOR SMOKING

Underdog isn't around because he popped a pill before becoming a crime fighter. Now, other cartoon characters are getting nailed for their old, bad habits. Reuters reports:

Turner Broadcasting is scouring more than 1,500 classic Hanna-Barbera cartoons, including old favourites Tom and Jerry, The Flintstones and Scooby-Doo, to edit out scenes that glamorise smoking.

The review was triggered by a complaint to media regulator Ofcom by one viewer who took offence to two episodes of Tom and Jerry shown on the Boomerang channel, part of Turner Broadcasting which itself belongs to Time Warner Inc. ...

The regulator's latest news bulletin stated that a viewer, who was not identified, had complained about two smoking scenes on Tom and Jerry, saying they "were not appropriate in a cartoon aimed at children."

In the first, "Texas Tom", the hapless cat Tom tries to impress a feline female by rolling a cigarette, lighting it and smoking it with one hand. In the second, "Tennis Chumps", Tom's opponent in a match smokes a large cigar.

"The licensee has ... proposed editing any scenes or references in the series where smoking appeared to be condoned, acceptable, glamorised or where it might encourage imitation," Ofcom said, adding that "Texas Tom" was one such example.

Don't tell anyone, but we're pretty sure Bugs Bunny is a cross-dresser.

LESBIANS, COME OUT TO PLAY

A guy from Queens -- he's 28 -- is on the street in the West Village on Friday night. He sees a group of women, stops one and tells her she's pretty.

The 19-year-old blows him off. The man, Dwayne Buckle, reportedly uses a "homophobic slur" and tells the women he's going to have sex with all of them. In not so many words. He also spits on the woman he's trying to woo.

The result: Buckle is in critical condition after being stabbed in the stomach. WNBC reports:

Joining in the attack were the woman's six friends ranging in age from 18 to 31, according to police. The Daily News said they beat him with belts, and punched and kicked him.

Police arrested the women a block away on charges of attempted murder and gang assault. ...

"He spat on us and threw a cigarette," another of the woman told the Daily News. "This is a hate crime," she said hours after the incident, as police led the seven suspects out of the 6th Precinct stationhouse.

According to a published report in Saturday's editions of the New York Post, relatives and friends of the women -- who are all from Newark -- said they are lesbians and denied the women attacked Buckle. The Daily News referred to the women as “a gang of petite but ornery lesbians."

Petite but ornery and handy with a steak knife.

THEY 'LOOK LIKE THEY'RE BOMBERS'

But what does a bomber look like?

The Daily Mail reports on how easily paranoia strikes deep:

The extraordinary scenes happened after some of the 150 passengers on a Malaga-Manchester flight overheard two men of Asian appearance apparently talking Arabic.

Passengers told cabin crew they feared for their safety and demanded police action. Some stormed off the Monarch Airlines Airbus A320 minutes before it was due to leave the Costa del Sol at 3am. Others waiting for Flight ZB 613 in the departure lounge refused to board it.

The incident fuels the row over airport security following the arrest of more than 20 people allegedly planning the suicide-bombing of transatlantic jets from the UK to America. It comes amid growing demands for passenger-profiling and selective security checks.

It also raised fears that more travellers will take the law into their own hands - effectively conducting their own 'passenger profiles'. ...

The trouble in Malaga flared last Wednesday as two British citizens in their 20s waited in the departure lounge to board the pre-dawn flight and were heard talking what passengers took to be Arabic. Worries spread after a female passenger said she had heard something that alarmed her.

Passengers noticed that, despite the heat, the pair were wearing leather jackets and thick jumpers and were regularly checking their watches.

Initially, six passengers refused to board the flight. On board the aircraft, word reached one family. To the astonishment of cabin crew, they stood up and walked off, followed quickly by others.

The Monarch pilot - a highly experienced captain - accompanied by armed Civil Guard police and airport security staff, approached the two men and took their passports.

Half an hour later, police returned and escorted the two Asian passengers off the jet.

Soon afterwards, the aircraft was cleared while police did a thorough security sweep. Nothing was found and the plane took off - three hours late and without the two men on board.

Monarch arranged for them to spend the rest of the night in an airport hotel and flew them back to Manchester later on Wednesday.

College lecturer Jo Schofield, her husband Heath and daughters Emily, 15, and Isabel, 12, were caught up in the passenger mutiny.

Mrs Schofield, 38, said: "The plane was not yet full and it became apparent that people were refusing to board. In the gate waiting area, people had been talking about these two, who looked really suspicious with their heavy clothing, scruffy, rough, appearance and long hair.

"Some of the older children, who had seen the terror alert on television, were starting to mutter things like, 'Those two look like they're bombers.'

Unlike Don Stewart-Whyte and Brian Young, two of the 24 men arrested for the alleged UK terror plot. Looks indeed deceive.

FIND YOUR OWN SEAT

We open doors for women because Mom taught us it was the right thing to do. We also think it's OK to offer up your seat to a woman. On that second count, we're apparently way off base.

The new issue of GQ doles out advice on "modern manners." A paragraph from that report:

"Women are equals now. They can fend for themselves. To offer a perfectly healthy woman a seat simply because she is a woman, however well-intentioned, is creepy. At best, she'll think you're from another country; at worst she'll feel old, or overweight enough to be perceived as pregnant."

Opening doors for women, however, is still considered copacetic. As GQ notes, men should do it "to be nice, you mannerless ape." And to prove that chivalry isn't dead.

CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE: BLACKS CAN'T SWIM

Tramm Hudson is running to replace Katherine Harris in the 13th Congressional District in Florida. He may have doomed his candidacy when he decided to riff during a Christian Coalition forum. A video camera recorded his words. The Sarasota Herald Tribune reports:

In the 27-second clip, which first appeared on the conservative Web site redstate.com and quickly spread to other blogs, Hudson spoke about a training exercise during which the infantry company he commanded was to cross a river.

"A large number were black," Hudson said. "I grew up in Alabama. I understand, uh, I know from experience, that blacks are not the greatest swimmers or may not even know how to swim."

Hudson made the comments during a speech at candiates’ forum hosted by the Christian Coalition, according to a Hudson campaign manager. He could not recall the date of the appearance.

Hudson apologized for the comments in a statement:

"I said something stupid," he said. "I apologize for it and would apologize in person to anyone hurt by my comments. To those who are understandably offended, you have my deepest apologies, and I want you to know that it was out of character for me and those who know me know that to be a fact. This was a thoughtless remark that does not reflect my lifetime commitment to treating everyone fairly and without bias. I apologize to everyone who is offended by this comment."

When speaking during a political forum, it is probably not wise to talk about how blacks can't swim.

MEALS ON WHEELS VOLUNTEER KILLED AT COX SOUTH

Evelyn J. McNabb, 68, died Thursday after being hit by a vehicle on the parking lot of Cox South in Springfield. Cops say McNabb was a volunteer, arriving at the hospital to do her work, when she was hit shortly after 9 a.m.

According to a police news release:

A private delivery truck was arriving at the hospital and was backing up. [McNabb] was walking across the lot near the loading dock. As the truck was backing, it struck her and knocked her down.

McNabb was rushed inside to the emergency room, where she died.

BOOBY TRAP

Yes, this is a real item, courtesy of the blog at ABC News:

U.S. authorities are advising women not to wear gel bras on airplanes as information developed in the foiled London plot points to an expanding role for women in smuggling explosives on to an aircraft.

Authorities at Scotland Yard are questioning a husband and wife, suspects in the London terror plot, about allegations that they were planning to use their baby's bottle to hide a liquid bomb.

Police in the U.K. have recovered baby bottles containing peroxide, including some with false bottoms, from a recycling center close to the homes of some of the arrested suspects.

They should also watch out for men packing zucchini.

RUN DOWN IN A MCDONALD'S PARKING LOT

People who know her say Ruth Catherine Driscoll-Dunn is a nice enough person. She's 24 and a student at the University of Georgia in Athens.

But cops say Driscoll-Dunn is not someone you mess with. Especially if you're between her and the counter at McDonald's. The Athens Banner-Herald explains:

Police said Driscoll-Dunn argued Saturday morning with two women over who was first in line when a new cashier opened up, and that Driscoll-Dunn waited for the women in her Jeep Cherokee in the parking lot and veered into them as she drove past.

The women, a 51-year-old Athens resident and her daughter, were knocked down, but not injured, according to police.

An investigator questioned Driscoll-Dunn at police headquarters on Monday, police said, and an Athens-Clarke County Magistrate Court judge signed arrest warrants Tuesday morning.

"She was cooperative, but I really don't want to get into what she said," said Athens-Clarke police Lt. Mike McKeel. ...

A man at Driscoll-Dunn's apartment Tuesday, who said his name is Coby Brazzelle, said his friend knew she might be arrested because of the publicity the case received.

Brazzelle said the UGA student told him she didn't start the argument at McDonald's, and that one of the other women grabbed onto her Jeep as it drove away.

"Somehow the woman's cell phone broke, I think when it hit the side mirror, and they want to charge her with aggravated assault to make her pay for the phone," Brazzelle said.

But police say they have witnesses who swear Driscoll-Dunn threatened to kill the two women after they allegedly cut in line.

Brazzelle, the friend, says Driscoll-Dunn stopped at McD's for one of those delicious breakfasts before she bought school books on Saturday morning.

BRUNO KIRBY, 57

You know, the face in plenty of movies you've seen over the years. The Associated Press reports:

Kirby died Monday in Los Angeles from complications related to leukemia, according to a statement from his wife, Lynn Sellers. He had recently been diagnosed with the disease.

"We are incredibly grateful for the outpouring of support we have received from Bruno's fans and colleagues who have admired and respected his work over the past 30 years," his wife said. "Bruno's spirit will continue to live on not only in his rich body of film and television work but also through the lives of individuals he has touched throughout his life."

Kirby was perhaps best known for his roles opposite Billy Crystal in 1989's "When Harry Met Sally" and 1991's "City Slickers."

Other film credits included "Good Morning, Vietnam," "The Godfather: Part II" and "Donnie Brasco." More recently, he played Phil Rubenstein on the HBO series "Entourage."

Oh yeah. That guy.